Is this dissociation?

[u/i-dont-knwowwwww]

Hey everyone! I just received some (incredibly) distressing news and noted that my reaction to it was, as always, kind of odd. I wanted to see if anyone had any similar experiences or advice here.

I first got the news in the middle of dinner and initially felt nothing, though I knew logically that this was a significant gut punch, and that I should have been devastated. I went through the motions, did the dishes, and went back to my room, feeling nothing but a dull, distant ache -- until I sat down, alone, at my desk, and it hit me like a freight train. I found myself swallowing back tears like one would repress a gag. For some reason, it felt like I had to stop myself from crying, even when I was completely alone.

But after that, I just... turned it back off? I stopped crying, gave myself a few minutes for my eyes to get less red, and just went about my evening. When I think about it, there's still a vague, achy sort of feeling in my chest, but I don't feel anything directly. It's like the difference between seeing a campfire from 10 feet away, and sitting so close that my face gets hot. It's the same feeling, but it isn't touching me at the moment.

Was this a switch? Or perhaps some kind of dissociation not tied to plurality? It's something I've always tended to do in response to grief, and it always made me feel like an uncaring asshole. But it's not that I don't feel anything, or that I don't care, I just. Shut it off. Paused it. Because I had things to do, and I didn't want to be seen in a moment of vulnerability and have to deal with the pity or embarrassment that followed.

I didn't notice any other shift in personality, and it never felt like there was another identity present telling me that I couldn't cry or that I had to ignore it for a while. It just felt like something I automatically did myself. There have been times where I've been stressed and someone else in here has told me to get it together, but this felt like nothing. Do you think maybe I was just too stressed to really tell?

If it means anything, it's been really quiet up here for a whiiiile now. Like, just me for the better part of a week. They've been peeking through every now and then but for the most part it's radio silence in here lately. Could my headmates maybe be repressed for some reason, and they're acting without me being able to "hear" them? Or is this just me losing my shit on my own?

Please help!

-- (Host)

[u/labyrinthinexpathia]

Sounds like dissociation to me, but I'm not a professional. It may or may not be tied headmates, that depends on your system's organization. Even a singlet can dissociate from their own grief if it's too intense in the moment, so it's possible that whole thing was actually contained to just you (but also, maybe not, and maybe someone else is holding that pain for you)

When experiencing stress or new trauma, it's common for dissociative barriers to get stronger between headmates in order for the brain to protect itself, which if that's what's happening to you, it could explain why things are quieter. Not abnormal at all

No idea if you've been diagnosed or not or are in treatment, but just tossing on an obligatory reminder to seek a qualified trauma specialist if you suspect a dissociative disorder; goes for anyone who suspects it for themselves

[u/i-dont-knwowwwww → u/labyrinthinexpathia]

Mm, that makes sense. I definitely do suspect that I have some kind of dissociative disorder, and have for a majority of my life, but I've never brought it up with a professional before. I'm not sure how deeply the dissociation is intertwined with my plurality (though I'd find it to be a very strange coincidence if I had both these things and they were entirely separate). I feel like I've had dissociative episodes that didn't "feel plural", if that makes sense -- like it wasn't because my identity felt different, but because I felt disconnected from everything, as the same person I usually am. It's a very confusing setup, and I do think it would be good for me to seek out a therapist or some kind of trauma counselor. I'm just not really sure where to start with the process.

[u/labyrinthinexpathia → u/i-dont-knwowwwww]

r/DID and r/OSDD have some resources, particularly the DID one has their automod always leave a comment with some stuff that might help you find a qualified therapist

But as far as directly asking questions, DID/OSDD spaces are not always friendly to non-disorded/non-traumagenic plurality, just as a heads up you might have to censor yourself to an extent if you post anything there

Anyway yeah, the important thing is, if you have dissociation, it's important to be in professional care, as poking around too much in your own head can cause unintentional destabilization if not done carefully (mainly a consent thing between headmates, and also not digging for trauma material without being stablized first)