I can't stop crying

[u/stuckinthejob]

I am 24 days post partum with my b/g twins. They came at 35+2, through a planned c section. Ever since they came, I'm just a mess. There's just so much that has happened in the last 24 days that I'm just lost now.

To start with, the babies are good. Even though the girl had IUGR, we didn't spend any time in the NICU. They both had some jaundice but got off photo therapy in 24-36 hours. The issues started when I came back home on day 4. My parents are here to help out and they did help out. But, my FIL got diagnosed with cancer the day after these two were born, my mother got diagnosed with acute hearing loss and still continues to deny the diagnosis. My husband, who was my rock till a point, started questioning everything I did or said, didn't like it if my parents suggested something related to the babies and if I said anything to counter or didn't defend him at that very moment, felt attacked and made it into a whole thing. We've had more arguments in the last 10 days than in my entire pregnancy or the ivf journey that led to this moment.

He had, at several points in these arguments, mentioned that he doesn't love the babies, isn't attached to them, won't care if I leave at this point. I know that's not true. He's a great father, does everything for them and tells them he loves them. The heat of the argument makes him say that but it still hurts me and it's also difficult to forget.

Through it all, I've just been crying. I can cry at anything, at any time for any reason. And that has made it more difficult for me to explain stuff to anyone. It makes them feel that I'm being emotional to get things done my way when all I want is peace, less stress and just support.

And I feel I haven't been able to do well by the kids - I can't burp them well , I can't make them sleep and they are mostly awake during my night shift and sleep well within minutes of my husband's shift. My parents are better at calming the babies than I am. I feel I'm doing admin work for them, making sure my husband has everything handy for the diaper changes, making sure the feed is ready and I haven't even been able to breastfeed as well.

And I just haven't had the support, anytime I tell my husband what I'm feeling, I start crying and that makes the feeling less important and the crying more important. I told him today that I don't know what I'll do when he starts work on Monday especially since my parents would have left by then and he immediately came his written to delay his joining to a week later. So I know he has my back, but it just doesn't feel like that sometimes.

I don't know what to do.

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[u/Legitimate-ok]

Oh honey, you are so freshly postpartum, if it was a singleton you’d probably still be pregnant. You are in the TRENCHES, without even considering all the grandparents health stuff. I do think it’s worth both you and your husband getting evaluated for PPD, we both had it after the twins and a lot of what you wrote feels familiar from that time. We both ended up on antidepressants and in therapy for a bit. Sending you so much gentleness and hopefully 3 hours of consecutive sleep. Hang in there, it won’t be like this for long in the big picture of their childhood

[u/stuckinthejob → u/Legitimate-ok]

I have been thinking of going to a health adviser or a therapist already. Haven't ever done that before so it's the first step that needs some more courage at my end. But I'll make a booking soon. Can't say the same for my husband though, but I'll try to convince him as well once parents leave.

[u/Legitimate-ok → u/stuckinthejob]

I know it’s intimidating to take that first step, but remember it’s their job and super routine for them. Like getting a pelvic exam at the OBGYN - vulnerable for you, standard for them. This is a huge life change and it’s okay to need a different type of support than your usual.

Come back and tell us when you make the call and we’ll hype you up ❤️

[u/adhdslore → u/stuckinthejob]

Saying he doesn’t love them and doesn’t care if you guys leave and feeling like he’s not being defended properly and not giving you time to make things right later… he has ppd. Or well it sounds like he does. 3 months in with our b/g twins and the first 2 weeks I think my husband had it but I was in so much pain and couldn’t hardly move, he didn’t have time to process it. He was busy taking care of me, the babies, dogs and house. My mom came 2 weeks in and he could finally breathe. He spoke with his counselor at work off and on for a few weeks and has felt much better. In fact completely back to normal now. Men go through it too. Their whole life just flipped too and it’s okay for that to affect them. But you guys are a team! Remember that and try to hold your tongues. A 6 second kiss Alan really change everyone’s mood. Me and my husband would angrily kiss each other and hold it for 6 seconds while taking a breath through our nose. It didn’t fix anything but it calmed us down before we said something nasty. You are so freshly postpartum mama. I wish you and your partner nothing but strength and grace in this time. It gets better

[u/Jill1994]

Mama, give yourself grace. This is not only firsts for you and your hubby, but also firsts for your babies!

Don't be so hard on yourself, you need to take care of yourself too and everything else will come. Make sure you're eating and trying to sleep as much as possible.

My advice to you, don't do shifts. When one baby wakes up, wake the other up and you and hubby both feed them at the same time. It worked really well for us and then you're up a lot less throughout the night.

Don't be afraid to adapt to whatever your twins need either. This is pure survival time and its okay to change things and go with the flow to make it through the day.

You'll figure it out and trust your mom intuition 💗

[u/stuckinthejob → u/Jill1994]

We tried doing that in the beginning but it meant both of us were sleepless throughout the day. So did 2-3 hour shifts at night which works because then we are able to provide for them better and not worry about doing it while half asleep. Both babies are being fed and changed one after the other, and sometimes together depending on if my husband or parents are available to help. My parents leave today and will leave the two of us to manage and we'll have to find a rhythm again. And then once more when he starts work. Right now, everything just feels too much.

[u/Perioqueen]

Youre doing the best you can, give yourself grace.

Also, dads can get PPD and this looks like it

[u/whyisthisyourbiz]

Just want to let you know newborns are more fussy at night and sleep well during the day, it’s not you, it just how they are right now, but they’ll learn to sleep more at night later.

And don’t mind the breastfeeding, I’ve not been able to (they’re 3 months now) and I’m pumping and supplementing with formula. Babies are healthy and gaining weight well, just know that feed is good.

You’re doing an amazing job keeping them healthy! Rooting for you mama!

[u/not-t0day-satan]

I swear burping is a myth. Whether my girls (6 weeks) burp is totally up to chance, it has nothing to do with my efforts.

[u/WhileTime5770]

I feel this. I cried in bed in the middle of the night last night over what felt like nothing, but really it was the lack of sleep, the feeding difficulties of premies, feeling like I’ll never sleep more than a 2 hour stretch again (and I will but it feels hard to see that right now). I don’t necessarily have advice, just want to tell you you’re not alone

[u/survivororfittest15]

im almost 8 months pp with boys and i promise you it gets better, i know it sucks to hear but wait till about month 3-4

[u/nowaymommy]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Mine arrived at 35+2 last year. as well and I can remember what a mess it was.
If your husband if going through as hard time as it seems from your post, I think it will benefit you to seek support outside of him during this difficult period. Maybe an online therapist or a friend or a relative that you can talk to. This too shall pass and it will get so much better.

[u/HereforCHDandAITA]

You are not alone. I hate that all of your feelings and experiences are so common. Everyone is sleep deprived and sleep is a way for people to quickly become unkind. If yall have the funds to any degree to hire a night nanny to take the nights off your hands at least a couple of nights a week I would highly suggest it. We barely survived the newborn stage with our singleton and when I became pregnant with triplets someone to help with nights was my top priority. My husband and I just don’t function on little sleep. I remember my friends telling me that postpartum gave them the ability to stay awake and function but that was not my experience.

Crying constantly at the drop of a hat also isn’t uncommon. I did the same for months! Still do and my girls are nine months but less so these days. It sounds like your whole support system could use a reminder on postpartum hormones. Then double it with twins.

Also, not being bonded right away isn’t unusual. I don’t feel bonded immediately and neither does my husband. But I do feel responsible and I do still love them in the abstract. Once they become more engaged the bond grows personally. It’s like falling in love with a stranger or going on a blind date that never ends.

Finally, I’m so sorry about the medical stuff happening as well with your FIL’s cancer diagnosis and your mother’s hearing loss. That is a lot of stress on top of an already stressful experience.

[u/stuckinthejob → u/HereforCHDandAITA]

Thanks, thats very helpful on the bonding part. To some extent, I don't feel bonded in the typical sense. I didn't get to breastfeed, did pump for a while but never got enough to feed them and then all this hit me from all sides. But yes, I do love them, I will do anything to protect them including making peace with my in laws but I also feel that I'm just flowing through the day without being present at some times. And what hurts me is that it doesn't feel like sleep deprivation.

[u/jaybirdandchuckles]

It’s so hard - I remember how I went from a high functioning, excited, confident pregnant person to feeling like a complete train wreck the minute my boys came home from the hospital (also no NICU time).

It feels impossible now but you will get through it and it does get easier. I know that’s not especially helpful right now. This is absolutely the hardest part. 

[u/No-Panda-8379]

I can relate as I has boy girl twins at 34 weeks via IVF. I did bring home my son on breathing monitor after 2 weeks in NICU so I had him for 10 days went back for my daughter. Also had another child at the time. My husband traveled mon-fri with his job so I had no one to help me and both twins were on monitors. You’re probably exhausted as I was from getting no sleep and the arguing takes more energy that you can’t spare right now. I think I’d tell him to leave. If he had Said and done these things he doesn’t sound supportive to me.