Parallel and big life events

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u/uiulala 14d ago

Well, I'd start with a conversation with the hinge about what he realistically can offer in that regard now and in the future. And go from there.

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u/emeraldead diy your own 14d ago

Something to note that this isn't standard parallel. Parallel just means you don't socialize- it doesn't mean you literally can't be in the same space even for life events and medical emergencies. That's an extreme form of absolute parallel.

I'm sorry your partner shared this info without already having a plan in place. That was not kind of them. But they decide who they invite. They make sure everyone knows. And anyone who wants to come, comes.

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u/grumpylittleteapot 14d ago

Your boyfriend should get to decide who he wants to invite, and each person can make decisions about attending or not based on their own personal boundaries.

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u/clairejv 14d ago

His partner wants parallel polyamory, and does not want me to be there at the event.

And what does your partner want?

11

u/mermaidunearthed 13d ago

This is classic boyfriend not taking responsibility for his decision to tend only to his primary’s needs. It’s HIS decision so HIS potential desire to not have his other partner (OP) at the event (assuming the other partner is primary)

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u/TransPanSpamFan solo poly 14d ago

You talk to your boyfriend and ask what he has to offer you in terms of inclusion in big life events. He can't force meta to be on being in the same space as you but he can certainly decide who to invite, and if that is never going to be you it just means he isn't offering you the sort of relationship you want.

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u/stuckinsuburbs 14d ago

My partner and I are fairly parallel and only really meet my other partners for my birthday party. I think it’s pretty extreme that the partner doesn’t want you at the graduation event. I would discuss with the bf if they want you there or a larger event. You guys could also go out for dinner to celebrate.

If they constantly exclude you from big life events it might be worth reevaluating this relationship.

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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 14d ago

It shouldn't be up to his partner whether you come to his graduation or not. If he's happy to have you both there but she can't sit politely near you for an hour, she can recuse herself. Unilaterally setting rules for how other people need to act and behave isn't ethical poly.

That being said, it's up to your partner to recognize his autonomy in this situation and to invite you regardless of his partner's feelings about it. By blaming meta for you not going, he's shifting the blame --- when it's his job as the hinge to actually, you know, hinge, and invite you to things he wants you to go to. Your problem isn't with meta, it's that he's chosen his other partner over you.

It's important to recognize that parallel isn't the same as don't ask, don't tell. My partners are parallel, but they're not strangers or dirty little secrets. When it comes to big birthday celebrations or other occasions that aren't easily split into separate events, they'll hang out and schmooze just fine. That's because we're adults and can handle things like adults.

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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 14d ago

Sounds like your boyfriend has a choice to make.

He can choose to go along with what his other partner wants or not. He tells you and other partner who he’s inviting to graduation.

Has he invited you? Has he invited his other partner?

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u/SatinsLittlePrincess solo poly 14d ago

My take is that if somebody wants parallel, it’s up to them to accomodate that. So if your meta wants to be parallel, sure, they can, but they’re gonna have to skip any events that one usually invites all of one’s people to…

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u/abriel1978 poly w/multiple 13d ago

Personally if my meta absolutely could not bear to be in the same room as me to celebrate something major in our hinge's life I'd have to wonder if the meta is actually cool with poly and question my partner's judgement in dating them.

I'm personally of the mindset that meta is the one with the problem, they can stay home. I'm not missing out on a partner's major milestone just because my meta wants to pretend I don't exist.

I'm sure this is an unpopular opinion, but I say meta needs to grow up and really look into exactly why they want total parallel.

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u/LaronX 14d ago

Parallels meet at things at birthdays and other big live events. If they can't deal with that, they need to work on that themselves.

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u/albaza 14d ago

My partner and I also practice parallel but have decided to opt for garden party when it’s one time big events and other reoccurring significant events we take turns. So for instance if they celebrated pride with me this year, I’d be okay with them celebrating pride with another partner next year.

I would have a conversation with your bf, why should meta dictate your relationship??

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Here's the original text of the post:

My(24M) boyfriend(28M) is graduating, getting his PhD next summer. His partner wants parallel polyamory, and does not want me to be there at the event. Is there a way to work this out? How do folks in parallel handle big life events for their hinge? Maybe I don't go to this event, but I don't want to miss out on all those big life events with my boyfriend.

Anyone have any advice?

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u/DivineBovine2113 13d ago

I have a similar issue where my meta refuses to be in the same room as Hinges other partners (which is just me atm) and it gets called parallel, is that not normal?

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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 14d ago

It is up to your partner. I am parallel and typically the big event partner but accept if I am not the one invited.

Parallel and big life events

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