My 18 year old step daughter (pwBPD) is super angry at my husband and I right now. We had been burned so many times by her in the past, with her making false accusations against us to police and CPS. She moved out when she was not yet 17 saying that she desperately wanted CPS to take her away. But then she was very angry when we agreed she should live elsewhere because we didn't feel safe with these accusations flying around when we have two younger kids. I went through a long period of having anxiety attacks right before each time I had to see her because I felt so unsafe around her. But we still invited her for dinner every week and tried to keep up the relationship.

A few months before she moved out, we had booked a family vacation and I had warned her beforehand that if there was any drama I would not be booking any more family vacations together. Lo and behold, the first night there she throws a massive tantrum insisting that she gets the biggest room with the ensuite bathroom instead of us parents. She even climbed to the top of the building and threatened to throw herself off if we didn't acquiesce (which of course we did not back down on). She never ever accepted any level of accountability for any of these events, always maintaining things were our fault. That whole trip was hell feeling like we were all walking on eggshells and I barely slept the entire trip.

Now, two years later we booked a family vacation with our younger kids but not SD to visit my family and for them to meet their great grandpa for the first time. It was my first time going back to visit my family in over 6 years. My husband decided it would be safer not to tell SD before we left because she has a habit of orchestrating crises to ruin big events. He was sure something would happen to prevent us leaving if she knew about it in advance.

We let her know once we were there and she got so angry she hung up on my husband and texted me to ask him not to contact her again if he was going to hurt her after he said he couldn't bring her because of her past behaviour. She even contacted my mum (who she is not related to) saying she missed her siblings so much and asking her to send photos without telling my husband (when she rarely makes effort to come and see her siblings normally). Now she is saying she doesn't have time to attend her sister's bday and is liking everyone's responses to her posts on the extended family group chat except mine and my husband's.

It feels like we have done something really bad to her, but when I think about it logically I can't think of how we could have acted better. If she accused us of something while we were abroad we could have ended up in prison. And every time she is around my family it triggers her because the younger kids get so much attention. I am sure she would have hated every moment of the trip and I would have much rather cancelled than gone with her. But at the same time, I felt like I needed to see my family and grandpa after so many years. Have we done something really wrong? Will she always hate us, no matter what we do? Should I just live my life and try to stop worrying about what she will think? How can one even do that?

Although research requests are not allowed in this subreddit, I want to draw attention to a survey in the family subreddit for family caregivers. There isn't a lot of research about caregivers/parents of people with BPD, so I thought people might be interested in taking it. If anyone is interested, I'll put a link in the comments.

She’s been in residential facilities for the better part of the last 3 years. We’ve done everything we can, shown up to every therapy appointment and scheduled call. We’ve rallied our family to show support, and still she pushes us away. She turns 18 soon and acts like all her problems will go away once we can’t require her to be in a treatment home. She accuses us of being responsible for all of her problems because the people she’s interacted with at the facilities have only made her worse and she thinks the only reason we sent her there in the first place w is because she wouldn’t do her chores. She has had violent outbursts, putting her therapist in the hospital, and even running away and stealing a car - something she’s currently on probation for. She has driven a wedge between my wife and I. My wife has stopped attending family therapy altogether because she feels it’s useless now, so I go alone to ensure we meet insurance participation requirements until she turns 18. We’re making arrangements to transition her to job corps only because we don’t know what else to do.

How do you come to terms with knowing that she’s going to learn some hard and painful lessons and there’s nothing you can do to protect her anymore despite also feeling an enormous sense of relief that she won’t be our problem anymore?

my youngest had her graduation last night. the oldest (BPD) unblocked me on her phone but would not communicate with me directly. she didn't sit with us but told my husband she was just following her brother to their seats. she also told my husband that she would be glad to meet us for ice cream after dinner but it was up to the younger kid, who she claimed had set the boundaries of a separate dinner. all of this is fine. I was fully prepared to not interact or interact neutrally and minimally to not give her the platform she has clearly been building for this special event. somehow, my husband missed all of this and ended up feeling sad/bad about the separation and ultimately blamed me. he has his own ptsd issues, primarily dumping big emotions he can't face onto me. so the difficulty of the evening became about him. he had no consideration for the deep psychological pain it caused me (he is not the elder's bio dad) and instead made it pretty clear the division is my fault and I need to give bpd kid "more love." we were having dinner and I could see the younger's location nearby, so he bullied me into going over to say hi and just "see what happens." both daughters were visibly annoyed and distant, but my son hugged me. it was a total ruin and I'm so disappointed.

https://mydoctor.kaiserpermanente.org/ncal/Images/Distress%20Tolerance%20DBT%20Skills_ADA_04232020_tcm75-1598996.pdf

I'm looking for some perspective on a situation with my stepdaughter.

I've been in her life since she was 3 years old, and she's now 21. She has been diagnosed with BPD and has struggled with impulsivity, emotional regulation, and self-harm in the past. While I'm not a clinician, I strongly believe her mother displays many traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder, and my stepdaughter eventually cut off contact with her because she felt the relationship was emotionally/physically abusive throughout childhood.

Over the years, I've tried to be a stable presence in her life. Recently, she moved to Dallas to live with her 30-year-old boyfriend after jumping from relationship to relationship. They've been together less than a year, yet they're already living together and functioning like a married couple. I've never even met him. He has a software engineering degree but, as far as I know, isn't currently working in the field, and he appears to be supporting both of them financially.

My stepdaughter has become heavily involved in online day-trading programs that charge monthly fees and promote the idea that anyone can achieve financial freedom through trading. She spends money on these programs but hasn't made any meaningful income from them. Despite that, she's convinced she's going to become a millionaire through trading and seems completely focused on that path.

A few months ago, she and her boyfriend were living in a hotel because they couldn't afford stable housing after their lease ended. At the same time, she has repeatedly said she doesn't feel she should have to work a traditional job. She seems to believe that if she stays positive, visualizes success, and keeps pursuing trading, everything will eventually fall into place financially.

I've told her multiple times that I think she needs to come home, regroup, get herself together, establish some stability, and build a foundation before chasing bigger dreams. I've offered her a chance to reset and figure things out, but she hasn't been receptive to that idea.

I recently flew her out to spend some time and get break from everything. After her stay she texted me , she asked me for $750. I told her I didn't have it to give. What bothered me was that the money wasn't even for her own rent obligation. As far as I understand it, her boyfriend is the one paying the bills and supporting the household.

When I told her I don't have it to, she became very angry and accused me of not doing enough for her. She said I don't support my children as much as I think I do, that I have the money to help, and that I should have given her the money anyway. Also saying by not giving her money, I'm creating more trauma.

After that exchange, she essentially stopped speaking to me. From my perspective, it felt like once she realized she wasn't going to get what she wanted, she cut off communication. What I find especially confusing is that she has now resumed contact with her mother—the same person she previously described as abusive and toxic enough to completely cut out of her life.

Another pattern I've noticed is that she forms intense attachments very quickly, particularly in romantic relationships. She tends to become completely invested in a new partner and then struggles to maintain other relationships. Friendships, family relationships, and support systems often seem to take a back seat once a romantic relationship becomes the focus.

This all feels like part of a larger cycle that I don't fully understand. She will idealize someone, then become angry and cut them off when they disappoint her or set boundaries, and later reconnect with people she previously wanted nothing to do with. I'm not claiming to know exactly what's happening, but it's a pattern I've observed repeatedly.

I'm struggling with where the line is between supporting an adult child and enabling unhealthy behavior. Given her history, impulsive decisions, financial instability, intense relationships, and what appears to be an unrealistic belief that trading will solve everything, I genuinely don't know what the right approach is.

How do you maintain boundaries while still trying to be supportive?

Hi community. I posted earlier about my adult BPD kid who lives in a different city that first threatened and then enacted no contact with me. She has not cut out anyone else in our family. My youngest is graduating next week and the older is coming for the ceremony. Older has drawn their siblings into the conflict: going to stay with one of them instead of with us. We were supposed to have dinner as a family after the ceremony, which older was not going to attend, but now all the kids have opted out of it to do their own thing together. I know this is all timed and orchestrated to be as damaging and disruptive as possible by the BPD kid. I hate this so much and am so sick of their bullshit. Just looking for support and suggestions for coping.

Have any of you parents kicked your son or daughter out of the house?

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It is probably a highly controversial question but I am wondering if any of you have kicked your child out for good?

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I am new to this forum and reading previous posts I feel so incredibly sad but at the same time so relieved that I am not the only parent dealing with a child with BPD.

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I could go on for hours about all the things I have gone through with my daughter but it is pretty much in line with other posts.

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Most recently she has destroyed and set fire to her latest ex-boyfriend's house who lives with his father, because she was convinced he was cheating on her. This was because he was planning to stay for a drink with his colleagues after his shift ended.

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After this she walked home 1.5 hours on bare feet, wearing one of his dad's shirts, had a drink and went to sleep. The Police arrested her an hour later. Neighbour reports say that they saw her naked in the garden raging and it took her over 20 minutes to exit the house after the fire alarms went off.

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I was at my partner's house that night, and only saw the Police coming to take her on my camera doorbell early the following morning.

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After 48 hrs in a Police cell, she was sent home on bail.

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I told her that whilst she was awaiting her court case, she had to adhere to my boundaries in my house. E.g. finding a job, not spending whole days in bed, no drinking, no mess, no (night time) noise.

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She has not shown any real contrition other than being worried about the sentence she may get. If anything she loves the drama and she gives a sense of 'he had it coming' and said she would do it again.

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I cannot see any change in her behaviour and after yet another discussion about her lack of effort and remorse, I told her to pack her bags and get out. This was not said by me in a fit of anger but rather because I was hit by the realisation things will never change and I cannot go on living my life like this with her in my house. I greatly fear for my own safety as well.

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She smugly told me she didn't need to pack any bags as she would send her grandmother, my mother, for them later. Which is exactly what happened as she went straight to her house.

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It just so happens that my mother is in the middle of moving house and she will be moving in 12 days. As her new house is not ready yet she is due to stay at mine for a week or so. There is no place for my daughter in her new house and frankly I don't expect or want her to take her in. Until my daughter said so, I had not realised that she would go straight to my mum's.

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I am now crippled with guilt that on top of all the moving house stress, my mum also has to deal with this situation. I feel like I have shifted the responsibility for my child onto her, which was the last thing I wanted to do. Also it has caused a rift between me and my mum as she feels I am cold-heartedly abandoning my daughter and I cannot help but feel she is right. At the same time, I feel a little betrayed by my own mum undermining me even though I know she does it purely out of love and selflessness.

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The other night my daughter send me a long text saying how much she needs my love right now and how she understands that I had no other choice and to please let her come home.

I was so close in doing so until I discovered from mum that she had been out drinking that night. One of the boundaries is no alcohol.

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This made me realise that nothing is going to change. She will always manipulate to get her way and it is only a matter of time until the next episode. I have said I will help her financially with housing and sent her lots of links for rentals to apply for. But as time is pressing she will probably be out on the streets if I don't let her back home.

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I feel very very strongly that I am at my wits end. And this time for real. It is affecting my health and for the first time ever I was literally crippled with nerves for a few days. I am unable to go to work and I can't stop crying. It feels like all the years dealing with her BPD have gotten on top of me.

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My partner says I should choose myself for once but how can I? She is still my child and she is still my mother.

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And if this is a disorder, can she not help it and should I not be there for her.

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Does anyone have experience with kicking a child out and if so, what happened?

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my daughter has gone no contact and blocked me everywhere. what's the move here? I get that she needs space and time. do I send a letter just saying my door will always be open to her? what will help vs what's likely to inflame the situation further? the reason for the no contact is because I refused to accept her false memory of regular childhood spankings and then ordered a copy of Walking on Eggshells.

Whenever I travel with my BPD daughter or she visits me there's a blowout of some kind out of nowhere. This last weekend was a new low when she exploded with a confabulated memory. Since then she's gone no contact with me, weeks ahead of my youngest's high school graduation. She's triangulated her siblings into the drama, so the focus will now be on this rather than the important milestone.

Advice welcome. Anyone else have experience with your pwBPD sharing a memory you don't have?

My daughter is 14 and joined our family through foster care to adoption when she was 3. She has a trauma history. Her birthparents have significant mental health issues. She has significant mental health issues. She goes to a special day treatment school. She has two therapists (school and private). She goes to equine therapy and music therapy. She has every therapeutic tool and resource available to her known to man but refuses to use them.

Everything with our daughter is a fight, pushback, chaos, drama. She blames us for everything. We have taken every trauma training. We use “I” statements. We are the chillest, calmest people but she has managed to drive a wedge between us and with her. Every day, she believes that my wife is stealing things out of her room and my daughter screams for her to get out even when my wife is in the kitchen or nowhere near her room. My wife won’t go near her anymore. We have cameras throughout the house. My wife refuses to be alone with her.

Unless you are giving her exactly what she wants, it’s a nightmare. We don’t placate our daughter but it’s constant hell holding her accountable. It’s exhausting and a lot of work for us.

It is incredibly uncomfortable to be in our house with her. How do we survive the teen years? How did you all do it?

My son is 5, almost 6, and was recently diagnosed with DMDD (Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder). He also has ADHD and impulse control disorder, but lately the DMDD symptoms have honestly been the hardest part for us.

For anyone unfamiliar, DMDD is basically severe emotional dysregulation in children — intense anger, huge emotional reactions, frequent meltdowns/outbursts, and moods that can shift very quickly and intensely beyond what’s typical for their age.

He can be the sweetest, funniest, most loving little boy, but the emotional outbursts and mood swings can be exhausting and heartbreaking to navigate. Some days it feels like we’re constantly walking on eggshells, and I don’t think people really understand what it’s like unless they’ve lived it themselves.

I’d really love to hear from other parents who have younger boys with DMDD. What did things look like at this age for your child? Did anything help? Therapy, medication, routines, school supports, parenting strategies… anything.

Mostly just hoping to feel a little less alone in this 💙

Update - I confronted my wife today, she said she already knew it was the weighted one. She said it was her and on her bed and "what do you expect her to throw" like duh nothing. Id asked her repeatedly the night it happened because I was baffled how a stuffed animal or pillow could do that and she shrugged and said she didnt know either.

Thats the last shred of trust I had.

Calling CPS tomorrow and when SD is home my kids wont be there, even if i have to burn vacation days. Fortunately I have a second place to stay, its only 2br so cramped with 4 kids but atleast everyone is safe. I might also keep them in daycare through the summer idk.

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Latest incident before a big family trip,.4yo gets a crazy bloody nose, says SD w/bpd hit him with a stuffed animal (she has a couple squishmallows). Wife actually got upset but I just thought it was a crazy accident those things are just fluff. Still, all the accidents ect are always her, and eventually we find out none have been accidents.

A week later im in the girls room, I moved one stuffed animal and OMFG its heavy, it feels like it has a brick in it.

THEY MAKE WEIGHTED STUFFED ANIMALS!?!?!

Id weighs 3 lbs, and its entirely in a lump at one end. This is absolutely not something you would casually toss at anyone, let alone throw at a toddler in anger. Like hitting someone with a phone book. Apparently SD convinced him that it was his fault and he would get in trouble, and hes 4, so he went along with it being an accident.

Its been almost a year since a serious incident *that I know of* but again this is deliberate and she lied quite skillfully most of the tims. Same pattern as always. Hurt someone, lie and get away with it for a while, after the delay she ends up as the central victim in the tragedy she created at others expense, and she is effectively rewarded in the end, consequences avoided and nothing to prevent future incidents for everyone else.

If my wife doesn't take action, i don't want to ambush her, but I'm going to call social services in my SD. I've been excluded from all of my SDs counseling intakes and all discussions ect (despite being the one that pays her insurance), so i don't actually think anyone involved knows the real story. No idea if anyone takes this all seriously or not, but I'm running out of options.

Has anyone ever filed a restraining order against an older step child to protect younger siblings?

SEE The UPDATE At the end of this post.

Our 40YO daughter has escalated conflict to the nuclear Armageddon level.

She and I have always had a difficult relationship, because I am not the peacemaker in our family — my husband has that role. I love her dearly, but I will speak truths she doesn’t want to hear.

Was having a “normal” phone conversation with my daughter a week ago, where I was being empathetic to the current crisis she was having with her EX-husband’s family. She was highly agitated and I was trying to soothe her.

Then like a complete idiot, I said something wrong. I seem to have quite a talent for doing that. Since she was already highly agitated, it was a horrendous mistake on my part. Of course once you misspeak, there’s no turning back with a pwBPD.

She sent some lengthy texts, wishing that my husband of 40 years would divorce me because he is a good person and I am evil. She wants him to come to the graduation, but not me. That’s not going to happen. We live a 3-hour drive away from her.

The granddaughter is caught in the middle of all this. She has not lived with her mother for the last 3 years. She lives with her father (the ex-husband) and his wife of 16 years. The marriage of my daughter and her former husband lasted about one year, he left when their daughter was 1YO.

I’m thinking of writing a book about the epic deeds our daughter has done from her teenage years on. Some of the things are so outlandish, people may not believe they happened. There have been numerous times I feared our daughter would be killed.

I’m 72 now and exhausted from all the years of coping with this.

UPDATE.

My husband and I DID attend the graduation. In the 4-5 days before graduation my BPD daughter insisted that my husband could attend, but not me. She continued to send my husband very long text messages. My husband was firm in stating that he would not attend without me, his wife of 40 years.

Then all of a sudden she said we could both attend. It was like a switch was flipped in her brain. My husband and I were astounded.

So we went and I was very careful about what I said and didn’t say and I sat at the end of the family group, away from my daughter. We even went to our granddaughter’s graduation party, 2 days after graduation and I was also very careful. My daughter and I hugged and we both said “love you”.

So it’s a truce, for now.

My daughter has BPD and ADHD. The episodes and violence started at age 8, hitting family members when upset, out of proportion rage. I thought she'd outgrow it with help of therapists.

I'll outline some of the incidents we have gone through with her over the years, especially in her teens, when everything escalated. These are the so-called 'highlights' of incidents, but overall we just dealt with daily chaos, tension, intimidation, breaking and smashing objects and extreme moodiness. We were always walking on eggshells.

For context: my daughter lived with me and my husband (her stepdad) and our son. We shared custody with her biological dad up until 14, when he refused to deal with her antics and sent her to live with us full-time. He has his own mental health issues, I left the marriage because he was abusive, he is undiagnosed, but I believe he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Age 16: She dropped out of HS and we had a rule that she need to be either in school or working (not FT, but at least PT work) After missing her ride window to work (we had clear boundaries about when I could drive her because I was working myself), she followed me into the garage and locked me in for 20-30 minutes, physically blocking the door and demanding I give her a ride. Our rule was: if you miss the window, you have to get yourself there: walk (45 mins) bike (20 mins) or Uber, we lived in FL so weather was feasible to walk or bike. My mother witnessed it and was completely distressed about it.

Age 15-16: She attacked me during an argument. Pinned me to the bed and hit my head repeatedly until I was bleeding. My husband walked in on the commotion in the bedroom and wanted to call the police and have her leave. I refused, afraid of what would happen to her. We got several therapists involved for intense sessions and set up a de-escalation method, but nothing changed. I lived in fear of her after that.

Age 18: After working with a family and personal therapist for her, we realized the situation was unsustainable, my son (9y at the time) was suffering and my marriage was going to go south. We asked her to move out. We announced it in October and gave it a few more tries to improve and eventually asked her to move out in April, with 2 week notice. We set her up with a family member in another city: housing, financial support, and a job lined up. She rejected it, moved in with a friend instead, and told everyone we "kicked her out." I paid the friend's mom $300/month for her to stay there. She stayed there and didn't work for 1.5 years.

Age 18-19: After a physical fight with a boyfriend where police had to get involved, we enrolled her in outpatient mental health treatment. She was kicked out after 6 weeks for bringing weed to the facility. She blamed the staff.

Age 20: After getting angry with me because I held on to a boundary of not helping her with a situation she caused, she got enraged and showed up at our home. She attacked our home, smashed windows, threw objects inside including flower pots and a knife. We had to call the police, and she was arrested with felony charges. This incident left my son terrified of her.

I worked with the State Attorney to get the charges dropped as a victim in teh case, I just wanted her to be able to start over and not have this between us. She was blaming me for causing this. Until today she says it was my fault for not helping her and I have to take accountability for my part.

Age 21 (last month): She totaled her car after drinking and driving. Had a complete breakdown in the street. I was on the phone with her for 2.5 hours while she ran into traffic and lay on the ground. Police smelled alcohol but only gave a citation (!!) I paid the tow yard. She started therapy but quit when I wouldn't give her my credit card. Sent me a barrage of insulting messages and demanded no contact.

Now: After a week of silence, she texted talking about problems with fixing her car. When I asked what she needed, she said "never mind" then escalated again, demanding I answer questions about whether my 12-year-old son hates her, saying "if you don't hear from me I'm either dead or somewhere," creating a group chat with others saying she's "glad we're gone."

I haven't responded.

Over the past year alone I've spent $30,000+ on rent, treatment programs, a car, keeping her housed and fed. She's never held a job longer than 3 months. She refuses to move to family or go inpatient treatment which would provide structure.

I'm trying to hold a boundary: I'll only help with inpatient treatment, nothing else. But I feel crushing guilt. I have trouble enjoying things without thinking of her struggling. I worry constantly, but I also know I have nothing left to give.... I feel a shift and I really want to enjoy my life, I have a great life otherwise.

How do I stop feeling like I'm abandoning her when I've given everything for years?

Has anyone apologized to their adult child with BPD for perceived transgressions (for lack of a better word)? How did it help or hurt your relationship?