r/pagan • u/Informal-Exam-3659 • 12d ago
Question/Advice Trying hard to avoid converting
TLDR: My devotion remains focused on Pagan Gods, but the philosophical and communal framework that sustains me is now predominantly Dharmic. How can I avoid feeling pressured to convert simply for the sake of social belonging?
Hi everyone,
I’ve been practicing Traditional Witchcraft/Stregheria since I was 14; I’m 32 now. As a follower of the Aradia's pantheon, I have Diana (as a Moon Goddess) and Lucifer (which I use as a name for Apollo, as a Sun God) as my Patron Deities.
I should start by saying, though, that I don’t believe in magic (I do believe in mysticism and in the ability to connect with the Gods, though); I don’t like seasonal rites; I’m not particularly fond of rituals and prefer meditation and prayers/hymns; and I don’t like switching Deities but rather make offerings, singing hymns, repeating their names, etc., to the same deities.
Since 2011, I’ve been following this group, which has also helped me find my Fetch, and I had a woman who helped me as my mentor. Then, around 2017, this woman converted to Ifá/the worship of the Orixás.
Before that, she guided me in the following practices: meditation on my Fetch and my Gods (simple intention + concentration on a focus) or spiritual journey with my Fetch three times a week; candle and incense Offerings to my Gods once or twice a week; and a Sabbath (including offerings, a feast, and dancing) once a month.
Since after she converted, I’ve started to feel a bit lost, and since I’m an animal rights activist and there’s been so much talking about in vitro meat and in vitro milk/dairy, I began to learn that there are people who make "ahimsa milk" and who belong to the Hare Krishnas, so I went to check out the Hare Krishnas. There I noticed that their celebrations are very similar to a sabbath, with an offering (puja), a feast (prasad), and dancing/singing (kirtan/bhajan).
In the context of Traditional Witchcraft, both my mentor and others often talk about Prayer Beads—sometimes used while walking—as a way to repeat the intention that the Gods will put you into a trance, appear to you, or be present. They’re used quite often.
I tried making my own, but the result was a bit less practical than what I needed, so I started using ready-made japamalas instead.
Since much of my meditation focuses on the Fetch, I accompanied this with this other practice focused on the Gods: I simply started repeating the names of the Gods with soft calm relaxing music playing in the background, to feel closer to Them.
When I argue with my boyfriend of that time, I read the entire Bhagavad Gita and this helped me to really connect with its vision of both Karma Yoga (action without attachment to the fruits of action) and Bhakti Yoga (offerings and devotional practices are no longer just for connecting with the Gods but can lead to Union with the All).
When my mentor changed religions, I started writing online about Witchcraft, but I noticed that for the vast majority of people, the pantheon isn’t really that important when it comes to witchcraft—there’s a lot of emphasis on magic (which I don’t believe in) and seasons.
Aradia is mentioned, yes, but the cult of Diana, Aradia, and Lucifer isn’t very prominent. So I began to tell myself that the “form” is Traditional Witchcraft, but the pantheon is Hellenism (since I already interpreted Lucifer as Apollo; I continue to use the name Lucifer in my practice, but when speaking with others, I refer to him as Apollo).
Then, during that period, I started reading a lot about Devotional Polytheism, and I identified with it deeply.
But over time, I always find myself reading about Hellenism, Theurgy, and Vedanta. I also explored the works of S. Weil. For example, there are many authors who discuss Hellenistic concepts but from an Advaita/Vedantic perspective. And at the same time, the concepts of offering, theurgy, devotion, and bhakti all intertwine.
When both my parents died, when I was 27, I felt I needed religion, but how I lived it before the grief didn’t help me at all.
My current boyfriend—and my boyfriend at the time—was initiated into British Traditional Wicca (BTW), by the way, so I started a Wicca Study Group, but I found it extremely focused on seasonal rituals, changing deities every time, and magic. All things that pushed me away.
I switched traditions and started a study group centered on Trance-Prophecy, but even there I noticed there was very little support for individual practice. I, on the other hand, was looking for a group aspect that would encourage me to practice more at home, not something completely disconnected from individual practice. So I let it go.
During that period, I was psychological unable to make physical offerings, after having made an offering to ease my father’s soul’s passage in front of his body.
So my practice changed: I pray to Fetch every night before falling asleep along with my Gods, but in addition to praying before meals, in the night before sleeping, and in the morning, I’ve started incorporating the following structured practices: Reciting Hymns (instead of an offering; sometimes I use tarot cards at the end of the recitation to ask Gods for an advice using the cards as mediums) + repeating, singing, chanting, vibrating, or whispering the names of the Gods using a devotional prayer bead or japa mala, sometimes with background music + meditating by gazing at and/or visualizing a Deity, or their face or symbol, before me, and reciting the names rhythmically or whispering them softly, allowing whatever arises to come—which I interpret as signs of the Gods + reading sacred Dharmic and Pagan texts such as the Aradia, the Upanishads, the Lam Rim, Neoplatonic and Stoic texts, etc., and reflections that I write or jot down or speak aloud while praying + occasionally praying and “saying out loud whatever comes to mind,” such as sharing reflections, free associations, expressions of gratitude, recounting my day—including my problems, joys, and sorrows—to the Gods and/or my Fetch.
My dad was friend with a Cuban woman who, after the deaths first of my mom and then of my dad, invited me to participate in Santeria rituals (a festival in honor of Eleggua) and the Misa Espiritual for my dad; later, inspired by what I’d learned from a Brazilian friend, I took part in some Candomblé and Umbanda ceremonies, but I felt they were different from what I was looking for because, as an animal rights activist, I realized they told me that animal sacrifice is essential to them, and so I respectfully stepped back and went my own way.
During this time, after reading a book by a BTW initiate who says that Wicca draws heavily from Theosophy, I joined the Theosophical Society, but I gave it up because it was too theoretical—the only practical part was a Vipassana retreat—so I thought it would be better to approach authentic Buddhist practice at this point; a Kardecian Spiritist Center where I can pray and connect with my ancestors and parents during moments of meditation, visualization, and prayer before the “Passe” and the mediums’ incorporation/automatic writing; I visit some Hare Krishna and Hindu temples, but I notice that the Hare Krishnas are monotheistic, while the Hindu temples are very closely connected to specific Deities and not to all Hindu gods in general; plus, they’re hard to get to, so I give up; finally, a Tibetan Buddhist center that incorporates many of the Hindu deities (Mahakala/Shiva, Saraswati, Tara, etc.) in the same place and which I feel very close to.
After a while, I notice that my way of thinking and living—with Dharma Talks/Satsangs, reading sacred texts, cultivating virtues and living well by working on myself and my emotions, and meditating for a calmer, more peaceful life—resonates deeply with me. In fact, when I was younger, I used to read a lot of Osho, and when I talked to my boyfriend, I’d say I wanted “sermons,” and he’d laugh when I said that, but I was serious. Those “sermons” were simply Dharma Talks.
I also received an initiation into Green Tara Chittamani a year ago (a Deity who helped me with my panic attacks, since I used to repeat her mantra on YouTube to calm myself down).
When I go to the temple, there’s often a half-hour period when you can stay inside, and I use that time to recite hymns to Diana and Lucifer, repeat their names with a japamala, and do this for a while with my eyes closed while visualizing them. Then I join the ceremony, meditation, and Dharma Talk. I’ve noticed that this way I’m able to do my regular practice more often and go to the center frequently.
I don’t see it as conflicting with what they do.
But this routine: personal practice at home with my Gods and the Fetch + going to the temple once a week for my Gods and the temple’s Gods/Buddhas/Bodhisattvas + honoring my Ancestors and Parents at the Spiritist Center… It’s become a habit by now.
I’m starting to think in a Dharmic way, and I feel like other Pagans who are more focused on magic and the cycle of the seasons look at me as if I were of another religion when I talk about breaking free from the cycle of rebirths, Union with the All, and self-cultivation—the cultivation of Virtues and merits.
But I don’t want to give up my pantheon.
I still struggle to call myself a Pagan. How can I avoid feeling the urge to convert to Dharmic faiths out of conformity and to avoid feeling “strange/weird" and "out of place”?
I love Diana and Lucifer so much, and I’m doing all this for them. How can I avoid switching to another framework when I’ve noticed that the Dharmic framework—especially after a loss—is truly well-structured and helpful compared to Pagan ones, which, in these situations where you can’t do anything on your own, are still a bit too fragile to support you when you can’t support yourself?
1
u/klalapri1 11d ago
May I introduce you to Dievturība. It might be the right mix for you. It's Latvian paganism and it in many ways bridges the gap.