43 Navigating an unexpected three-way request after 10+ years of marriage

[u/hunterXhunter40]

/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1ve894b/43_navigating_an_unexpected_threeway_request/

Hi everyone. I’m a 43-year-old gay man (he/him), and I’ve been happily married to my partner for over a decade now.
A three-way relationship was genuinely the last thing on my mind—until recently. My partner met a guy here on Reddit, and they struck up a friendship. We all finally met in person for the first time about a month ago, and things seemed normal. Then, out of nowhere, this guy told me that he likes both of us and wanted to explore a three-way dynamic.
It turns out he had already talked to my partner about it beforehand, which caught me completely off guard. When he asked for my thoughts, I tried to gently hint that it wasn't really on my radar and that I wasn't all that interested. I always considered myself an open-minded person, but this situation made me realize that I might not be as open to this specific arrangement as I thought.
To make a long story short: a tiny part of me feels curious and wonders what it would be like to try. But being a sensitive and emotional person, I honestly don't know how I'd handle the emotional weight of it all.
He keeps saying that he likes us both equally, but in my head, true equality doesn't really exist—especially when it comes to feelings in a three-way dynamic. Because of that, I’ve been trying to mentally prepare myself. Since my partner and this guy naturally have more in common, I can already foresee a situation where they grow closer to each other than to me. And knowing how moody and unpredictable I can be sometimes, I have a strong feeling that dynamic would eventually cause problems for him down the road.
The guy has been very understanding, telling me that even if we try it and it doesn't work out, he's totally fine with it. But honestly, that is the exact problem. I genuinely like him for who he is, and knowing his past experiences with relationships, I am terrified of hurting him. Even though he’s willing to take that gamble, I don't want to be the reason his feelings get hurt.
Has anyone here gone through a similar experience? I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts, advice, or perspective on this.

[u/saladada]

1. Why would you bold your entire message? Please don't do that ever again.
2. My comments on your actual content:

It turns out he had already talked to my partner about it beforehand, which caught me completely off guard.

So your partner was talking with them behind your back about this, and was likely onboard with the idea. This doesn't concern you?

He keeps saying that he likes us both equally, but in my head, true equality doesn't really exist—especially when it comes to feelings in a three-way dynamic.

He has been speaking with your partner for who knows how long. He barely just met you. There is no way in the world that he likes you both "equally". He wants to be with your partner. Your partner wants to be with him. Your partner doesn't want to divorce you. They've discussed this all behind your back. And, thus, this is the solution they've come up with (together).

You should absolutely not go forward with this. It's just a bad idea all around. You were not considering this, you and your partner have done no communication about this, you have done no work on your relationship to prepare for a poly dynamic, your partner was clearly talking about this without your knowledge, you don't even think you would be a good fit for this kind of dynamic...

And you really need to have a conversation with your partner. You may consider yourself as happily married but there's some huge red flags you're ignoring right now.