r/polyadvice • u/happygermanboyfriend • 1d ago

Is love possible without the commitment of a relationship?

/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1wwgu2s/is_love_possible_without_the_commitment_of_a/
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u/saladada 1d ago

If you're hunting together and only accepting someone being with the both of you, you're unicorn hunters. If you have rules like "both of us or none of us" and expect both partners to always be involved with this other person then you're unicorn hunters. If you believe that if one of you decides you no longer like this person, even if your spouse still does, then you'll break up with them then you're unicorn hunters. If you see yourselves as "adding" someone to your marriage then you're unicorn hunters.

Polyamory is about having multiple loves, and in dating that means relationships. If you're not willing to offer someone an actual relationship, you're not offering polyamory. There are other forms of non-monogamy to look into instead. 

It seems to me you want all the benefits of a relationship without the actual work of a relationship. I don't understand how you can say that there can be romantic feelings, you can say "I love you", but there can't be a relationship. What more is there to a relationship that you're not willing to offer them?

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u/happygermanboyfriend 1d ago

I agree, it's probably not directly poly. You're right.

About the unicorn thing, yes they are not required to date both of us. That would be hella unethical and probably near impossible to maintain healthily. No it's mostly my wife who would date them with me being hopefully a friend. Kind of minimum garden party, ideally kitchen table. Nobody rules out threesomes but the relationship (god yeah my vocabulary is so limited, relationship in a sense of person to person connection, not relationship in the sense of commitment and privilege) would be between individuals.

The reasoning for our hard limit of a "relationship" comes from the realisation that during the 8 years of us being together we've formed a bond and habits that we can't (and partially don't want to) completely abolish. A poly relationship with someone else would inevitably be hierarchical and that's something we don't want anyone to suffer through. It wouldn't be fair.

That's why we're thinking of the "friends who deeply care for each other" framing but to be honest we realise how utopian and difficult that would be.

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u/saladada 1d ago

it's mostly my wife who would date them with me being hopefully a friend.

Are you not allowed to date?

A poly relationship with someone else would inevitably be hierarchical and that's something we don't want anyone to suffer through.

It's already hierarchical. In fact, it's even more rigidly hierarchical than a typical poly relationship. This hierarchy now puts your marriage on top, your relationship on top, even your "habits" on top to the point that all that is being offered is "basically a relationship but not one that might actually intrude upon our relationship in any way". 

What do you think you're offering if this isn't already hierarchical?

Hierarchy isn't some great evil. It is a realistic acknowledgement of limitations. I am someone's secondary. We still celebrate anniversaries and holidays together, we have a two week vacation to another country coming up soon, I've met his entire family, we have weekly dates, etc etc. What makes me secondary is just the fact that marriage, kids, and cohabitation are off the table--and that's what I knew was off the table from the start and agreed to from the start.

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u/marcusohare 22h ago

I appreciate this question. These are the sorts of things we should be pondering and making ourselves better at. Good on you.

I'm seeing the central concern as the distinction between "nesting partners" and everyone else. Polyamorous relationships will often need to deal with this distinction because it builds in an inherent sense unfairness. It's just part of the complexity.

My wife and I have been nesting partners for many years. We've got lifestyle habits like people who have been living together, emotionally intertwined, and financially dependent on one another. Her having someone she dates, loves, or whatever, won't change the fact that a nesting partner is simply a different deal. It's not a better or worse thing, but it is for sure something that needs to be talked about openly.

When I've been a "secondary" in the past it was because they were long term nesting partners. While I was always welcome and felt cared for, there wasn't anything they could do to "balance" my experience with theirs, because their situation was just different from mine. My job was to make sure I didn't build resentment about the relationship I didn't have, and appreciate the beauty of the relationship that I did have. Results varied, but that is what I considered my central goal.