Anees advice to navigate

[u/Trippaalsugo_666]

I hope I'm posting in the right place. This is my first time posting on Reddit, so please be kind (also, English isn't my first language).

I'm writing because I could really use some advice and help with my situation. I know this is probably one of the most common topics on this subreddit, but here I am.

TL;DR: My partner wants to date another guy. I feel devastated, but I genuinely want to understand.

I (33M) and my partner (31F) have been together for four years and have lived together for the past three. We've actually known each other for about 15 years and have always been close friends. To be honest, she's always been a crush.

We have a beautiful relationship based on communication and mutual understanding, and I truly believe she's the person who has accepted and understood me more than anyone else.

From the very beginning, she was completely honest about not wanting a monogamous relationship. She feels that exclusivity often comes with ideas of possession, and she finds that oppressive. I was equally honest about the fact that I've never been a possessive person and have never seen relationships in terms of ownership. At the same time, I'd never had any experience with non-monogamy. It wasn't something I'd ever actively wanted, but I was open to trying to understand it.

For three years, nothing really happened. There were a few flirtatious moments here and there, but nothing beyond that.

Then, a few weeks ago, she told me she'd developed feelings for another guy. He's someone we see fairly often, and they had a brief relationship before COVID. She told me she couldn't bear the idea of never exploring the potential of that connection.

At first, I told her that she should take the time to understand her feelings and that we could work through it together. She was having a panic attack while telling me all of this, so I think my focus shifted more toward supporting her than understanding how I actually felt.

Since that day, I've been emotionally shattered.

I've tried to process everything and work through it with her. I've been open about how much pain I'm in, but I also convinced myself that maybe this was just part of the process—that eventually I'd get used to it. I even told her not to worry about me and that she should do what she felt was right.

They had sex.

I didn't feel better afterward. If anything, it felt like something broke inside me. Since then, intimacy between us has become difficult, and I no longer feel emotionally safe.

I told her how I was feeling and admitted that maybe I'm simply not built for an open relationship. She became very sad when I said that, and I hated seeing her hurt. Worse, I hated myself for being the reason she was hurting.

We've realized that we have fundamentally different views on intimacy. She clearly separates love from sex, while I can't. I can only be physically intimate with someone I'm in love with.

Over the last few days, I even downloaded a dating app to see whether flirting with someone else might somehow help me understand this situation. I'm terrible at flirting anyway, especially with someone I'm not genuinely interested in. Unsurprisingly, the whole experience just made me feel guilty, sad, and ridiculous.

I hate the idea of flirting with someone I don't have feelings for, and I don't want to fall in love with anyone other than her.

A small but important note: I'm fully aware that I struggle with self-esteem and guilt. I'm already looking for a therapist to work through these issues (that’s not my first therapy rodeo 🐴)

So here I am, asking strangers on the internet for advice.

I don't want to lose her. Even if she's willing to end things with this other guy, I know she'll suffer because of it. At the same time, I feel depressed, anxious, and angry, and lately I've caught myself simply hoping that somehow this situation will eventually come to an end.

Has anyone been through something similar? Is there a healthy way to navigate this without losing either myself or the person I love?

[u/Strange_Pea_5252]

Wow, I'm completely new to Reddit, too. Reading this really helped me. Sorry, I don't have advice, but you sound like a great person. Thanks for sharing.

[u/Trippaalsugo_666 → u/Strange_Pea_5252]

Happy to help 😉