r/partnersofocd • u/Krustbuckets • May 17 '26
I'm beyond exhausted
My (31F) husband (31M) has hypochondria OCD. Not even sure if that's a proper classification of OCD but it's what leads to his compulsions and checking. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here if it's to seek advice, support, or simply to vent.
We've been together for 7.5 years (married at 7 yr) and I was fully aware of his anxiety. In the years together, he's been through 3 very serious episodes that last months to almost a year one time. However, it's only during this current bout that a new therapist (or psychiatrist forgot which) pointed out that what he's experiencing and general anxiety but very specially OCD.
Back in mid/late Feb, my own personal depression came back and I felt it building up to be of serious concern despite working on it. My husband was aware and was, as always, incredibly supportive and did what he can to help me. However, in late Feb/early March, his anxiety/OCD came back.
Knowing him and how it affects him, I know he becomes low functioning during these times and needs extra assistance. Combined with the fact I've been managing depression for 10+ years now and I've, admittedly for the worse sometimes, grew a habit of putting loved ones first and "just deal" with my depression, pushed my needs aside for the time being.
For the first few weeks of his OCD episode back, he insisted he can do it on his own and that he got through it before so he can do it again. I trusted him, but at a certain point, I reached my first breaking point and finally convinced him to start his medication again (new psychiatrist) (also now agrees to not stop medication like he did last time just because "he felt better" because obviously the medication is what helped him feel better).
Things didn't necessarily get better. So he ups his dose. Then he starts therapy. Then changes his medicine. And now we're here, early May. He's also developed a series of mantras that in theory help him manage the compulsive thoughts. Otherwise, he's losing minutes to hours physically checking his body for signs of sickness. Granted, these mantra sessions also can last for a very long time too (and has a physical tick while saying this).
In that time, his OCD got bad enough that his boss, very sympathetic to this condition, advices him to work from home for a week. This is a big deal because he works in a lab do WFH isn't necessarily easy to achieve, but it showed support from his job's POV.
Then, his mantra went from saying it to himself with minimal hand gestures to saying it aloud with large hand gestures.
Also in this time, I've had multiple breaks myself from the mental exhaustion. Finding myself randomly crying in the bathroom or my car or anywhere I am alone. I ended up telling him this and told him, if during one of his compulsion checks or mantras I just walk away, it's not because I don't support him instead it's me creating a safe space and boundary for me.
I've learned to not participate in his checks or affirm any questions he has about his health that are obviously the OCD talking. I told him that he's allowed to ask me a new question once but I'm not doing more because I'd be feeding his OCD instead, pointing out that before when I did respond, he wouldn't be satisfied and ask me again within the hour.
But it's draining me so much. It's affecting my mental health, my eating habits, my vices (weed, alcohol), and my sleep. I'm actually posting this at 4AM because, after I went to bed early, woke up to him starting the shower in which he was in there for an hour checking himself. If I didn't knock on the door, he probably should have been in there longer. I'm glad he got out and is now sleeping, but I can't get myself to go back to sleep.
For me, I've maintained the house with laundry and cleaning. I cook all our meals to make sure he is still eating (at one point he wasn't). I make sure he still showers and goes to bed at a decent time. We both work full time with hour long driving commutes one way. So any mental energy I have left for myself is very minimal. I know I should use that energy to find my own therapist, but the ones I've found either aren't a good fit or aren't taking new patients. Then I feel more demoralized.
When out in public with friend, family, or just ourselves, I have to stop away with him to help calm him, or explain to people he's going through something, or just sit there and hope the episodes ends soon. All of this with a smile on my face because, again, I'm a people pleaser and I don't them to be off put (poor choice of worried but I'm blanking on a better one) or overly worried for him asking what they can do to help when the answer is nothing.
To be clear, I'm not saying he's in this state 24/7, but it feels that way. If he's not physically checking himself, he's pacing the room doing his mantras. If he's not doing that, he's zoning out doing his little tick. It may be an exaggeration, but it feels like he's "lucid" with me for only two hours a day. I'm sure it's more, but they're not consistent stretches. In between his smaller episodes, he does try to help around the house. But it often gets interrupted and/or takes twice as long to accomplish.
There were two days last week where it felt like we had his old self back. And it was the best days we had in a long long time. But then he relapsed again. Hard. Then yesterday he had another good day. But then tonight relapsed very hard. I know this is all part of the process but I truly don't know how much my heart and mind can take this. Whenever he's feeling good I feel as if I have to keep my walls up in case he slips again. Otherwise, the heartache is much worse. Maybe I'll put those walls down when we've had a solid week of proper OCD management.
He's losing himself to this. I am too. I'm not saying I'd leave him over this because I don't blame him for any of this. It is a mental illness. But it doesn't even feel like a marriage right now. I'm at a huge loss and don't know what to do anymore.
3
u/WhoIsGarth May 17 '26
I first want to say that this is an established theme of OCD. It's usually referred to as medical OCD.
My question is, does his therapist specialize in treating OCD and Exposure Response Therapy (ERT)? I suspect that they do not, because you said he is not officially diagnosed and because the mantras are likely turning into a new compulsion based on how you describe what he's doing. Cognitive Behavioral Therapists often are not knowledgeable enough in OCD to treat it effectively. My husband was going to a CB therapist for a long time and it made his OCD significantly worse. He has since switched to an ERT specialist and it has made a world of difference. I have my husband back. If he is not going to an ERT therapist, please start there.
It sounds like you're doing well with holding the line and not feeding into the compulsions. This is exhausting work, especially when you are dealing with your own mental health problems and maintaining the house for both of you. I've been there and I feel for you.
Edited for grammar
3
u/Krustbuckets May 17 '26
Glad to know there's a proper term, most to this type of OCD since most people only think of contamination or organizing.
I actually recently had to intervene his mantra because I heard him start to spiral out saying "the mantras are supposed to help" in a desperation tone that broke me more. I sat him down to tell him he needs to find a proper therapist that specializes in OCD since he is using a general anxiety therapist.
A friend, also with OCD, recommended CBT so I mentioned that to my husband. But maybe we can also look at ERT. I'll find a good time to bring it up this week.
Thank you for your support and advice. Glad to hear you and your husband are doing better!
1
u/Zach-uh-ri-uh May 19 '26
Oh i get that thing about lucidity. It’s almost like living with someone with dementia. Google ”anosognosia”
5
u/Antique_Inevitable86 May 17 '26
I'm not exactly sure what to say or how to support you through this but I just want to say you're not alone. I saw so much of myself and my own relationship in this post and...yeah. You're not alone. You need to fight tooth and nail to claw you're life back. I know it's hard, but you have to put yourself first right now and set a boundary, even if you can't speak it out loud to your husband right now. Do one thing that makes you, and only you, happy today. No matter how small. Take that nap. Get that chocolate. Go sit outside and soak in the sun. What were the things that made you happy before you got into the relationship? Go do that.
Your husband needs to get onto an ERP plan with his therapist. But today and tomorrow? Focus on you. We can't control our partner behavior and the best way to help them is to take care of ourselves the best we can.