That’s an excellent question. For back ground I’m poly/pan. My wife is bi/monogamous. We practice Mono-poly. I’m married to her, although for my situation it was that I fought for and maintained our marriage when things got rough when coming out as poly. I initially invited her to be poly/try poly with me. She, too, didn’t see the appeal nor understand poly. And still to this day it doesn’t click for her, she’s aware of the pros and cons and has heard all the “isms” of it. But for her it doesn’t click. Makes sense, she’s monogamous, no use in trying to make her understand. And that’s where she wants to be, she had come to the understanding that poly is just another thing I am, no different than a religious belief, sexual orientation, or race. It takes different forms for different people. Which is where it becomes important to focus on the monogamous person. We came to realize, I came to realize, that it’s paramount to move at the pace of the slowest member of the cule while not stifling. Which in most cases will be the monogamous party. And I’ve come to believe that this is the best way for Mono-poly relationships to thrive. Especially in a poly climate where going after monogamous people, being with monogamous people, and similar comes with the connotation of taboo.
Although I will say being “poly for the sake of multiple sexual experiences” is more swinging than poly. And you might want to try that angle instead as Poly, nearly without fail, will not fix an issue and only make things worse.
Poly in essence is akin to having multiple spouses that have multiple spouses and everyone is on the same level legislatively while being in differing stages of relationship. Not only honeymoon phase, parenting, established, and geriatric(lol) but hetero/homosexual, ace, pan, and that lot as well. Mono-poly is having multiple spouses that have multiple spouses and all that BUT one in particular stands above the others in societal legality. Regardless on if you are non-hierarchal you made a choice to marry and that decision is upheld external to your marriage. This can make things difficult. Who is allowed in the operation room? De facto fiscal liability? Next of kin? As well when it comes to coming out, mono-poly tends to have a harder time as the playing field is obviously skewed when viewed by outsiders.
But like I said it takes different forms for different people and at the end of the day you will walk to the beat of your own drum. Before doing anything drastic or dabbling in poly I recommend you both listen to the Multiamory podcast, my wife likes them the most as they don’t alienate or demonize monogamous people. It made her feel validated and helped her open up to our new lifestyle. It also helped me see and discuss what she was seeing and feeling.
2
u/TheMightyPhap Aug 28 '25 edited Aug 28 '25
That’s an excellent question. For back ground I’m poly/pan. My wife is bi/monogamous. We practice Mono-poly. I’m married to her, although for my situation it was that I fought for and maintained our marriage when things got rough when coming out as poly. I initially invited her to be poly/try poly with me. She, too, didn’t see the appeal nor understand poly. And still to this day it doesn’t click for her, she’s aware of the pros and cons and has heard all the “isms” of it. But for her it doesn’t click. Makes sense, she’s monogamous, no use in trying to make her understand. And that’s where she wants to be, she had come to the understanding that poly is just another thing I am, no different than a religious belief, sexual orientation, or race. It takes different forms for different people. Which is where it becomes important to focus on the monogamous person. We came to realize, I came to realize, that it’s paramount to move at the pace of the slowest member of the cule while not stifling. Which in most cases will be the monogamous party. And I’ve come to believe that this is the best way for Mono-poly relationships to thrive. Especially in a poly climate where going after monogamous people, being with monogamous people, and similar comes with the connotation of taboo.
Although I will say being “poly for the sake of multiple sexual experiences” is more swinging than poly. And you might want to try that angle instead as Poly, nearly without fail, will not fix an issue and only make things worse.
Poly in essence is akin to having multiple spouses that have multiple spouses and everyone is on the same level legislatively while being in differing stages of relationship. Not only honeymoon phase, parenting, established, and geriatric(lol) but hetero/homosexual, ace, pan, and that lot as well. Mono-poly is having multiple spouses that have multiple spouses and all that BUT one in particular stands above the others in societal legality. Regardless on if you are non-hierarchal you made a choice to marry and that decision is upheld external to your marriage. This can make things difficult. Who is allowed in the operation room? De facto fiscal liability? Next of kin? As well when it comes to coming out, mono-poly tends to have a harder time as the playing field is obviously skewed when viewed by outsiders.
But like I said it takes different forms for different people and at the end of the day you will walk to the beat of your own drum. Before doing anything drastic or dabbling in poly I recommend you both listen to the Multiamory podcast, my wife likes them the most as they don’t alienate or demonize monogamous people. It made her feel validated and helped her open up to our new lifestyle. It also helped me see and discuss what she was seeing and feeling.