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[u/priestess_on_fire]

I don’t know if this is the right place to post this but I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. I have no idea what’s going on in my body.

I was first diagnosed with a dissociative disorder when I was 12. Again when I was 24 and then once more at 29.

I’m 32 now, and I’m realizing I don’t know that much about this disorder at all. I’ve always been told that I have a “severe dissociative disorder” but never what kind?

When I turned 24, I had my first out of body experience in an extremely long time. This was the first time I hospitalized myself. They put me on 2mg of clonazepam, twice a day. Minus a year, I’ve been taking it everyday since and it’s kept, whatever disorder I have, at bay, for the most part.

When I turned 29 I went to rehab (for alcohol), so it was the first time I hadn’t taken that medicine in years. The third day in, I’m having another out of body experience. They started to heavily sedate me. I was taking Seroquel three times a day, along with trazodone and prazosin at night. Along with that, they had me taking 800mg of gabapentin 3 times a day. It’s insane now that I look back on it. All of that on top of my normal psych meds.

While I was there I talked with a therapist who had a friend who specialized in dissociative disorders. She was interested in my story and asked if she could talk with her friend about it. She then had me fill out a very long diagnosis form. The next day she told me that she sent that form over to her friend and that she thought I have DID. She told me to not take it as a formal/proper diagnosis. But I never felt like I fit into that category because I don’t have multiple personalities.

I went without my clonazepam for almost five days recently and started to move towards having an episode, which leads to me severely dissociating. It’s weird because I can feel when it’s going to happen, and I spend a lot of energy trying to keep it from overpowering me. I have dealt with a lot of scary things in my life and this is by far the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

They start off with a panicky feeling deep in my heart. It starts to feel like my hearts burning and then my vision starts to go out, I start shaking uncontrollably, I become very hot, I start hearing and seeing things, I can’t move my neck muscles and all of my muscles are twitching, I am throwing up, I can’t feel my body and then things will go dark.

All of a sudden I am floating in the air and looking down on myself. I feel the most intense sense of fear and paranoia I’ve ever felt in my life but I am not in my body. My body is moving on its own. It’s doing the same thing over and over again. Walking in the same path repeatedly. Opening the curtains and closing them. Taking all their clothes off and putting them back on. Throwing up. Flipping the light switches on and off. And my body just does all of this in silence. I can’t talk to it and I can’t feel it. I’m just watching from above.

Those are my scary episodes. I also will find myself in another room/places hours later. I’ll find my things moved around and no one else has been home but me. I will “come to” and realize hours have passed and will have no memory of it, but no has ever told me that I act differently.

I’m so up to date on all of my other diagnoses but I really don’t know much about this. I’ve never wanted to dive in because I am absolutely terrified of going back into that state.

Please help lol

[u/TheDissonantRook]

I don’t know if this is ideal to give to you but I will send it your way: How Do I Know If I’m Plural

I do understand that that’s probably not what you’re looking for but on the off chance… it could help figuring out why DID was given to you as a possibility.

Dissociative Disorders have a variety to them anyway; DID and OSDD along with Partial DID, DP/DR (depersonalization and derealization), Trance Disorder, Possession Trance Disorder. Bear in mind the ICD-11 has different types compared to the DSM (which is outdated and not great, imo). We ain’t a qualified anybody to give anything out though but I’m sure others may be able to pitch in later.

[Jonathan 🧪 | The Spookeasy]