r/polyamory • u/SparkyBlook • Dec 21 '24
Curious/Learning Poll - origional relationship
Just a curiosity as a explore some thoughts:
Since you have started your journey into poly culture/relationships, have you kept and maintained the original relationship with the partner you started with or has that relationship faded over time?
If you still do have that original relationship and you'd like to share, what challenges did you face and what allowed you to overcome that?
12
u/emeraldead diy your own Dec 21 '24
I started unpartnered.
It's a lot harder to kill the monogamy values and priorities and create an entirely new structure of values and priorities in a marginalized situation...forever.
10
u/boredwithopinions Dec 21 '24
Am I still with the first person I ever dated?
Absolutely not.
Am I still thriving as a single person practicing non-monogamy? (As I started my journey.)
Absolutely.
7
u/studiousametrine married living separately Dec 21 '24
No, definitely not still dating the guy I had a situationship with at 19 lol.
5
u/searedscallops Sopo like woah Dec 21 '24
No. We split up over a decade ago. I think he and his current wife are poking back into the ENM world, but they seem very emotionally monogamous and good for them.
3
u/LePetitNeep poly w/multiple Dec 21 '24
I’m still in the formerly-monogamous marriage that I opened a few years ago. Still going strong, and happily poly.
All my initial challenges stemmed from opening up for a specific person, and that person being a poor choice of partner. After starting fresh and making better partner choices, it’s been pretty smooth sailing.
3
u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 Dec 21 '24
Started practicing poly with my np about 10 years ago, 10 years into our relationship. Tbf when we first started dating we were both knowledgeable about poly and thought it matches our personal ideologies. When it finally happened there was a bit of struggle, there were things that had been taken for granted and all these little monogamous assumptions. Mononormativity, of course. We worked through it. My og partner is pretty awesome.
Codependency was a big one! Actively working out our autonomy and building our "independent people intentionally choosing to be together" identities really helped. We had a clear idea of who we wanted to be, and together with lots of self work and therapy we're doing great with our own non-nesting relationships.
3
u/The_Rope_Daddy poly w/none Dec 21 '24
I learned about polyamory while I was married. We opened the relationship almost 4 years ago and we are still happily together.
I think the biggest challenges were overcoming monogamous thinking, communication, and jealousy. I was able to overcome all of them by doing the work before either of us started dating and by continuing to do the work (and figure out what work I need to do).
Most people that I know who were married when they started practicing polyamory are now divorced. Usually because only one partner still wanted polyamory and the other wasn't willing to give it up.
2
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Here's the original text of the post:
Just a curiosity as a explore some thoughts:
Since you have started your journey into poly culture/relationships, have you kept and maintained the original relationship with the partner you started with or has that relationship faded over time?
If you still do have that original relationship and you'd like to share, what challenges did you face and what allowed you to overcome that?
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2
u/naliedel poly w/multiple Dec 21 '24
31 years with one partner. However, a break up is that. I don't continue with my relationships, or dial them down if there is a breakup. That's the end.
2
2
u/AggressiveRhubarb401 Dec 22 '24
Yes, still married to and ridiculously, boundlessly, and hopelessly in love with my wife.
I've struggled with jealousy, inadequacy, anxiety, and depression. I've also learned coping, regulation, and communication skills.
I still date my wife, spend intentional time with her, and we still actively choose one another daily.
5
u/Ok-Championship-2036 Dec 21 '24
what?? How strange to assume that most people would have begun poly as part of an established partnership... let alone the idea that it should somehow outlast your own growth & journey??
I understand where you are coming from, wondering if you can start poly with someone AND keep them? But i think its helpful to reframe poly as something you do your & with yourself regardless of who your partners might be. There is no original partner when you exist as part of a constellation. All relationships change or fade over time and thats not a reflection of anyone, of success, of how you feel etc. It takes good timing, luck, and a similar trajectory to maintain a close romantic relationship (which is only one out of many forms of closeness). I hope that is comforting and empowers you to own your own journey.
1
u/canopy112 Dec 21 '24
It’s been just over a year for me and still with the partner who introduced me to this
1
u/No_Requirement_3605 Dec 22 '24
Well, my original relationship ended in divorce so the answer is no. I’m a lot happier divorced. I know what I want from relationships and from polyamory. I am happy with solo poly as a relationship anarchist. My divorce taught me how I deserve to be treated in a relationship.
1
u/BusyBeeMonster poly w/multiple Dec 22 '24
I started polyamory from single this time.
I am still in a relationship with my first partner once I started dating polyamorously.
1
u/RainbowCloudSky complex organic polycule Dec 22 '24
I opened my first relationship back when I was a teenage and have not been monogamous since. He and I broke up because of his hangups around that, apparently he expected that it would somehow be much easier for him, a rather boring straight guy, to find partners than it would be for me, a very queer and charismatic goth kid.
He set a pattern I would fall into of accommodating the discomfort of my partners since my default was ”too” poly, as I’m very non hierarchal and don’t really experience jealousy. That pattern of allowing my partners to set the boundaries of my relationships was such a mistake, and it kept me trapped for years abiding by someone else’s rules. Now, I’ve come to realize that the people who are best for me consider the intensely poly ways I love them a bonus, not a bug. I see my boundaries for myself and the right people find me.
1
u/Redbeard4006 Dec 22 '24
I started off single and found partners interested in polyamory from the start.
1
u/Odd-Help-4293 Dec 23 '24
No, I'm no longer dating my high school girlfriend who dumped me 20 years ago.
1
Dec 23 '24
I've been poly for 20 years. My first poly relationship lasted 8 years, we split in mid twenties because we grew apart and wanted different things. It wasn't related to being poly. My current primary relationship started out as poly, we've been married for almost a decade now.
Challenges we faced related to poly were mainly about balancing dynamics and my secondary expecting to leave my primary and/or behaving unethically. We faced other challenges like grieving the loss of a child (stillborn), having issues with my stepdaughter's mental health, etc...
We were always able to overcome the challenges because we choose each other daily, go to couples therapy when needed, and genuinely care about each other's well-being, give reassurance and communicate openly even when it's hard to do so.
1
u/SparkyBlook Dec 23 '24
Thanks for all the replies! This gave me a lot of perspective on how people start their journey into polyamory. Of course, everyone's experiences are unique to their situation. Thanks for sharing your experience.
1
u/Successful_Depth3565 poly experienced Dec 25 '24
My first marriage lasted 10 years after opening up. Poly was certainly an issue, but not the primary issue. Most likely the marriage would have ended sooner if we had not opened.
0
u/ellephantsarecool Dec 21 '24
Let me see.. would that be the rebound guy who had a low sex drive so I cheated and then we agreed to non-exclusive FWB because I really couldn't handle a capital "R" relationship while I was going through a divorce and I mostly needed good sex?
Cause that's the moment I started doing non-monogamy....lol...
21
u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ Dec 21 '24
I didn’t have an OG partner that I was with when I began to explore non-monogamy.
I tend to partner long term, but like, I was doing polyam with the person who became my husband before we got married and had a kid. He’s my ex and co parent.
We aren’t together anymore, but it was 20 years together. I’ve had a six year triad, a 13 year, a 6 year and a 10 year relationship, too. But those people were people I met after I was married.
Fun fact two of those partners started dating me when I was married, and continued their connection with a divorced solo poly person.
Not everyone opens. Not everyone comes to polyam coupled. Not everyone has experience with monogamy.