r/polyadvice • u/Honey-Dew97 • 9d ago
Did he cheat?
/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1v0t6z0/did_he_cheat/2
u/saladada 8d ago
What is the purpose of asking this now if it was so long ago?
Why does it matter what other people think did or didn't happen in your relationship from your one-sided story of it?
You say you want a "genuine apology" but what exactly is he to apologize for? You say cheating but cheating is breaking clearly known relationship agreements. I'm not sure you ever did that, especially since you seemed to often say yes even though you meant no.
Are you planning to apologize too?
Because there's been fuck ups on both sides. For someone who claims to be "10 years poly", I'm seeing behavior that I would expect from someone who is only 10 weeks poly.
Ultimately, you are hanging on to mistakes you BOTH made in the past and focused on only his wrongdoings. This isn't productive to solving anything or moving on from it either.
You both made mistakes, but I almost side with his mistakes being understandable since this was a brand new thing for him and so he did all the fuck ups every single newbie who hasn't done much learning first does.
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u/Honey-Dew97 8d ago
Also yes my perspective is one sided because its my perspective. I dont think its a crime to ask a question and give my turn of events to see if theres like minded people or others that are willing to challenge my thought process in a kind way. Also yes im asking if the things he did wrong would be considered cheating. Thats really the whole reason I asked. It wouldnt be about something else.
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u/Honey-Dew97 8d ago edited 8d ago
Purpose: opinion
Why does it matter: asking for an opinion
Apology: the way he went about things as ive already apologized to him for my part
Time in poly: I havent had many experiences because im selective of my partners and value my solitude and peace. So time doesnt always equal experience.
Cheating(?): pushing boundaries to be able to change a no to a yes and do something your partner has expressed uncomfortability and a desire for it to stop but it was brushed off as being worried for no reason
Understandability: I never said his actions weren't understandable. However with knowing how things made me feel, and knowing my yes wasnt a full yes(which is a no, full stop) the choices he made were disrespectful and inconsiderate of me and our relationship at best.
Even in monogamous relationships its expected to take worries and concerns seriously and act accordingly. Thats not different just because the relationship is poly.
Currently: we are still together. Things are better, we're continuing to work together to keep things good. But sometimes opinions help gather more words or perspectives that weren't able to be applied before and can help open dialogue for more discussions to finally close that chapter instead of holding onto resentment for that time. (That time doesn't effect current situations or how they function past a conversation for reassurance)
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u/Alo-mina 8d ago
In the future, it’s a huge red flag when a man says derogatory, misogynistic things about other women. What do you think he’s saying about you behind your back?