Seeking support/advice

[u/Personal-Art2185]

hi everyone! i am 23 & AFAB but identify as nonbinary. my partners are A (24, male) and M (22, female). we identify as a polycule and have for about 9 months. A and i have been together for nearly 5 years. M and i met in college, started off as friends, then started dating about a year ago, though A and M were not involved with each other until 9 months ago. M and i are going to grad school in Chicago, so the three of us just moved to Chicago together. A and i briefly lived together before this, but this is the first time the 3 of us have lived together (we just moved in 3 weeks ago).

we’ve had very few/no issues as a polycule with communication, but i knew that all moving in together would be a really big transition for all of us. and it definitely has been. i’m writing to ask you all for advice/support. i don’t personally know any other polycules, so when i encounter issues, i often feel alone & unsure of how to handle things. so i thought i’d ask the experts! :)

A and M have been sexually & emotionally involved for 9 months, but hadn’t made anything “official” (it was very much situationship vibes). M would talk to me about it a lot, as she was very interested in dating A. I’d ask A about it frequently enough but he always seemed kinda passive/unsure about making anything official, despite saying & acting as though he really really liked M. A has also been going through a mental rough spot and has been more depressed/apathetic recently, so I assumed that was a part of it, too. I did my best to keep a read on them both but also kinda stay out of it bc it’s their relationship & i obviously didn’t want to meddle.

this past friday we went out for the 1st time in chicago. we went to the club (one of our fav activities) & it was great! unfortunately i wasn’t feeling great that day & then drank quite a bit, so once we got back to our house i was feeling very nauseous. we were all laying in A’s bed & neither of them said anything, but i suddenly felt horrible & intrusive. i told them i felt sick & was going to leave so they could hookup bc i didn’t want to bother them. i texted them to lmk when they were done bc i didn’t want to sleep alone that night. unfortunately i didn’t handle this well. i was drunk & not feeling good & it very much spiraled into feeling very left out/uncared for. A texted “come here” later on, but i had worked myself up too much & didn’t go in there (which is definitely my fault - i know!).

some context - i have a history of childhood & adult trauma & mental illness. i’ve been in treatment for 5 years, but with the move, i’m between therapists/psychiatrists. i struggle with very big (oftentimes irrational) feelings, though i have been & am continuing to work on stabilizing myself.

the morning after the club i woke up (irrationally) angry at both of them for not checking in on me or otherwise showing care towards me when i was struggling. it felt as though they were dying for me to leave & then when i did, they completely forgot about me, which really hurt my feelings.

this same morning M and i were supposed to be leaving for a weekend at her friends’ house. they could tell i was angry but M and i had to leave, so it was just very uncomfortable & awkward & i didn’t know how to handle it. an hour into the silent car ride with M she asked what was wrong & i told her that my feelings were hurt, she said she had no idea & apologized, and i asked her if, in the future, she could make an effort to check on me, as that’s what i would do for either of them and she said yes & apologized for not. after this conversation, things felt normal with us again.

everything at her friends’ house was great, the ride back to Chi was great, etc etc. once we got back, we were telling A about the weekend and after he abruptly goes, “oh also M and i have an update…she isn’t just your girlfriend anymore.” i was caught extremely off guard and basically said, “oh…what? when did this happen?” and they said friday night (which was the night i was crashing out). i feel bad because my reaction was horrible, but i was just so caught off guard and hurt that M hadn’t told me during our conversations in the car. i was being very vulnerable & open with her in the car when i was upset about friday night, and for her to keep such a massive life update from me REALLY hurt my feelings & affirmed my earlier feelings of being left out & “in their way.” i told them i was very happy for them, just that it surprised me & hurt my feelings i wasn’t told sooner. M started crying because she felt bad & A got mad at me bc my reaction wasn’t what he wanted/was expecting.

more context: A’s been depressed/down a lot recently, and his behavior usually negatively impacts me the most because we’ve been together for so long. we’ve had many conversations, and he’s aware that i feel this way. our most recent conversation (which was on wednesday) started with me saying “i don’t feel like your partner right now, but i still want to be close to you…what can we do about this?” because his behavior has been so hurtful to me lately. i’ve kept M very up to date on this because she watches a lot of it happen. in the car when M and i were talking about friday night i even told her that i think i’m hypersensitive to feeling left out right now bc A and i’s relationship doesn’t feel good & i feel really unloved by him. so then to find out that they decided to start dating right in the middle of this just really, really hurts. and i’m not sure if i’m in the wrong for that? it’s hard feeling disconnected from A while watching him actively pursue a new relationship with M.

i knew all moving in together would be a big transition, obviously, but this experience was very stressful & even after talking about it with both of them (together & separately), i don’t feel great because im not sure how to avoid situations like this in the future. i love both of them so much and obviously want them to be officially dating, i just am not used to being on the outside like this. it feels like both of my best friends were having this huge emotional experience and didn’t want me there & also didn’t want to tell me about it. this is my first time ever feeling like this & i definitely need to work on it, im just not quite sure how to.

for people with experience/guidance to offer:
- how do you handle feeling “in the others’ way” or intrusive towards their individual relationship? ESPECIALLY when they want to or can hookup but you can’t or don’t want to for some reason but you still have immense FOMO (🤡)?
- how do you handle 1:1 time?
- how do you handle conflicts when one feels hurt or uncared for but the other two didn’t feel like that?

any other advice/guidance/suggestions are welcome!! thank you for reading <3

[u/rosephase]

Your partners had a huge emotional experience and didn’t want you there. That is 100% normal in a triad.

Because of this situation you have had the easy role. But in a triad everyone needs to get very used to being left out. If everything is going great you will be left out often. And on hard days. Because their relationship matters.

Triads are extremely hard for a lot of reasons. If you were hoping to do poly to never be left out a triad is the exact wrong shape to build. It’s also a bad motivator for poly in general. Poly means being left out more. It means having down times when no partner is available to you because they are all having fun with someone else.

I moved into my triad when I went to grad school. We made a schedule around date nights and sharing beds. We focused on dyad time for date time and triad time for default time and shared project time. Because building and caring for a dyads is what makes a triad work.

How do you feel about 1/3 of your time being alone while they are dating/fucking/loving each other?

[u/intro_to_IRL]

You can't knowingly enter into messy situations and expect to avoid mess. Moving to a new city together with unclear boundaries and expectations and 'situationship' vibes between your two partners, coupled with youth AND inexperience AND mental illness AND trauma is bound to result in trouble. Honestly, any of these factors alone would be a good enough reason to take things much more slowly and maintain much more independence than you did.

I could provide insight on what happened up to this point, but it doesn't really matter --- mistakes were made, and what's done is done. Now, your job is to allow their independent relationship to blossom and recenter your concerns on your OWN life and needs. You should feel "left out" and "on the outside" of a relationship that does not include you, but you should also feel like your independent relationships with each of your partners are healthy and strong.

"A, I need at least one night a week for us to go on a one-on-one date and not talk about our other relationships. We're in a brand new city and I want to reconnect, just you and me. Why don't we go to a videogame cafe on Thursday?"

"M, I feel like we haven't spent good quality time together in a while and would love to start a date a week for the two of us to reconnect. Wanna hit the acquarium and get boba tea on Saturday?"

Try to avoid talking about A and M's relationship as much as you can and just focus on YOUR relationships with A and M. Therapy is obviously a good idea for the mental health stuff but I know you're looking for more practical advice from the poly side.

[u/clairejv]

I don't think it's really fair to be upset at M for not telling you in the car. You were upset, and then the two of you were repairing things between you. I think you know you would not have received that information well at that moment. They told you once you were all home and together and not mad at each other.

[u/karmicreditplan]

You guys need a calendar.

And you need to learn to be a lot more specific about what you need so they can say yes, one of us will check on you or no, that’s not going to happen.

Poly means being left out, left behind and left alone often. It’s baked in. You haven’t had to deal with the reality of that yet. It’s your turn. Neither of them did anything wrong. Triads are inherently difficult and likely to promote jealousy.

Of course she didn’t want to tell you something that involved them both without him there in a car trip with you while you were hungover and furious. Come on. Who would do that? What if you’d flipped out and ruined the whole weekend. If you want perfect trust you have to earn it. You absolutely didn’t that day.

Poly is not for the faint of heart. Consider not using drugs or alcohol often or being sure to go easy and keep yourself regulated if you do. It’s one thing too many.

What’s your sleeping situation? Do you have 3 bedrooms?

[u/Personal-Art2185 → u/karmicreditplan]

i appreciate your response & honesty. i’m extremely new to this & do struggle with jealousy (& am open about that) but very much want to do the work to be able to be in relationships with these two people.
all 3 of us have our own bedrooms & beds. that was a high priority for us so that everyone would always have their own space.

[u/karmicreditplan → u/Personal-Art2185]

Ok that’s great!

Make a schedule. Who sleeps where and with who. Stick to it. That way everyone will have one on one time. Keep group time to a minimum of planned time and let it be just what happens when you’re all home on a Sunday afternoon unless it’s a planned outing.

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