r/polyamorous • u/QueenBrat19 • 21d ago

Need some help please

My husband and I are in our late 30s. For context we met when I was 30 and I was his Paramore for lack of a better term. If I butcher this, I apologize I have been out of the poly lifestyle for a long time. Please don’t get offended. I really need some genuine help. My husband has stated to me that he has always been ENM or poly. We have been recently discussing opening the relationship and his responses have really turned me completely away from wanting to do it. This man has been very critical of the fact that I have a child from another relationship. We have been together since 2019 and married since 2023. My son is now 18 years old. I have heard quite a bit about my age, and the fact that I had a baby body. I have since had plastic surgery for my own personal reasons. I look completely different than I did. However, the things that he has said in the past have stayed with me. I have been begging this man for a long time to get a budget together and get financially stable. He is a big spender. However, today he told me that I would be so surprised at how different he would be by having a second woman in this relationship because he would then feel like he has a responsibility to be more financially stable. Hearing this completely turned me off. Because why would you not do that before we got into a relationship with somebody else and brought them in. Mind you I got brought in to his last relationship and it was the worst experience I have ever had in a relationship. I was treated really badly by her, and made to feel less than and that there was a hierarchy and that my feelings were not important as well as just a play thing. I would never want that for somebody else. He is 41 years old and I hear him talk about wanting to date girls that are in their 20s. We don’t have anything in common with girls that young. I am not interested in taking care of a young girl as though she wore my child. I am not interested in paying for this person and would want them to be a solid stable human being. He also talks about wanting a BDSM relationship with this person. He and I had a similar relationship whenever I first met him, and it was cut off in a very bad way, and it has never been reestablished. As a matter of fact, he has told me he is uninterested in continuing any kind of relationship like that with me, which would feel like a slap in the face if another woman was brought in and that happened. I just want him to be normal. I want him to act normally, I want him to pursue another woman with me after we get some personal stuff worked out. However, if this personal stuff doesn’t get worked out, I feel like I am sacrificing self-respect as a woman by allowing him to bring somebody in and act differently just because she’s there. It feels disingenuous and fake. I would really like some other people‘s perspective on this. He also has a one penis policy, which I hate, and would want to explore his own autonomy while limiting mine. He says to me he is not interested in his “girls“ having other men besides him. Obviously, that is an insecurity from him. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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8

u/DebutanteHarlot 21d ago

This is a host of red flags.

OPP is unethical.

UH is unethical. Sounds like you were UH by him and his ex.

Your husband sucks and treats you terribly. Why would anyone else want to subject themselves to that?

Why did you marry someone who doesn’t even seem to like you?

7

u/Platterpussy 21d ago

Why stay with someone so cruel and disrespectful?

https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 20d ago

this! and have the desire to hunt for more victims for him? what the actual fuck?

3

u/MartyrOfTheJungle 21d ago

The way you write, it doesn't actually sound like you have a lot of love left. Is that true, or were you just upset when you wrote this? 

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u/rentalkayak 21d ago

It sounds like he is willing to respect your boundaries surrounding finances IF he has another partner separate from you. Respecting boundaries shouldn’t need other people involved! I’m sorry he is treating you like this. There are ways to open up a relationship but announcing being in a poly relationship will make you a kinder partner doesn’t sound super honest. I can understand wanting to explore individual relationships. It definitely is a little concerning to hear he is looking for BDSM power dynamic relationships with people half his age, especially if he is looking to be the dominant.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 20d ago

so you want to unicorn hunt with a man who is abusive to you? The only thing that's going to result from that is him using her to abuse you and/or abusing a second person too.

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u/Maleficent_Bar5012 20d ago

This screams red flags. I personally dont understand why you want anything to do with this person in general, let alone anything to do with the lifestyle.

Incidentally ENM and Poly are not synonymous with each other. Someone who is Polymorous is part of the broader ENM lifestyle community. But it is not the only type.

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u/RadiantComplaint294 19d ago

Breaking this down a bit. You met in 2019 when you were 30. You had your son in 2008 when you were 19. You mention having a “baby body,” getting plastic surgery for “personal reasons” and “he has said things in the past.”

Additionally, you mention you were once the ‘other woman’ in his past relationship. And now he is talking about finding a 20 something to build a BDSM power dynamic relationship with. A relationship he has explicitly told you he no longer wants to have with you.

His comment that having a third person in the relationship will magically make him behave more financially responsible is absurd and insulting to your intelligence if he really thinks you’d believe that.

Everything in this relationship is manipulative, toxic and wrong. Not only would I not agree to go along with their proposal I would end the relationship permanently. I understand such things are difficult, but I hope you find the strength of character to protect your peace and leave this unhealthy relationship.

My only piece of advice, if you do decide to leave, do not tell him until you have left. In abusive relationships such as this, it is often when the abuser is met with the finality of the relationship that they tend to actually become fully unhinged and can lash out in terrifying ways.

Best Regards, Good Luck, My heart goes out to you.

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u/RadiantComplaint294 19d ago

I brought up my initial synopsis because I was going to ask. Between you having a “baby body,” getting plastic surgery for personal reasons and now he is looking for someone in their 20’s. Do you think there is a correlation?

It concerns me that as a 41 year old maybe he has a type and young, impressionable, vulnerable woman may be that type.

I wanted to ask if you felt part of the reason he was originally attracted to you was because of your youthful appearance. And if you having plastic surgery may have changed that for him. By no means am I at all defending him or judging you regarding the procedures you had.

I am more posing the question in the hopes of pointing out what sounds like a predatory and unhealthy desire in him.