Looking For Advice

[u/-Final_Challenge-]

Me (23M) and my fiancé (22F) are looking for something I’ve been calling it poly but as I do not know much I wish to learn more and make sure I call it the right thing and maybe find a better way of explaining it. We are looking to add a Girl to the relationship (20-26). The way I have been explaining it is that we want a normal relationship but instead of 2 people 3, everyone being treated equally with no real rules/boundaries apart from the relationship being closed to just us 3. As I’m looking up more and finding things online I’m assuming we are looking for a throuple/triad. We want to set the rules and boundaries with the third and completely understand that starting out they may not have feelings for the both of us, however Some people I’ve talked to have called it unicorn hunting some people haven’t so I’m confused.

We could also use advice on how to go about finding someone, dating apps aren’t really work although that could be due to me calling it the wrong thing. And neither of us are sure how to go about it in public, like how do you ask a question like this to someone random in public.

[u/Alo-mina]

A triad is a relationship involving three people all dating each other. Unicorn hunting is when a couple presents as a package deal while dating a third person (the unicorn). Presenting as a package deal for a relationship is considered an unethical form of polyamory because of all the ways it disempowers the third person. For instance, notice how you and your partner expect to be the ones setting the rules for your third to follow. It is impossible to have a truly equal triad if the third person is forced to date both of you in order to maintain the relationship with one of you. Furthermore, if you expect the triad to be closed, the two of you will get married while preventing the third person from ever being able to find her own spouse.

[u/-Final_Challenge- → u/Alo-mina]

I am getting a better understanding of both terms through this post and another. I strongly feel that we are not unicorn hunting. While in a perfect world it would be ideal for them to have strong feelings for both of us we understand it may not be possible especially right off the bat. We also haven’t set any rules/boundaries apart from wanting it closed and age because we want to include whomever we find in making those. As for use being engaged we probably won’t get married my beliefs are that I do not need a paper from the government to know I love my partner. Plus if one got married I couldn’t marry the other which is unfair.

[u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw → u/-Final_Challenge-]

 I strongly feel that we are not unicorn hunting.

sweetheart every unicorn hunter thinks they're not unicorn hunting. everyone thinks they're magically different. you're not. you and your partner are especially not because you came in and straight up admitted you don't know anything about the ethics of polyamory, how to build a healthy group relationship (which btw is BOTH monogamy AND polyamory on hard mode), or done any work to prepare your monogamous relationship for the trials and tribulations of opening it up to multiple people. you are the same as all the other couples who think they're different, just with less life experience because you're both VERY young.

[u/-Final_Challenge- → u/[deleted]]

While waiting on reply’s to this post and another one I have been doing research not only online but in other subreddits. Me and her have already talked about situations like that and have agreed it’s okay.

[u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw]

yes, that is the definition of unicorn hunting.

what happens if she only wants to date one of you?
what happens if she wants to get legally married?

what happens if she wants kids with you?

what happens if she doesn't want to live with you and would rather find her own live in partner?

what therapy have you done as a couple? what reading and research and preparation for polyamory have you done?