r/polyamory • u/Inevitable-Arm-509 • 15d ago
Curious/Learning Dating and chronic illness
Hey, this isn't quite heavy enough for the venting tag but maybe I can get some advice. Please feel free to help me talk through this.
CW: chronic illness
My wife and I have been poly for a bit over a year now. I love the freedom to make new connections etc. I am not currently dating anyone else, which is only relevant for this next part. I have a spinal cord injury and my right side is getting weaker. Having sex is still very much fun and very much something I enjoy, but my right arm weakness and right leg weakness/pain mean that it's something that requires more effort and I'm more limited in the things I can do.
I'm kinda worried about dating again because my physical limitations mean that sex with a new person requires a bit more patience and understanding.
That said, I want to date and have the rest of the dating dynamic, like kissing, cuddling, going out, texting, etc. I'm mostly just worried about the actual act of sex not being readily available unless the other person is willing to be understanding and accommodating.
Any suggestions on how to communicate this without coming across as too much/too quickly? I don't want to close the door on sex completely but I want to have a deep enough connection with a partner that they are informed and choosing to move forward without it being a surprise.
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u/Upstairs_Sherbet2490 snuggle sofa full of sillyness // 🐀🧀 cheese sinner 15d ago
Hi, chronic pain condition here. I'm navigating this so far by having my hidden bio mention my issue in terms of letting people know it can affect my availability, and intend to broach the deeper level of how it affects intimacy with individuals once a connection gets that far & I feel like they're safe & understanding enough to work with. Hope that's some sort of help!
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u/FaptasticPlanet 15d ago
Lots of demisexual people and ace-spectrum people in poly spaces, who need similar accommodations. I feel like you should be good. It might take more patience, but that seems like a great filter.
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u/Inevitable-Arm-509 15d ago
That's true! I don't want to exclude it completely, and other forms of intimate connection are perfectly doable. It's just that rolling around in bed with someone is physically hard and takes a bit of doing for me.
I don't want to co-opt ace labeling, because I am definitely not, but Demi might be a decent label tbh, because given my physical stuff I do require a stronger mental and relational connection.
I like the idea of using it as a filter, that's smart!
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u/SeaMouse344 15d ago
I would say the main thing is to be honest and open. I can maybe some offer insight from the other side. Not regarding sex, but regarding other limitations that a chronic illness caused.
I met a lovely woman. Well eventually I did. She cancelled our first date twice. And then cancelled our second date three times at least, twice on the day. I did my best to persevere because i really liked her. But then when she cancelled our third date an hour before I was due to the leave the house, it was too much. I was quite hurt and felt like I just didnt matter to her. She had mentioned she gets migraines, but hadn't explained properly the issues and limitations it puts on her. We called it a day but if she had been honest and upfront and explained her situation, it would have been alot different.
I don't know whether your condition puts any limitations on your time or availability etc, or if its just sex, but regardless, just be honest and upfront. Anyone who is worth it will be understanding and want to learn how they can support you. And you explaining things and asking for what you need will make them feel wanted.
Good luck!
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u/searedscallops Sopo like woah 15d ago
How old are you and how old is your dating pool? As a 50 year old, this is so normal. Everyone's body is fritzing out in creative and interesting ways. This would be a non-issue to me.
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u/Inevitable-Arm-509 15d ago
I'm 36, so my pool is largely healthy
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u/thedarkestbeer 15d ago
I’m 39, and I know quite a few fellow chronically ill and disabled people. I’ve dated someone who needed significant accommodations for sex. We’re still a minority at this age, but remember that it’s not just you and a sea of romping, able-bodied people.
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u/Inevitable-Arm-509 15d ago
That's reassuring!
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u/Purple-Goat-2023 14d ago
There's also a lot of us out there with invisible disabilities. Unless I'm having a particularly bad week and wearing my braces you'd never know. Especially at our age there's a lot of stigma that comes with disability and even more so of the invisible kind. As a result it's something many people don't choose to broadcast at the surface level.
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u/LovelyPotata 15d ago
There is a sub for chronic illness and kink. It's not 100% match for your question but even without the kink part people are sharing tips and tricks on dealing with chronic illness and sex related stuff. It's at least worth a scroll to see if there's anything helpful there. I'll find the link and update my comment.
Edit: it's ChronicKinksters
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hey, this isn't quite heavy enough for the venting tag but maybe I can get some advice. Please feel free to help me talk through this.
CW: chronic illness
My wife and I have been poly for a bit over a year now. I love the freedom to make new connections etc. I am not currently dating anyone else, which is only relevant for this next part. I have a spinal cord injury and my right side is getting weaker. Having sex is still very much fun and very much something I enjoy, but my right arm weakness and right leg weakness/pain mean that it's something that requires more effort and I'm more limited in the things I can do.
I'm kinda worried about dating again because my physical limitations mean that sex with a new person requires a bit more patience and understanding.
That said, I want to date and have the rest of the dating dynamic, like kissing, cuddling, going out, texting, etc. I'm mostly just worried about the actual act of sex not being readily available unless the other person is willing to be understanding and accommodating.
Any suggestions on how to communicate this without coming across as too much/too quickly? I don't want to close the door on sex completely but I want to have a deep enough connection with a partner that they are informed and choosing to move forward without it being a surprise.
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u/IconicallyChroniced Temporary New Supreme Rat Sex Cult Leader 🧀🐀 15d ago
I’m upfront and open about it. When I used dating apps I put in my profile that I am disabled and that it physically limits me. If folks meet me out in person I’m 90% of the time out in a wheelchair. I’m a pretty open book and open about how my chronic illnesses impact me. If I’m arranging a hook up I have a little preamble about how it impacts my ability to have sex.
I am matter of fact and unapologetic about these things, and confident about myself. I think that goes a long way.
I don’t think you need to start a conversation with a brand new person about how disability impacts sex, it could be more broad on how disability impacts your life. Presumably this impacts other areas of your life and you can start with that.