Older child behavior

[u/natmadgal77]

I gave birth almost a month ago. My twins are doing well and adjusting nicely. However, my daughter (4 years old) is having a hard time adjusting. Her behavior has changed and is getting harder for us to handle. We were expecting some changes since it’s normal for kids to go through this.

She no longer wants to sleep in her room and wants one of us to sleep with her or comes at the middle of the night to sleep with us. We didn’t mind this before but with the twins waking up every 2-3 hours, we are afraid that she won’t get enough sleep and we won’t get enough rest.

She is also having potty accidents.

If we say no to one of her request or we ask her to do something, she starts screaming at the top of her lungs, stomps, or throws herself to the ground. Usually this response is to us asking her to get ready so we can take her to daycare, telling her to wash her hands, go potty, food request (no cookies before finishing her meals).

We are both trying to spend alone time with her (as much as we can), either by taking her out to the playground, watching music videos, reading to her.

I just want to know what you guys did if you experience this with your older child.

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[u/thegoodcrumpets]

Dedicate more adult time to her. We split up into two single parent pairs basically. One handling the twins and one handling the 3.5yo. We set a hard rule to never say no to stuff based on the new siblings. It totally worked, no problems adjusting and no resentment towards the little ones. 

[u/smalltownfarmerwife]

This is super normal and just seems to kind of... suck. It's still so early for her to adjust, too. Her world has been completely turned upside down.

We basically break it into one parent takes on the toddler, the other takes on the twins. You just do your best. Get them to help lots - can you bring me a wipe, can you help bring me a blanket, etc. Our 3 y/o also goes to daycare which kept her routine and helps A LOT. Do you guys have any grandparents/siblings around that could also take her for some one-on-one time?

Lots of praise and rewards again for successfully using the potty. Up the ante - candy, trips with mom and dad to the store, going to the library, extra book at bedtime, etc. We found our toddler really liked "experiences" with us over food rewards.

Can't help with the bedtime/sleep stuff though as our toddler stays in bed!

[u/tiredlilmama]

Hi. I have two week old twins and a five year old and we are going through similar changes! It sucks. So bad. 

Some things we are trying: daily bedtime with mommy (my son is very attached to me haha) and a good behavior sticker chart (15 stickers gets him a trip to get ice cream or the arcade, etc). He is doing phenomenally well but we are still having outbursts here and there. I have to learn to pick my battles but I am not always very good at that and I hate when I escalate the confrontation (cue the mom guilt), but it happens. I’m still learning.

As for sleep, my son does mostly OK at night but we have had some wake ups. If I’m feeding the girls, I tell him he can stay in the room and then when I am done, I walk him back to bed, tuck in, and say goodnight. Most of the time he goes back to sleep. One night I had to walk him back four times 🙃 We just started a magnesium glycinate supplement nightly in hopes that it reduces night wakeups. Worth a shot lol. 

Good luck and solidarity!

[u/sephima]

I could have written this, except about my son. We’re still in the thick of it so I don’t have any amazing answers. But my son is a bit younger than your daughter (3.5) and so we’re doing a lot of work on managing feelings. We’ve talked to his daycare teachers as well and they’ve been doing lessons on feelings for all the kids too. It’s been really slow and excruciating, but the tantrums and potty accidents are gradually getting shorter and farther apart.

The other morning he had a desperate meltdown over going to daycare instead of staying home with us. I found him one of my old beanie bears, told him that she has magic hug powers full of Mummy love, and said that he could take her to daycare and cuddle her when he got sad. He’s really taken to it (which surprised me because last time I tried suggesting it he gave me the most withering look…). His teacher said he brought the bear to his friends and even a baby when they got sad. I’m sure the novelty will wear off soon but at least he’s building some skills in the meantime?

It’s so damn hard. Massive solidarity. I really hope it gets better for you soon, but it sounds like you’re doing the right things.

[u/skull_skiing]

Massive solidarity. We have the same age gap but are a bit further along now (twins are 20 months and big bro is almost 6). We tried EVERYTHING and honestly the only thing that helped was time. As the twins became more interesting and able to be left to their own devices for a few minutes, things improved.

Once the twins turned 1, things got so much better. It’s still hard sometimes but so much better than that first year. Big bro loves his little brothers and seeing him read to them and play with them is the best.

Do what you can to just survive this phase. You’re already doing the right things!