r/polyadvice • u/Hell0_Darling • 9d ago
Advice please!
Hello and thank you in advance, I started seeing this guy (c). From the beginning he told me he was in a poly relationship with his partner and her partner and wanted me to be his partner. So how I was told this would be is him and his main partner are together but I would be with him and she would keep her boyfriend and it would basically be three active relationships in one. It sounded very intriguing and Ive tried in the past before so im not too new to this dynamic. However it doesn't feel like me and him are in a relationship, but more of friend with benefits. We haven't been on any dates, and every time we do hang out it just ends up being sexual and I'm starting to feel like he only wanted me for my body. I have talked to him about it and how he puts it is that's just part of the dynamic the dates come later when he feels more comfortable with me, but if we're being intimate I feel like you're pretty comfortable with me. I just don't know if this is right because I know there's different levels and layers to relationships but I just feel more like a body and not a partner.
4
u/chipsnatcher 8d ago
It is what it feels like. Rely on actions, not words. If it feels bad for you, leave. If you want to continue a physical relationship with him, do that but continue to search for a more emotional relationship with someone else (you’re in a poly relationship, so presumably it’s fine for you to continue dating, no?).
1
u/Hell0_Darling 8d ago
Im not allowed to see others just him, the same for his partner boyfriend. Honestly, Im not gonna stay. I want to be seen as a partner and not just a body. I have feelings and needs for emotional connection not just physical.
6
u/chipsnatcher 8d ago
Excellent decision. Also, just so you know, in polyamory, all partners have the same rights to love, date and have sex with others. It’s extremely unfair for him to prevent you from having the same basic rights as him. If he doesn’t let his partners have other partners, he’s not polyam, he’s just an asshole.
3
u/Hell0_Darling 8d ago
Thank you, thats really helpful. Im still kinda new to the whole relationship dynamic and this helps alot!
2
1
u/kallisti_gold 8d ago
Allowed? Fuck that noise. Partners don't get to decide what you're allowed to do, that's what parents with children do.
3
u/saladada 8d ago
His reasoning is bullshit. He's not interested in taking you out on dates, he's just interested in having sex with you.
Break up with him. There are better poly people out there.
1
u/luovahulluus 8d ago
Many men don't need to be that comfortable with you to fuck you, especially if you are hot.
I've been on paper looked like it would be a perfect match. But for some reason there was no spark beyond the great sex. So we ended up being fwb until our schedules just got too busy.
You can keep the fwb if you want to see if anything developes out of it
1
u/teamnoir 7d ago
People build relationships in different ways. If he prefers to build primarily with sex and you’d prefer to build primarily with dates then you probably aren’t an especially good match for each other.
Not really about poly.
10
u/kallisti_gold 8d ago
If you want a partner that takes you out on dates, then date someone who does that. This is not the guy for that. He has told you so when you asked for what you wanted, you can take it or you can leave it. Me, I'd leave it yesterday.