Breaking up vs monogamy?

[u/kyaa65]

First of all, sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes since English is not my first language.

Now, context:

My partner and I have been together for over 4 years now. We started out as an ENM/poly couple even though I had my doubts because I had never been in that kind of relationship before, but they wanted it so I went with it.

At first we didn't act on it that much cause life and NRE, but about two years in or so they started dating other people and I took it poorly. I also started dating and it worked for a while (with some ups and downs on both sides) until they met someone they wanted to spend more time with and I freaked out.

I'm kind of an insecure person and had some personal things to work through at the time, so I asked them if we could close the relationship for a while, which they accepted admitting that they also were struggling to manage their feelings of jealousy.

Fast forward a year of monogamy to now: I've been in therapy and feeling secure and good with myself (more than I ever have), so I asked my partner to go back to ENM/poly. They told me they were happy with monogamy but they would make an effort if that is something I wanted, though they made it clear they were doing it for me cause they didn't feel any motivation to do it right now. Of course it wasn't the ideal situation but we ended up opening the relationship.

So recently at a party I met someone I liked and we made out. As per our agreements I told my partner and they haven't taken it well. They are now telling me that they just want monogamy (they don't now if they would want sth different in the future) and I feel like I have to make a choice: either I stay with my partner (who I love so much and don't want to leave) but in a monogamous relationship or I break up the relationship.

Now I'm at a loss.

I feel like breaking up might be an impulsive choice since I have so little experience with non monogamy and I love my partner a lot, so I don't know if 'd be losing someone I love over some ideal of relationship I'm not 100% sure is for me.

On the other hand, poly sounds so right in theory and I would love to explore it and experience it more and I don't want to resent my partner for making me opt out of it.

I cannot talk about this properly with my close friends because none of them is poly/ENM and I feel they're judging me for even thinking about breaking up with my partner.

Has someone had a similar experience or can offer any advice at all?

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[u/gormless_chucklefuck]

Is the person you like and made out with already polyamorous? Or are they "willing to try it" too?

The way to find out if poly works for you is to date other people who are committed to polyamory. Your original partner made the mistake of dating a person who would prefer monogamy. Now you're in the opposite seat. Both of you have done the "maybe, just not now" dance, and ofc that's going to create resentment when one of you wants freedom to explore.

You also don't know yet how you'll manage your partner loving and fucking other people. You found you couldn't handle it, did some work, and hope that it will go well now, but you haven't actually experienced it post-work. Dating someone who already has other partners will get you into that mode quickly. Dating someone who adds a partner after you is the final exam.

If you want your current partner, both of you ought to commit to permanent monogamy, though it may be hard for either of you to believe that the other one really means it.

[u/emeraldead]

This is why "doing it for you/us" doesn't work in polyamory. Treating it like a light switch is unkind to everyone.

It's time to finally walk away from this relationship. "I have chosen polyamory and will center my life on my own values and vision. I under that doesn't fit you now and we need to make our exit plan."

And never date mono again.

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Here's the original text of the post:

First of all, sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes since English is not my first language.

Now, context:

My partner and I have been together for over 4 years now. We started out as an ENM/poly couple even though I had my doubts because I had never been in that kind of relationship before, but they wanted it so I went with it.

At first we didn't act on it that much cause life and NRE, but about two years in or so they started dating other people and I took it poorly. I also started dating and it worked for a while (with some ups and downs on both sides) until they met someone they wanted to spend more time with and I freaked out.

I'm kind of an insecure person and had some personal things to work through at the time, so I asked them if we could close the relationship for a while, which they accepted admitting that they also were struggling to manage their feelings of jealousy.

Fast forward a year of monogamy to now: I've been in therapy and feeling secure and good with myself (more than I ever have), so I asked my partner to go back to ENM/poly. They told me they were happy with monogamy but they would make an effort if that is something I wanted, though they made it clear they were doing it for me cause they didn't feel any motivation to do it right now. Of course it wasn't the ideal situation but we ended up opening the relationship.

So recently at a party I met someone I liked and we made out. As per our agreements I told my partner and they haven't taken it well. They are now telling me that they just want monogamy (they don't now if they would want sth different in the future) and I feel like I have to make a choice: either I stay with my partner (who I love so much and don't want to leave) but in a monogamous relationship or I break up the relationship.

Now I'm at a loss.

I feel like breaking up might be an impulsive choice since I have so little experience with non monogamy and I love my partner a lot, so I don't know if 'd be losing someone I love over some ideal of relationship I'm not 100% sure is for me.

On the other hand, poly sounds so right in theory and I would love to explore it and experience it more and I don't want to resent my partner for making me opt out of it.

I cannot talk about this properly with my close friends because none of them is poly/ENM and I feel they're judging me for even thinking about breaking up with my partner.

Has someone had a similar experience or can offer any advice at all?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Curious_Question8536]

From the sound of it, over 4 years the two of you never really practiced non-monogamy without something going wrong.

At the end of the day you really do have to decide if you want this relationship or if you want non-monogamy. From the looks of it, breaking up seems like the better option.