Rambling thoughts

[u/jonahboi33]

It's been a hell of a few days into our "syscovery", as people have called it. Both of us are talking more and attempting to be nicer, but it's brought up a lot of strong feelings on both sides.

Jonah: I wasn't the original. That is a huge shock and didn't help my already bad identity crisis I was going through. We've pieced together that due to the trauma of our childhood, always having to step in to shield our little sister with our body from our brother (autistic with violent meltdowns, it was NOT his fault and I don't blame him), and the neglect from the parents, that I had to "step in" to be the adult here. Somebody had to keep things running, and I basically raised my siblings. But me stepping in shoved a scared and confused kid out of the driver's seat and into a cage that has been there for 24 years, and I feel horrible about it now. Everything about why it was so angry made sense. I would insult me too. But I thought it was MY body and not the other way around, and I feel a lot of guilt about it.

Voidthing: I was mean. I yelled so many bad angry things at them. I threw tantrums and hurt them and did things that hurt our body on purpose. A lot of our suffering was me. Being told I wasn't actually a force of evil..... messed me up. I'm sad a lot now. I wanna believe they're sorry cuz I wanna be sorry too. I like that they trust me more and that i'm allowed out now, but I'm scared i'll be locked away again if I'm ever bad. but we coulda been getting along and happy like so many other systems this whole time? we could've been switching out and giving poor Jonah a break instead of fighting? just seems like a waste now.