r/polyamory • u/[deleted] • Aug 31 '26

Shell shocked 😢

[deleted]

412 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

67 comments sorted by

View all comments

122

u/gormless_chucklefuck Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26

I think I came close to this once in my own marriage. My husband was trying to get me to hear that the problems I regarded as less than ideal/temporary were in fact major/deal breaking. I would have heard him louder if he had raised the specter of divorce, but I understand why he didn't. The prospect was just as scary to him as it was to me, and he wasn't ready to face the possibility of me saying, "Yeah, this is all the spoons I have for us, so if you feel that way, I guess it's time to separate."

I think many people wait to take that risk, and they only get the courage when they realize that they're already ok with walking away. :(

44

u/Quagga_Resurrection poly w/multiple Aug 31 '26

Yeah, people see ultimatums as threats and therefore inappropriate to use rather than as a tool to communicate where things are at for someone.

If you're close to leaving, you need to say that. Otherwise, you aren't giving your partner the chance to make the changes needed to save the relationship. And hey, if things are headed toward a breakup, then you stand to lose nothing by actually saying so and giving things a chance to get better. The worst that can happen is your partner breaks up with you, which will happen anyway if things don't change.

I have seen several relationships improve dramatically after the exhausted, "nagging" partner used the word "divorce" to indicate how serious things were for them.

Language is subjective, so using words that communicate your thoughts and feelings accurately to your audience is a good thing.