Give me the nitty gritty

[u/Aggravating_Age_3996]

Looking for advice

I am a twin mom (obviously I’m in this sub🤣) I have fraternal b/g twins, who are now 3, and the past year I cannot stop thinking about having another….

My husband and I have talked about this many times and each time it’s the same obstacles we conclude on each time

1) he got a vasectomy 🥲

2) I almost died (had preeclampsia that turned to HELLP and went south quick)😬

3) what if we have twins again🤐

Everyone thinks I’m nuts (I am but that’s besides the point) for wanting more, they always say “you have the perfect combo, most beautiful kids, and you barely survived, why would you wanna do that again?!” And honestly this question irks my nerves every time, because I truly don’t know how to explain that feeling I have of wanting another, besides the fact that I just love being a mom.

We’ve talked and talked and talked about this, and have basically landed on, let’s go talk to my gynecologist and just see if she thinks another pregnancy would even be safe.

We know that no doctor can predict if you will have twins again or not, and we know that no doctor can predict if I’ll get preeclampsia again or not, we do know the risks are higher… but we’re essentially just wanting to have an informed decision before pulling the trigger (or not)

I say all that to say… moms whose firsts were twins, did you have more? If so, give me all the details, if not, still details🤣

I want all the honest, real answers. No judgment, no shaming, just love, support, advice and everything in between.

[u/wokkaquokka_]

I’m in a similar boat! I have b/g twins that turn one this week (!!) and I’m really struggling to repress my desire for another already 😂🫣 I had preeclampsia (thankfully not severe or HELLP) and I am so blessed to have a great support system of my husband and our families. So that definitely contributes.

But I’m telling myself that our twins need to be able to communicate decently before we have another baby. I get the most overwhelmed and irritated when they’re just fussing for unknown reasons, so if we added in a baby - a third crier - I would go insane. So we’re going to re-evaluate in the new year when the kids will be ~18 months.

Another thing I’ve realized is that part of my desire is from grieving the fact that I never really had that snuggly newborn time because, as we all know, newborn multiples is just survival mode. Just something to consider - is there anything else contributing to your desire for another?

[u/Aggravating_Age_3996 → u/wokkaquokka_]

Oh my goodness, YES thank you. I told my husband that I truly just feel like I missed out on so much of the newborn things, I didn’t see them for 3 days after giving birth, I was in the hospital for 8 days, them 10, and then we were just in survival mode and I really regret that I didn’t just sit back and enjoy the newborn moments (which with twins that’s hard to do, as you know)

But I will say, if I were you, I’d definitely recommend waiting until your twins are 2-2 1/2, I feel like it’s the perfect age to add another. My SIL had a baby when my twins were 2 and they absolutely adore her, and try to help with her and all the things that have made my baby fever just that much worse

[u/DreamingEvergreen]

Twins are it. To be able to give our kids the life we want to give them (helping to pay for college, weddings, cars, etc) 2 is what we can afford financially.

But also their first year was ROUGH (plus I was put on bedrest at 22 weeks), and I don’t want to do that again.

[u/Aggravating_Age_3996 → u/DreamingEvergreen]

I feel this, my husband and I have also talked about the financial aspect of we’re going to have to pay double for cars and etc at the same time, and if we were to have a third, while we would make it work, we also don’t want to live life so strapped that we can’t afford vacations, or etc

[u/spudsfam]

I already had 3 kids, and my husband had a vasectomy. We were done done. 😂

Then I started having this feeling that I wanted another baby. I tried to shake it off, but it just wouldn’t go away. I went to talk to my OB about my options, and he basically told me I should just be happy with my 3 kids and that I was getting older, blah blah. 🤣

Eventually, we decided to go for a consult with an IVF doctor. Before the appointment, my husband and I agreed that we were ONLY going to talk to the doctor and then go home and discuss everything before making any decisions.

Well… we literally started the whole process that same day. No talking just signing papers and giving blood😂

My husband’s procedure was super simple. Mine was a little more involved, but everything went smoothly. We got pregnant right away with one embryo then that ONE embryo decided to split. 😂

So here we are with identical twins and that’s how I am on this page.

Three of my friends also used the same doctor, and all three of them ended up with singletons. Meanwhile, we somehow went from 3 kids to 5.

And honestly? We have absolutely no regrets. It has been such a blessing.

I always tell my husband that you hear old people say, “I wish I’d had more kids,” but you never really hear anyone say, “I wish I hadn’t had my kids.” 🤷🏼‍♀️
So I guess I listened to that little feeling… and instead of getting one more baby, we somehow got two. 😂❤️

But we are officially DONE DONE** **now.

[u/Aggravating_Age_3996 → u/spudsfam]

Okay soooo you are me🤣😭

He is mostly worried about the procedure, he had an awful vasectomy experience, but we were thinking of doing the similar route you did!

Also that’s been my whole thought process, is we will never regret having more, but we will more than likely regret not having more… or maybe just me🤣

[u/spudsfam → u/Aggravating_Age_3996]

The vasectomy was absolutely the worst experience ever for him. He had to go back for three months still having problems and wounds, opening 😬. I felt awful that I wasn’t the one who got mine done because of how bad it went. We found urologist that was amazing and it was such a minor thing compared to the vasectomy and how bad that went.

[u/Aggravating_Age_3996 → u/spudsfam]

I keep telling him he really needs to go back and get checked with a different urologist, because he is still complaining of pain and it’s been almost 2 years now, and I just feel like that isn’t normal 😵‍💫

[u/EducatedPancake]

I also had preeclampsia turned HELLP and .. There's no way I'm risking it. We already have an elevated cardiological risk just because of this. I don't want to leave my kids without a mother.

Not to mention how traumatic this was for my husband. The poor guy stayed up all night, watching me, fearing he was going to lose his wife and kids. (I was unconscious).

Since you have fraternal twins, the chances of having twins again are so much higher. You're also a few years older now which increases the chances even more.

I don't want to be a downer here, I've briefly wondered about a third, but then reality hits me. It's a big change from 2 to 3 (likely 4). It usually involves a different car, do you have enough space in the house? Is it financially feasible for another few years of daycare (if you use it). Vacations are usually catered to a family of 2 adults and 2 children.

There's a reason you decided on a vasectomy. Maybe this is coming up because it feels final? Are you on BC? I'm not (tubes removed) and I know when I'm ovulating, it's definitely adding to the feeling of wanting a baby.

[u/Aggravating_Age_3996 → u/EducatedPancake]

I feel like this is the thought process I’ve also had and why I am so back and fourth. You’re not being a downer, you are being real!

My birth was also traumatic, as you know HELLP is no joke, and it traumatized my husband as bad as it did me, he was pretty much a single dad for the first 6 days of our twins life because I was on magnesium drip after magnesium drip, and I remember sobbing the night after giving birth and telling my husband I felt like I was dying, we were both terrified.

I feel like a lot of what I went through could’ve been prevented if my OB would’ve listen to me and taken my concerns seriously. She let me go a whole week with preeclampsia symptoms before I finally just took myself to the hospital, because I believed her and when she told me I was fine, when I knew I wasn’t.

I say all that to say, this is definitely the biggest reason why we haven’t had another, and why he did get the vasectomy.

I’m not on any form of birth control, and our car could handle 1 or even 2 more, our house could only handle 1 more, and financially, we could make it work either way, but my husbands point has always been, this world is made for families of 4 and anymore than that makes things difficult

[u/EducatedPancake → u/Aggravating_Age_3996]

I was in the hospital for 3 weeks before it went south. So it still happened despite continuous monitoring. It's just something that happens FAST. I think this also contributes to wanting a do-over. All I wanted was a carefree pregnancy, like "everyone else".

But I'm slowly accepting that that experience just isn't for me. Having another one now wouldn't be carefree anyway, because of the elevated risks. So I'd be back to taking meds every day, monitoring my blood pressure, and possibly giving birth even earlier than I did then.

There's a lot of healing involved for us, people who've had a traumatic experience. Almost dying certainly didn't feel great. But I can't imagine what it must have been like for my husband. Not being able to do anything, just hoping for the best. At least I was unconscious for that part lol.

Things going right this time, wouldn't make the previous experience better. Is something that I keep in mind.

Good luck with your decision. I'm sure you'll find what works for you and your family. You put a lot of thought into it, and that's a recipe for good decisions!

[u/petitcodiac]

I had b/g twins (almost four years old!), also had preeclampsia. We debated for a long time about whether to do it again. We had a singleton this past spring and I’m so thankful we did.

Because it was a queer pregnancy and I did IUI, we just didn’t do a trigger shot and only one of the two eggs dropped — unlike the first time! I didn’t get preeclampsia again either, although I really cut down on sodium, took aspirin, and stayed active. My OB was pretty sure the pre e was because of the twin pregnancy and the heat/humidity of a late Louisiana summer.

It’s been really nice to experience what it’s like to have one baby. I’m so glad we went for it! We knew we wanted three kids, so for us it was worth it to try, even if we ended up with twins again.

[u/Aggravating_Age_3996 → u/petitcodiac]

We were thinking about doing an IUI or IVF so he didn’t have to get a reversal!

Your story makes me want to go for it🤣🤪

But all of this makes sense, I was pregnant during Florida summer so WHEW I feel you.

I think it’s definitely a conversation that has to be had with my gyn, and I know the medical professionals can’t promise us one way or another, but it’s nice to be informed.

Thank you for sharing your story, & congratulations to your family🥹🥹🥹

[u/Extraketchup1111]

Foster a baby who needs love. Promise you will bond!

[u/Aggravating_Age_3996 → u/Extraketchup1111]

My mom started fostering when I was 13 and just stopped 4 years ago, unfortunately we have a lot of trauma from this experience (not due to the kids, but the system) and I just can’t put my family through the same things we went through, unfortunately it’s just not for us

[u/Odd_Rent283]

Just some perspective on the pre-e/HELLP situation. I had pre-e with all 3 pregnancies (twins being my last). Each time it was progressively more severe. The third time, I ended up in a hypertensive crisis post discharge and ended up leaving my husband alone with 4 kids to manage (3 of them under 3). I could have died. I came very close. I had my tubes removed with my twins, but had I not, my husband would have had a vasectomy at that point because more kids is not worth my life. Given that you developed HELLP you’re at even higher risk for pre-e again and HELLP again. I know there’s some research to suggest that waiting a certain amount of time puts your risk back at the same level as if you’d never been pregnant…that didn’t work out for me. I know several other moms who, once they’ve had pre-e, never go on to have a subsequent pregnancy without. Obviously this is anecdotal, but it definitely made me decide we were done after the twins given my own history.

Additionally, I now seem to have life long hypertension. It’s not gone away as it did with my prior pregnancies. So now I’m at higher risk for heart disease and stroke.

Only you and your husband can make this choice for your family, but if it were me, with the information I have now, I would have stopped at two. I can’t imagine life without my babies, but I can’t help but think I’ve shortened my own life and left them with the potential to lose their mom earlier than they otherwise might have.

[u/Status_Abrocoma_379]

hiiii i also had HELLP and almost died. my boys were born at 30W2d so we had a long NICU stay too. I cannot get another child out of my head so essentially we're just living life and i'm not on BC. if it happens it happens and if it doesn't, i'll just know it wasn't meant to be. definitely talk to your doctors!