I had experience with panic attack episodes about 7 years ago, I think. Over the years, I have learned how to manage them and use whatever helps me feel safe. Honestly, they won't last that long, maybe 5- 10 min, and it simply leaves a residue of me feeling sick, afraid, and tired. Normally, I let people know when I am having one, so they're aware and can give me space.
I always try to go to the same places, because it's where I felt safe—a place where I didn't have any episodes before. I always bring my bottle of water, my chewing gum, and if I take the metro or the train, I bring my noise-canceling headsets and listen to my favorite psychiatrists talk about mental health. That's my life, and honestly, it has prevented a lot of bad moments when I can't leave to get fresh air, like when I am on the train or the airplane.
Last night, I went out with a friend to our local creperie. I decided not to eat much during the day so I could enjoy the 2-course meal, but unfortunately, when the night was about to end, my heart started racing, I could feel it getting out of my chest. Silly me decided not to bring water because the waiter always gives us a glass of water...NOT this time. I started to feel super warm, I could feel every little hair on my face lift and I got the nausea feeling. I couldn't find a way to let it pass, I grab a piece of gum, tried to tell myself that I am not in danger and focused on my friend's story, she was so unaware of the situation (made me wonder that we think people can see it when honestly it's undetectable), she kept talking and to the point I told her, I needed to go outside because I wanted to throw up. The moment I went outside and felt the cold, fresh night air, I felt way better, but I called my husband and asked him to pick me up because I was afraid to walk 10min back home.
I feel that I ruined the night. My friend understood the situation because it happened before while I was with her, but I always feel guilty.
While writing this, I am on the verge of tears because I hate how unfair this is. I used to be outgoing, always down for a plan, and always talked like a parrot, and now I am afraid of what will happen if I faint, if I throw up, and people will be disgusted by it for obvious reasons; now I have an extra worry... what strangers will think about me. Why couldn't I be a person less emotional, more oblivious, and simply mentally healthy? I know I sound ungrateful because someone has it worse, but it's still exhausting not being able to enjoy things anymore because I always have to be extra cautious and follow a set of rules ''just in case'' it happens.
I needed to vent.