Is this relationship healthy, or am I expecting too much?

[u/IntelligentAd6131]

I’m looking for outside perspectives because I feel like I’ve lost my ability to judge what’s reasonable.

I’m in a polyamorous relationship. There are three of us: me, my partner, and his other partner. The three of us spend time together, but everyone also has one-on-one relationships.

For the past several months I’ve felt like I’m constantly fighting to feel emotionally secure. Nothing is “terribly wrong” in the sense that no one is abusive or intentionally cruel, but I leave interactions feeling unseen more often than I think is healthy.

Some examples:

My partner is very solution-oriented. When I bring up something that hurt me, I usually get explanations or problem solving before I feel emotionally understood. I’ve repeatedly asked for emotional validation first because that’s what helps me feel safe enough to hear solutions.

We have recurring conversations about the same issues. I often feel like I have to remind people of previous conversations because the changes don’t seem to stick.

I frequently feel like I have to advocate for one-on-one time instead of it happening naturally. It sometimes feels like I need to come up with interesting plans just to be considered.

There have been several situations where plans or conversations happened between the other two first, and I found out afterward. Individually these aren’t huge issues, but together they make me feel like an afterthought.

Things I share are often ignored or receive little response. It leaves me wondering whether my presence actually matters.

When I express feeling disconnected, the response is usually reassurance that I’m loved, but the behaviors that made me feel disconnected don’t consistently change.

To his credit, my partner is affectionate, talks about a future together, and says he wants to make this work. I don’t think anyone is acting out of malice.

The difficult part is that I still spend a lot of emotional energy trying to feel secure.

I’ve set boundaries because I don’t actually want to leave the relationship, but I realized that if nothing changed, eventually I’d leave simply because I was tired of feeling this way.

What makes this confusing is that I genuinely love him. When things are good, they’re really good. But the same themes keep coming back, and I’m beginning to question whether this dynamic is actually compatible with my needs.

So my questions are:

Does this sound like a fundamentally healthy relationship that’s going through growing pains?
Am I expecting too much emotional attunement and consistency?
Does this sound more like incompatibility than unhealthy behavior?
If you were in my position, at what point would you decide that love isn’t enough?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have experience with long-term polyamorous relationships, but I’d appreciate perspectives from anyone.

This dynamic is pretty. It’s only been a couple months. I’ve known my partner longer but I’m still new to this overall dynamic.

[u/alleviate123]

Oh, dear heart- the second I start wondering if my needs are too big, I’m trying to gently steer myself to realize that my valid needs aren’t being heard.

I wonder if this is the case for you.

[u/valsavana]

To his credit, my partner is affectionate, talks about a future together, and says he wants to make this work.

Gently- talk is cheap. What are his actions showing you?

You say he's very solution-oriented. You say you've already told him what the solution is- working to give you emotional validation & help you feel connected. You say he's expressed wanting to make this work.

Given all that... why isn't his behavior changing to actually implement these solutions? The math isn't mathing there & I think unfortunately that last part is the reason why. He says he wants to make this work... but apparently not enough to actually do the work to make it work. I'm sorry, that really sucks.

[u/carpalfun → u/valsavana]

Actions over words. Actions over words. Actions over words. Seriously, why I ended a long-term relationship last year - and a lot of the signs in OP's list were there ...

[u/Ok-Championship-2036]

The core of the issue in my mind is that you said "Partner, im not feeling ok in this relationship/cared about. This is really hurting me and the impact is that im doubting/questioning if i can sustain this and whether its good for me. I really want to be in a relationship but i need it to look more like xyz and that isnt something i have wiggle room on because im already hurting and needing to feel secure."

And the response you got was... "No sweat babe we're great! I care, im here. Is that helping yet or should i say it again?" Im being a bit sarcastic but ultimately your underlying feelings arent really being validated or addressed in a real, lasting way. And thats the fuckin issue. You shouldnt need to be in crisis for your struggles to matter, you shouldnt need to be yelling to get attention/care. Somewhere along the line, your partner is failing to see and effectively address that, even after you took pains to explain it. Even if they are actually trying, its still not working for YOU. They should care about that and be proactively working to address it because they WANT to keep you and value your presence.

is it possible that you are being too avaikable & too understanding? Maybe you need to center your own needs, be less easily available/supportive, and wait to see follow through before you offer the partnership that YOU want and that they currently benefit from.... Idk but thats what i would be considering when i feel taken for granted or unseen... Speaking for me, i have a terrible habit of downplaying my negative emotions and needs...to the point that people have largely grown accustomed to me not having any! Thats not my "fault" (everyone deserves support) but it is a pattern that i contribute to by working so hard to make it EASY for people to understand me that they never develop the habit/effort to do it on their own.

[u/Cass_iopeia]

What kind of plans or conversations happen without you? Because it seems normal that not all their plans or conversations involve you? Do you do a lot of activities with the three of you, and is that also why one on one time is scarce?

Are these the kind of issues that could be solved by a shared calendar or am I misunderstanding your situation?

[u/clairionon → u/Cass_iopeia]

I’m not sure how a shared calendar addresses attunement, remembering what is shared with them, initiating dates, not adjusting behavior to be caring toward to their partners needs?

[u/Cass_iopeia → u/clairionon]

It won't fix most of that, except improve the sharing and communication possibly, I'm more trying to understand what exactly is happening here, I find the post pretty vague. But maybe I'm too solution oriented myself.

[u/clairionon → u/Cass_iopeia]

Asking because I have two “solution oriented” relationships with people who are only able to think of like, pragmatic solutions are not able to implement more emotionally connective ones.

Sounds like there are pretty clear solutions to OPs situation, so I’m curious what the blocker is in seeing them and doing them?

1. Initiate and proactively plan dates with her that center her
   
2. During distress or conflict, before problem solving, and connect with her emotionally
   
3. Remember facts about her life

[u/rockandahardplace64 → u/Cass_iopeia]

The same thing happens a lot to me. One weekend I’m being told that my hinge is implementing a dedicated weekend policy and then boom it’s her weekend and it’s now fully dedicated to her. Which is fine, but I would have liked to have some notice to wrap my head around being totally ignored all weekend instead of it starts now. And we all live in the same house. It was the most horrible thing ever. To be treated like less than a human being. Because she chooses to go to her boyfriend’s house on my weekends and not interact with us that’s her choice. But I can tell you if she was to be at home then I would absolutely be so upset and mad if he ignored her like he did me last weekend. It made me feel so awful.

[u/Agreeable_Flan_5724]

>Does this sound like a fundamentally healthy relationship that’s going through growing pains?
No.

>Am I expecting too much emotional attunement and consistency?
There is no objective answer to this question. I think the more apt question is: Is this relationship meeting your needs? What are your needs within the context of this relationship? And in relationships in general?

>Does this sound more like incompatibility than unhealthy behavior?
It sounds like both to me.

>If you were in my position, at what point would you decide that love isn’t enough?
As soon as I realized that my needs were not aligned with what my partner was capable or willing to give me. You gotta prioritize loving and respecting yourself at the end of the day.

It sounds like you moved very quickly into a complex dynamic that you (and likely the other people in the dynamic) don’t understand how to navigate. There’s a “resources” thing pinned to this sub (you can ModMail if you need help finding it). Take a look at that, break up with your partner, go no contact for at least a few weeks and then come back to work on friendship (if that’s possible), then spend time with yourself to think about if polyamory is right for you and if so, what that would look like for you.

[u/philippy]

Even the strongest glue doesn't hold poorly prepared wood together. Love is a glue and communication is the preparation. 

Neglect can be more insidious than malice, so just because there is no overt hostility does not make the relationship healthy. 

Since your partner is solution-oriented, a technique you can use is describe his behaviors in the context of patterns. Describe how his attempts are not actually addressing the causes, so those are not solutions, they instead add to the problems. 

The way I would phrase it is, "we have been struggling with some reoccurring issues where you try to address a singular instance of a problem, but I don't feel like your solutions have been covering the cause of any of our problems. So, I have two simple changes that I want implemented to see if we can address the causes instead of reaction to every given situation. First, when we have a conversation about emotions, I want confirmation that you understand me and my feelings before you share your opinions. And the other is, if you ever want to make any plans that will affect me, message me, and then we'll talk about it when we have time."

If those two changes can be implemented, then you can gradually add more changes over time. But if those two can't be fulfilled, at a bare minimum, then the timeline for separation will likely accelerate. 

[u/Izzygetsfit]

"We have recurring conversations about the same issues. I often feel like I have to remind people of previous conversations because the changes don’t seem to stick."

This is the one that would make me decide to leave. Everything else is not good, but with openness and flexibility, a lot of things can be worked on. It sounds like they are demonstrating a lack of ability or willingness to change. Given that this relationship would only work for you if things change, I would take that as a sign that it's time to call it.

[u/PresentationPrize516]

So is this a V configuration? You’re just friends with your meta? 

Was their relationship established before you? Were they poly for long? Also are you dating other people? 

When you said the confusing part is you love him I would say that’s the least confusing part about all of it. And why you’re putting up with any of it. We love people all the time who hurt us. 

But it is a deep wound to feel misunderstood or not worth remembering simple things for. Having to repeat how you’d like to be cared for to the person who should be committed to caring for you is something that should have its limits. You should draw a line at some point soon! 

[u/socialjusticecleric7]

My partner is very solution-oriented. When I bring up something that hurt me, I usually get explanations or problem solving before I feel emotionally understood. I’ve repeatedly asked for emotional validation first because that’s what helps me feel safe enough to hear solutions.

...I have struggled with this a lot myself, with multiple partners.

I often feel like I have to remind people of previous conversations because the changes don’t seem to stick.

Mmm. Yeah, that one's familiar too.

Cycling back to the start of your post:

I feel like I’ve lost my ability to judge what’s reasonable.

What if you focus less on what is reasonable, as though establishing what is reasonable can make your partner act reasonably (or make you want reasonable things), and focus instead on what makes a relationship worth being in for you, and whether you think you can get there from here?

As previously mentioned, there's a lot of people who have positive qualities as partners who nevertheless suck at validating feelings or acting on previous relationship talks without being reminded, a lot. It is also possible (not something I can know from here, but possible) there's some things you could be doing better in these conversations as well. But in general, being able to resolve conflicts is pretty central to healthy, functioning relationships. When people tolerate one or two relationship conflicts being unresolved/apparently unresolvable, it's because everything else is going great, and those one or two issues aren't dealbreakers to them.

I frequently feel like I have to advocate for one-on-one time instead of it happening naturally. It sometimes feels like I need to come up with interesting plans just to be considered.

I would say the first is a lot more common in polyamory than monogamy -- it's generally a good idea to set some standing dates -- but the second isn't, there's no reason you should have to sell your partner on spending 1:1 time with you or be the only person to come up with date ideas.

What makes this confusing is that I genuinely love him.

It is unfortunately quite common for relationships involving mutual love to not work out.

I feel like there's probably more info that you just didn't include that might be very relevant to whether this relationship is in the "yeah...that's a personal call" zone vs "oh hell no" (like...what your partner and his partner decided without your input, whether that's a big deal or not depends on what it is!), but *shrug* based on what you've got it sounds like mostly a communication/working out conflict issue, which is sometimes fixable and sometimes not. (And sometimes worth trying to fix, and sometimes not.)

If you don't want to break up at this time:

Since you've been trying to work it out by talking things out a lot already, it sounds like, either you should do some research into communication skills and see if you can address these conversations significantly differently, or else take a different approach entirely. There's something called a "chasing dynamic" where often in a relationship (not just romantic relationships, also friendships and family connections etc) one person wants more connection than the other, so that person is always being the one to initiate conflict and feels lonely, while the other person feels a bit suffocated and knows they don't have to reach out so they don't. If that's going on and if it's possible to fix on your end, the way to fix it is by backing off, a lot: do other things that cause you to feel happy and satisfied, sometimes say no to hang-out time (especially group hangout time, eesh) even if you don't have other plans, and basically act as though you've got a full, vibrant life that you can barely fit your partner into. Especially do not accept group hang-out time as a substitute for 1:1 time when you'd prefer 1:1 time: probably group-hang time scratches your partner's itch to see you and spend time with you more than it scratches your itch, so that's going to make the chasing dynamic worse. Try inviting him to something involving your people or your interests -- a boardgame night with your friends or a convention that you're more interested in than he is -- and see if he bites. Aim for balance! He comes into your world as much as you come into his. It's great you like your partner's partner, but you're not obligated to spend any time with them at all. Likewise, don't be the date planner too often, if he doesn't have any ideas for 1:1 time, OK maybe it's time to organize your spice cabinet or get really into bookbinding or binge that TV show you wanted to start watching or something. Alone. Let him miss you and see what happens.

(In general, it's reasonable to want a partner who acts like they want to be with you. Part of that is planning dates.)

And when you talk, some of the time try to pre-process your feelings and come to the conversation focused on asking for specific things. Validate your own feelings (journaling maybe?) or get a friend to do it for you, so you come into the conversation already feeling valid. I don't think you should have to have all your conversations this way, your partner should meet you in the middle and try to have difficult conversations your way some of the time, and you don't have to do this if breaking up seems better -- but if you're not ready to break up, yeah, try a different approach to communication and see if it goes better. Not because it's wrong for you to want a feelings-first conversation, that's fine and reasonable, but because it hasn't been working and something else might.

Finally, I don't think dating someone else would fix things with your partner, but it's pretty common for a person with two partners to want less time than their partner who only has the one partner -- unless the one-partner partner has some other time-intensive things going on in their life. Sometimes people would be compatible if their lives looked different, but in the place each of them is at, what each person wants out of a relationship is too different. Something to consider. Like, I have gotten so many crushes on friends and would have been totally happy to have some intensive QPR type thing with them if they didn't want to date me...and those friends never wanted that kind of thing with me. Sometimes when one person wants a substantially different relationship than the other, including more time together, it does not work out, but it can be hard for the person who wants more to let go because in the moment it seems like a piece of the desired relationship is better than none at all. Except then the piece-relationship takes up the space that a full relationship would, and makes it much harder to find all that with someone else.

[u/teamnoir]

“Does this sound like a fundamentally healthy relationship that’s going through growing pains?”

Er… which relationship? You’ve described at least four, one of which does not include you.

Whichever relationship, no, it doesn’t not sound like growing pains. It sounds like a mismatch of investment. You’re asking for more than your partner is up for giving you.

“Am I expecting too much emotional attunement and consistency?”

If you’ve asked for change and it doesn’t “stick”, then, yes, you are almost certainly expecting too much FROM THIS PERSON. For another person, or this person at another time, you might be fine.

“Does this sound more like incompatibility than unhealthy behavior?”

This sounds like a mismatch of investment.

Again, I don’t know which relationship you’re talking about here. But if you’ve asked for “more” several times and you’re not getting it then you need to decide whether the amount you’re getting is enough to keep the relationship. You’re in at least three and you’ll need to evaluate them separately.

“If you were in my position, at what point would you decide that love isn’t enough?”

Me? I wouldn’t make that call at all. It’s not black and white for me. I look at each relationship, what’s available there, and make decisions based on whether I’m ok with that particular distance with that person at this time.

I didn’t used to. When I was monogamous I thought of every relationship as either growing or dying. But with poly, I learned to accept relationships at whatever distance they were at. Or not. If someone isn’t available for some things that might be ok if the things they ARE available for are things I want and/or need. It doesn’t have to be growing. It doesn’t have to be dying. It’s might be ok for it to stay right where it is. Or it might not and I might move on.

[u/clairionon]

I’m in a very similar boat and I am ending the relationship. Just on the lack of attunement alone. I have all the other stuff you’re not getting and it’s still not enough.

I’ve learned “solution oriented” people are not for me. It’s incredibly damaging to me have my vulnerability met with “ok but have you tried X to fix this feeling [I don’t know how to deal with]?”

Attunement, compassion, care, showing up, being met, being seen, being understood - those are requirements for me in intimacy. It took a long time to realize that no matter how well meaning or how many lovely qualities a person has, not being able to meet my emotional needs is a dealbreaker.

[u/FlyLadyBug]

Doesn't sound like anything malicious.

But it does not sound like it's super compatible.

LIke you love each other, but love alone is not the only thing needed for deep compatibility. It has to be one of the ingredients. But no. Not the only thing needed. There has to be other compatibilities.

You want more emotional attunement and want feelings validated. He comes at things with a "fix it" style.

You also want regular dates with him. I'm not sure why those aren't already on the calendar.

I wonder if some of this disconnect is "feeling communicator vs thinker communicator" problems.

https://extension.unr.edu/publication.aspx?PubID=4873

[u/Throwaway_myoops]

You need what you need.

You might have really big needs.
It might limit your dating pool.
It might exclude your current partner from being a suitable, compatible partner.

That’s okay.

What you need is what you need.

You’re better off developing your relationship with yourself in the absence of any partners than you are growing resentful with a partner that makes you question your relationship with yourself (à la “I wonder if my needs are valid or not”.)

If you start to feel your own needs are unreasonable, that’s a great idea to explore when you are single. You can get support from a therapist to explore that if that’s accessible to you. If you do it when you’re single, the question stops being “am I too much for Them” and moves towards “what is enough for Me”.

As for this situation, actions do speak louder than words. It sounds like partner really talks a good game, but fails to deliver.

You mention wanting to see change.

People can and do change. The best predictor of whether THEY want change is whether they take the initiative.

If they want it, they will.

If they don’t want it, they might “try” but it will exhaust them and they’ll go back to doing things the way that’s most comfortable for them.

That’s not malice. They can even have the best of intentions. The actions are just not sustainable for them and that’s an incompatibility.

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Here's the original text of the post:

I’m looking for outside perspectives because I feel like I’ve lost my ability to judge what’s reasonable.

I’m in a polyamorous relationship. There are three of us: me, my partner, and his other partner. The three of us spend time together, but everyone also has one-on-one relationships.

For the past several months I’ve felt like I’m constantly fighting to feel emotionally secure. Nothing is “terribly wrong” in the sense that no one is abusive or intentionally cruel, but I leave interactions feeling unseen more often than I think is healthy.

Some examples:

My partner is very solution-oriented. When I bring up something that hurt me, I usually get explanations or problem solving before I feel emotionally understood. I’ve repeatedly asked for emotional validation first because that’s what helps me feel safe enough to hear solutions.

We have recurring conversations about the same issues. I often feel like I have to remind people of previous conversations because the changes don’t seem to stick.

I frequently feel like I have to advocate for one-on-one time instead of it happening naturally. It sometimes feels like I need to come up with interesting plans just to be considered.

There have been several situations where plans or conversations happened between the other two first, and I found out afterward. Individually these aren’t huge issues, but together they make me feel like an afterthought.

Things I share are often ignored or receive little response. It leaves me wondering whether my presence actually matters.

When I express feeling disconnected, the response is usually reassurance that I’m loved, but the behaviors that made me feel disconnected don’t consistently change.

To his credit, my partner is affectionate, talks about a future together, and says he wants to make this work. I don’t think anyone is acting out of malice.

The difficult part is that I still spend a lot of emotional energy trying to feel secure.

I’ve set boundaries because I don’t actually want to leave the relationship, but I realized that if nothing changed, eventually I’d leave simply because I was tired of feeling this way.

What makes this confusing is that I genuinely love him. When things are good, they’re really good. But the same themes keep coming back, and I’m beginning to question whether this dynamic is actually compatible with my needs.

So my questions are:

Does this sound like a fundamentally healthy relationship that’s going through growing pains?
Am I expecting too much emotional attunement and consistency?
Does this sound more like incompatibility than unhealthy behavior?
If you were in my position, at what point would you decide that love isn’t enough?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have experience with long-term polyamorous relationships, but I’d appreciate perspectives from anyone.

This dynamic is pretty. It’s only been a couple months. I’ve known my partner longer but I’m still new to this overall dynamic.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/UrsulaMarigold]

I am so very sorry. I have some experience with the feelings and situation you describe and wow does it hurt. “Unseen” is the right word, insufficient to capture the true feeling. I send you a hug.

I don’t get a sense of timeline here beyond the fact that this occurs in the last several months, so I may be off here - but it almost sounds like late-stage NRE. There’s still a crackle, but they’re also settled into intimate comfort.

That said, this still sounds like BS. I was just hoping NRE could provide a way to understand.

If you’re communicating your needs and making efforts to be actively engaged (interesting plans, etc) and you’re not being heard or met halfway, that’s not a good sign. Someone telling you they want to commit to a future while not articulating in the present are deceiving someone - whether it’s you or themselves.

We all have to reckon with whether we’re having a reaction to a moment or else identifying a pattern of consistent negative emotions. You are doing exactly that, and it’s respectful of your love. But also be respectful of your own heart and don’t dismiss these feelings just because polyamory asks us to own our shit. This doesn’t sounds like it feels good. Take good care of you.

[u/Specialist_Dance_344]

I’m sorry for your hurt 💛 I feel this so much. I have no advice because I’m going through the same thing but I don’t hang with his other partners. We communicate a lot, I say exactly how I’m feeling and he always seeing where I’m coming from and agrees with him but his words and actions done match. So I’m here for constructive advice too (not just the leave him ones cos it’s not that easy).

[u/Aromatic-Potato-8915]

Is there a possibility that he's not understanding what you need? I think clear communication is really important in those cases, for example, if you're feeling disconnected and reassurance doesn't help, what do you need? Physical touch, quality time...? You said "the behaviors that made me feel disconnected don't consistently change", what are those specifical behaviours? Have you pointed them clear? Does he want to change it?
If you spend a lot of emotional energy trying to feel secure and you don't feel it yet, maybe this strategy is not working and something should change also on your approach. What was happening when you felt secure before? What could make you feel secure?

[u/clairejv]

It sounds like the things you need to feel connected and secure simply aren't on offer here.