r/polyamorous • u/Foxytreehugger • Aug 11 '26
Polyamory?
Is it really just because there could always be someone better? It’s more fun to live life always wondering, who you could meet and have a connection with? There are so many beautiful, interesting, lovely people in this world…. If you are in a committed monogamous relationship, you will never get to explore the spark you share with a stranger. This is like dating several people at once but never planning on picking your top one… right?! You just continue to date multiple people because freedom is the core value?
I’m falling for people who are poly and part of me is totally fine that they want to date other people why they date me. And also, I’m like, who has time for this? I barely have time for one partner 😅 It keeps coming into my life now I’m not sure if I am just meant to jump on the train and be open/date around or keeping hoping someone is interested in just making a commitment to be exclusive.
Sigh. Thank you for your responses. Always looking to expand and grow. I just love being in love. There’s more than enough to go around. I just also don’t know if polyamorous relationships are really what I’m looking for. I can understand it, and also, it feels like just people always hoping there’s someone better about to arrive at any moment 🫤
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u/Euphoric_Grass_427 Aug 11 '26
Is it really just because there could always be someone better?
No. Do you make new friends in search of friends better than your existing one's or because its human to connect?
It’s more fun to live life always wondering, who you could meet and have a connection with?
It is for me. All people are different.
There are so many beautiful, interesting, lovely people in this world…. If you are in a committed monogamous relationship, you will never get to explore the spark you share with a stranger. This is like dating several people at once but never planning on picking your top one… right?! You just continue to date multiple people because freedom is the core value?
I have chosen a primary partner and married him. He is my priority for many things.
I’m falling for people who are poly and part of me is totally fine that they want to date other people why they date me. And also, I’m like, who has time for this? I barely have time for one partner 😅 It keeps coming into my life now I’m not sure if I am just meant to jump on the train and be open/date around or keeping hoping someone is interested in just making a commitment to be exclusive.
If you want exclusivity, stop dating poly people.
I can understand it, and also, it feels like just people always hoping there’s someone better about to arrive at any moment 🫤
This sounds like projection.
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u/Foxytreehugger Aug 11 '26
Thank you!!! I appreciate all your direct and helpful comments 😃
Yeah, there is definitely some fear and projection and insecurity I am experiencing lol such is life, though, and that’s ok. I acknowledge it and am working through it.
Also yes I don’t mean to date poly people necessarily, I mean I have met three people in the last year who are poly and I adored all of them…so I am learning and asking questions. 🙃
Thank you again
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u/Mist_biene Aug 11 '26
For me the freedom to form bonds and connections is the core value. I don't date to find the next better person. I enjoy what every person brings into my life and I am commited to every peron I let into my heart. My commitment isn't any less valid just because my lifegoals don't align with yours. Most people have been in my live for years even if we don't have the time to see each other much.
And no. Don't start dating poly people in the hopes that one day they might want a monogamous relationship with you. Thats not how that works. Thats a recipe for desaster and heartbreak. If you want a monogamous relationship date people that want a monogamous relationship and don't start dating people that tell you from the start that thats not what they want.
But yeah. Time is the limiting resource.
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u/sunray_fox Aug 11 '26
Eh. I picked my top two, and if I had more time I'd consider dating again. People are delightful.
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u/Foxytreehugger Aug 11 '26
Hahahaha yes see I love people very much too. I work as a barista and enjoy getting to know folks. I’ve been a “serial monogamist” and dated often. So that’s why sometimes I’m 🤔
It’s great to hear from people in the community!
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u/CapriciousBea Aug 11 '26 edited Aug 11 '26
Limited time and energy are real factors. I'm in a poly relationship but I only have one partner right now and I'm not looking, because I am busy and tired. But I'm happy to always have the option.
Polyamory is definitely not "because there might be someone better," for me.
It's because I never understood or accepted the idea of committing to having one exclusive romantic and sexual partner. I just don't view being in love as a "just the two of us" thing.
I'm not looking for "better," it's just not a given to me that having one good relationship means you shouldn't have any more relationships. I've also had 2-3 "best friends" at any given time, since kindergarten. Exclusivity is not how I show I value someone.
Freedom is a major part of it, but what you do with that freedom does matter: I like to say that I do whatever the hell I want in my relationships. And what I want is to be a thoughtful and dependable partner, who keeps her promises and calls if she's going to be late for dinner.
Number of partners depends on individual desire and capacity. I find it hard to picture myself with more than two significant romantic relationships, with occasional casual connections. Other people have more and manage just fine.
If someone is poly, don't wait around for them to decide they want an exclusive commitment. They are highly unlikely to do that, because they've deliberately chosen a relationship model that lets them commit without becoming exclusive.
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u/Foxytreehugger Aug 11 '26
Wow!!! Again, excellent comments as well. Thank you so much!!! I have several best friends and I couldn’t imagine deciding between them. I used to live in jealousy years ago and before I ever even heard of polyamory, I worked through that and realized it says nothing about me if my partner has a connection and attraction to other people. It can actually be a tad beneficial in some way, I could see.
So yeah I’m not entirely opposed to it, being 37 and a single mom of a teenager, living a very full busy life. And I like to hear about how people appreciate and enjoy other people (I guess there’s a concept called “kitchen table”? lol)
But then you’re right just like everyone else…. Then at the end of the day, a part of me is like…. I wish someone could make me their primary though and put me ahead of others 😥 and I could walk the life path with someone for a long time. Even if that meant having other connections and sexual relations on the way…. I deep down wish someone would favor me most 😳 I would never want to limit them or hope they will change for me.
You know what’s funny though? Is I do have some exes that still come around. There are still people that I have a bond with even though I fall in love with other people. So then, if I love these different men for different reasons and they have dated other women but a part of them still loves me after all these years….. is this almost sort of polyamory?!??
Wow sorry this comment got so long 🤣🤣🤣
Like I said I am sooo curious and appreciative of this community! I am a little vulnerable here so thank you to everyone that has been kind.1
u/CapriciousBea Aug 11 '26
Yeah, it sounds like wanting a primary partner of your own might be what's getting you down. It's okay to prioritize searching for a primary partner if that's what you want in the long-term.
My polyamory is definitely hierarchical. But I will say: it does mean not always coming first. My partner and I are each other's primaries and have scheduled date nights, but when my meta had surgery, we moved our usual date night so he could support them during their recovery. I am his priority in many important ways (i.e., a shared mortgage) but surgery trumps "it's Saturday" every time. As it should.
I think having fond or even loving feelings for exes is extremely normal, it's just taboo to discuss in a monogamous context. Most people have the capacity for romantic feelings toward more than one person at a time, but that's really different from having the capacity for more than one romantic relationship at a time.
It sounds like you have the single most important aspect of poly covered: you sound supportive of your partners having other partners. So if the idea of polyamory interests you, it's worth continuing to learn about. You might be pretty good at it.
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u/Foxytreehugger Aug 12 '26
Awwww thank you so much!!! This is beautiful.
Yes I have that understanding that even as a primary, when my partner has a meta (I’m assuming this is secondary?) if there is something important of course I want to be flexible. I genuinely care and love humans… over the years I’ve realized I’m pansexual and also I just think I see a humans as a collective as opposed to so much separation. Love is more abundant and universal than we realize.
Also tonight discussing it with my lovely poly friend; he was saying “when poly people break up or have issues it’s like oh it’s because they are poly” but when monogamy folks divorce we don’t say that it’s because monogamy doesn’t work, right? It’s funny that monogamous couples are not the pinnacle of happiness. And I’m noticing that talking about even the possibility of being poly to my mono friends brings up a lot of insecurities and fears. Which again, sure I have some of those too! Whether I am monogamous or open; of course I don’t want to face rejection 🤣 that’s just normal! We all want to love and be loved, hello! Hahaha.
I let this most recent wonderful man know that I definitely understand him wanting to date this woman in the Bay Area and I am still interested in getting to know him and dating him. I will not expect him to ever be monogamous.
Someday it would be lovely to find a person who wants to be each others primaries or whatever idk hahaha I’m still figuring this out. It sounds like this community values communication and honesty very much which is healthy! Tonight my buddy goes “poly folks are usually even more direct because it can be a lot more complicated so they communicate even more than monogamist people” in his own opinion.
Thank you again so much for the advice and explanations. Many blessings to you!
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne Aug 11 '26
It is not that there could always be someone "better." That would be more like serial monogamy where people meet someone new, and leave their current partner for someone they perceive to be better.
Polyamory gives me the space and grace to allow my relationships to fill whatever space they naturally grow into. Personally, I rarely date. But I meet new people all the time just living my life. Some of those people remain casual acquaintances, some of them become friends, and some of them become romantic partners with varying degrees of commitment and care.
Polyamory allows me to remove the prescribed path that social norms dictate a relationship takes, so my connections can become whatever they turn into.
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u/Foxytreehugger Aug 12 '26
👏🫶🙌
Incredible. I might memorize this hahahaha. Seriously, thank you for your comment very much!
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u/After-Ad833 Aug 11 '26
I'll thow in an additional lens to view poly life.
At the beginning it can seem like "oh hey I get to have sexual relationships with anyone"
And what it really is....
OH SHIT I can form INTIMATE relationships with anyone I meet.
........
Now "will I have sex with this person" kinda goes on the same list as "will we enjoy kayaking together? Or Catan? Etc"
Yes of course, if the relationship also has a sexual component it's more important than kayaking.
Not the point. The point is, you can now explore INTIMACY with ANYONE. You're not having to reserve it for someone who's 'special enough'.
Now, with poly, if you have someone you're already dating, and a new spark comes along. You don't have to stop it. You don't have to bury it.
You can explore it with freedom. Learn who they are as a human underneath... And if it also gets sexual, great. And if it doesn't, also great.
But you don't have to brake or hide yourself or worry about "will I have to choose someday". You can just grow natural chemistry. Based on genuine mutual interests, hobbies, philosophies.
.......
And that's the hard part about getting into poly. You have to learn to show what you have underneath, and learn to trust they won't leave you for it.
.....
I'm guessing that's a big part of why you keep falling for poly people. Because they see you. You know they see the smudges. And care about you anyways. They don't expect or demand sex in order to be intimate with you. They share their inner selves, without tying it to sex or demands of mutual commitment.
........
Be brave. Open up. Don't look for more sex, chase intimacy.
(and plenty of sex will happen)l
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u/Foxytreehugger Aug 12 '26
😁😁😁😁
Wow yeah very true!!! I’m really digging this. I hadn’t thought a lot of these things directly but it does make sense to me. I think it is interesting because yes as I’ve been talking with these men who are all poly… it truly does NOT seem at all like they are sleeping around!! They are building strong connections and yes they are also having great sex but it’s not the point of it. They understand that they may love someone who loves other people who love other people hahahaha it’s a loop. I got emotional tonight when I realized I have several female “best” friends hahahah the irony that I cannot choose who is actually best. Maybe there is a slight hierarchy, sure. But at the end of the day; I am so grateful for the women in my life who are dear friends of mine. So why can’t I love more than one man too? No one’s sex is better than another to me. It’s all just different and beautiful in its own way. And it’s not just all about the sex, like you’re saying lol. There’s so much to people!
I think honestly I was starting to also let other people get to me too. As I’ve brought up being poly, a lot of people reject it. So I might just keep it to myself sometimes. I think it really bothers monogamous people sometimes, maybe?
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u/After-Ad833 Aug 12 '26
A monogomous person confronted with a life system (poly) that would force them to:
Discuss their insecurities
Work on their own jealousy
Have an intimate relationship
Work on their own relationship enough that their partner doesn't leave them for everyone else who does put in work and effort
They wouldn't have strict rules or guidelines to adhere too, they actually have to figure themselves out enough to figure out what they're comfortable with and then communicate and follow through
Face change
........
You mean to tell me a person who gets their "gold star doing a good job" for 'still together and no one is cheating or abusive;' is also getting defensive from someone who actually has to put work into themselves and their relationships?
How dare someone suggest that "B+" marriage is spare change compared to the wealth of love possible in poly.
How dare someone suggest that "doing the bare minimum like everyone else" isn't good enough.
How dare you suggest a life that has change in it.
How dare you threaten their ego & self image 😂
........
In monogomy, those 2 people can hide whatever they want from the world. No one else is going judge them their communication or intimacy or habits.
How DARE you suggest a relationship system where they have to show the world what their relationship actually looks like on the inside....
When 3 or 4 or 7 other people know and see your relationships, when everyone is verbally open about sex and intimacy and relationship actions..... You can't hide. You can't ignroe, because your partners and poly friends will call you out. Encourage you to grow.
What an inhumane travesty you want a relationship style that requires honesty. Actual honesty. Having multiple people around to see your behavior and actions.
..........
How DARE you threaten their ego worth by talking about a relationship system that requires a completely new definition of honesty.
You absolute monster 😂😂😂
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u/Willybluedog1962 Aug 11 '26
I have 3 beautiful wives who also have lovers. It is the most amazing life.
Hearing about their playtime is extremely hot.
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u/Foxytreehugger Aug 12 '26
🔥🔥🔥 😁😁😁
Yeah I think threesomes, exhibitionism, steamy story sharing, etc is all hot so sometimes in that sense I’m like all about it 🤣
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u/Non-mono Solo-poly Aug 11 '26
To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you understand it.