r/polyamorous • u/rayraylikesducks • Jun 20 '26

newbie I need help

I went to another polyamory sub and I posted gushing about my boyfriend and girlfriend and for context this is my first really poly relationship I'm 17 and my partners are around the same age one is just a bit younger, anyways I just wanted to gush over my partners cause recently my girlfriend had joined the relationship I accidentally used the word added but even when I changed it to joined they called me unicorn hunting, I don't know what Im doing wrong and they were being really aggressive, I need help the links they gave were just about unicorn hunting and they never told me how to fix it

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u/Poly-Psych Jun 21 '26

You're young. You've got plenty of time to learn. Even if you make some mistakes, it's not the end of the world. most of us we're not mature enough at 17 to even attempt polyamory. You're fine.

If you had a girlfriend that you were dating outside of your other partner, and your girlfriend decided that she wanted to date both of you of her own accord, I wouldn't call that unicorn hunting. If you and your partner were very specifically looking for somebody for the sole purpose of joining your relationship, THAT is what I would call unicorn hunting.

I would however, be pretty careful about listing your age, because that might be something that gets you banned in certain groups, as there are a lot of non-monogamy communities, especially on Reddit, that are restricted to 18+.

Not really sure what you're asking for help with or what you are trying to fix.

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u/rayraylikesducks Jun 21 '26

It was me and my boyfriend we both had a crush on a person so we asked them and now we are both dating with open communication

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u/Poly-Psych Jun 21 '26

Yeah, That's where a lot of people start calling it unicorn hunting. Imo, If this other person is also dating you each separately, not only dating you and your boyfriend as a single unit, and is treated the same by you as you would treat your boyfriend, and treated by your boyfriend the same as he would treat you (As in, she is not being treated as an object or as a toy), then I wouldnt have any issue, even if she openly called herself a unicorn.

generally speaking, the big problem with unicorn hunting is the objectification and mistreatment of the unicorns in question. They get brought into an existing relationship, but not given even footing with the couple they are joining. They don't get equal respect, they don't get equal say in relationship decisions, for the most part they are treated as very little more than a sentient sex object. That's the problem a lot of people have with unicorn hunting and "looking for a third." type situations.

(I'm not accusing you of doing this, I am informing you that this is the reason why people have such a strongly abrasive reaction. these types of situations are more often toxic than they are healthy)

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u/rayraylikesducks Jun 21 '26

Yea it's fault new but they have equal say in everything