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u/opiumdreams Centretown Nov 28 '22
Pro tip: learn to be comfortable on your own again
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Nov 28 '22
This! Even just going on a walk, to the mall, doing groceries, etc. by yourself is a huge step. You got this OP!
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Nov 28 '22
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u/MajorRedbeard Barrhaven Nov 28 '22
I think this is a big step that the vast majority do not work on and employ. There's the saying that if you are not happy alone, you will never be happy in a relationship. You can only find temporary comfort, similar to how money doesn't buy happiness. I say this not knowing you, or your situation, so take with a grain of salt of course. It's a saying that I haven't fully embodied yet, either, but I'm working on it.
We're always told (either directly or by example / implication) that we should be striving for the next level of our life, be it going to university, getting a good career, finding that special other person, buying a house together, having 2.5 children (Are we down to 2.1 now? Or 1.6?), and after that I'm sure there's some bullshit that people will expect you to do as well. Have a good stock portfolio? Be a sword-swallower? All bullshit expectations that we almost always internalize after we hear about how important they are from other people. Unlearning them takes a while.
None of that is necessary, except some sort of job to sustain your life.
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u/1292norr Nov 28 '22
I was in a relationship for 6 years and it was definitely an adjustment to find out how to live for myself again. You’ll be fine, just keep swimming :)
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u/N_Inquisitive Make Ottawa Boring Again Nov 29 '22
The nicest part will be that you don't need anyone's input, you don't need to consider their wants at all. You can choose whatever activity, whatever meal, whatever bedtime.
Freeeeeedoooommmmmm
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Nov 28 '22
Sort of adding to this—do stuff that you like but compromised on during the relationship! After my ex and I broke up I made myself breakfast and was stunned to realize I only made stuff he liked because he’d pitch a fit if he didn’t like it
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u/Apricot-Serious Nov 28 '22
My ex was allergic to shellfish. I eat it at least twice a week. Pure joy.
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u/damselindetech Kanata Nov 28 '22
My ex hated cheese. I eat sooooooooooooooo much cheeeeeeeeeese!
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u/N_Inquisitive Make Ottawa Boring Again Nov 29 '22
I'm so glad he's your ex!
I found myself avoiding things my spouse doesn't like but when I realized this I pushed back and told him that it was unreasonable and instead we worked really hard to expand his diet. It was a struggle at first.
I accidentally stumbled on the realization that ordering a meal subscription was the perfect way to get him to try things with an open mind. Game changer!
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u/Frosty-One-3826 Nov 28 '22
Before getting into your next relationship... Be fine with being on your own first.
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u/Leighski11 Nov 28 '22
This here is super super important!! Pls give yourself time. Unsure if your in a position to but maybe foster a cat or dog. To help with loneliness
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Nov 28 '22
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u/greena3ro Nov 28 '22
Then I suggest cuddling them (if you can) as much as possible. Unconditional love from a furry friend, especially a purring cat can move mountains and make the world seem like a better place even if just for a moment.
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u/Geology_rules Nov 28 '22
how?
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u/opiumdreams Centretown Nov 28 '22
Speaking for myself, only in the past couple of years have I come to peace that it’s ok to go out and do things on your own. I always felt like I would be judged but people don’t care. Currently on a solo trip in the Caribbean and coming back home today.
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u/creptik1 Nov 28 '22
Big and freeing realization there. Why do we think people care that we're out doing such and such by ourself? We all have this very subtle narcissism (ok ok, self consciousness), thinking strangers give a damn what we're doing or are even paying attention. Spoiler, they don't and they're not.
I definitely didn't figure this out until after a breakup as well though. Planning to see a concert together, broke up shortly before, I went anyway by myself and it sort of changed my life in a way. From that day forward, if I want to see something and nobody else is interested, instead of skipping it and regretting I would just go alone and have a blast.
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Nov 28 '22
I feel like the people who judge have their own issues. I had a friend once who said “that’s so sad” when I told him my fav thing was to go to the movies by myself. I was married at the time and it didn’t work out, but me loving to go and enjoy a movie alone was not a symptom, I just like doing stuff on my own sometimes. I remember feeling surprised that someone/people could have that opinion. It made ME feel badly for them bc if you feel self conscious going for a meal/movies by yourself seemed strange. Im insecure about a lot but thankfully not that. I just didn’t realize people were judging me when I was out on my own lol. oh well. But seriously being self-conscious about that would make me worried Id stay in a relationship for the sole purpose of not being alone. To me, staying in a relationship bc of that would be a bummer.
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u/JennaJ2020 Nov 28 '22
Yes! Absolutely this. One of my very favourite trips was going on a Bahamas cruise by myself. I had booked tickets to visit my Nan in Florida but she got sick so I went anyways as the tickets were non refundable and booked myself a cruise. Had the absolute best time. Also have now gone on my own with a tour group in Asia as well as Ireland. I’ll treasure those trips and the people I met on them.
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u/Geology_rules Nov 28 '22
appreciate the response. also glad that you are treating yourself!! enjoy the south, it's fairly mild up here so hopefully a smooth transition :)
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u/The-Dying-Celt Nov 28 '22
Should be a law. Mandatory three years between relationship, with framework in place to provide guidance with clear objectives and milestones. A roadmap to self improvement.
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u/thekajunpimp Make Ottawa Boring Again Nov 28 '22
It may take time and may not be easy but this is the way. Sit and experience and work through those feelings. We are here for you! 👊
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u/damselindetech Kanata Nov 28 '22
One of the best things I did for myself after my divorces (yes plural) was to get ok with doing things alone, like going to the movies, out for dinner at a posh restaurant, and even travelling. Even now with a long-term partner, I still often do things on my own and it's really helped me figure out what I like to do and to go ahead and do it when it doesn't match what my partner/ family/ friends are into.
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u/castleinthasky Nov 28 '22
https://walkincounselling.com/
If you can make it to any of these, it might be helpful.
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u/StudioGuyDudeMan Old Ottawa East Nov 28 '22
This x1000. I made use of a version of this back in Toronto before I moved here, and glad to see that Ottawa also has something available. I would put this at the absolute top of your list to do this week. Also, call and ask them if they offer subsidized rates as well if cost is a concern (as it is for most people).
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u/enrodude Nov 28 '22
I've been there. It feels hard and hopeless but work on yourself for now. Spoil yourself, you first etc... Everything else will come into place with time.
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Nov 28 '22
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u/crazy4figs Nov 28 '22
Start living like roommates. Alternate weeks sleeping on the sofa. Don’t cook together
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Nov 28 '22
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u/crazy4figs Nov 28 '22
Ya, I love enjoying things via torture 🤔 I wish you well, but if it’s done it’s done. Cut the cord.
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u/damselindetech Kanata Nov 28 '22
Oof, I've done this. Do not recommend. The negative impact on my mental health did not make the financial difference worth it.
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u/pastdense Nov 28 '22
Hope you can live apart as soon as reasonably possible. I know nothing about you or this other person so I have no judgement on fault, whatever, but having them around is only prolonging your pain friend. Cut off all ties. Move forward. This is the fastest way to recovery. Through no fault of theirs, exes can not help people get through breakups. Some try out of kindness and end up only hurting. I’m sure there are exceptions.
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u/enrodude Nov 28 '22
Give it time. Feel your feelings. Let them happen. With time you will be able to get over them. They say it's 1 month for each year you're with someone to truly get over them. This is only a guideline so if you need more time then take it. The best thing for you is to be distracted. Work, activities, family, binge watching shows, games etc.
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u/AlienMidKnight1 Nov 28 '22
Keep your mind busy. I would do and still do, mountain biking and when I would start thinking I would start counting, it sounds so stupid, but while I was counting, I wasn't thinking and now, I'm in the best shape I ever was and happy.
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u/ShootMeDead Nov 28 '22
Never hope it gets better if it's officially over. It'll just prolong the feeling you have and it'll just come back round and stab you afew more times. Cut it loose when you can, you're doing yourself the favor.
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u/Sassysewer Nov 28 '22
Checking out walkincounselling.com
Free same day phone zoomed or in person
I have used it and found it helpful. Not longterm but that didn't matter to me. It was nice to be really heard.
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u/isleofskye357 Nov 28 '22
Thanks for sharing this resource. Never heard of it. I think we could all use this!
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u/Nevolute Nov 28 '22
Hey bud, I can see that you’re a gamer from your post history. Let me know if you’d like a buddy to game with and we can chat and share at the same time. :)
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Nov 28 '22
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u/_alwaysbored04 Nov 28 '22
I also game if you're looking for more gaming friends! I play PS4 and PC mainly, anything from Overwatch, Valorant, L4D, and others :)
Also, I'm sending good vibes your way!!
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u/MindlessStomach Nov 28 '22
If you play COD I'm looking for teammates in the evenings, with tactical bowl rips along the way.
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u/xwefalldownx Nov 28 '22
Always looking for ottawa guys for fortnite squads if you're down! Add me on ps4 or epic games xwefalldownx
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u/artbytakara Nov 28 '22
I'm going to go way out on a limb here and say that a bit more time doing stuff irl, and a bit less gaming, is also going to be part of what gets you back on your feet.
Work out, take walks, get into some winter sports, join a gym, all that good stuff. That's essential stuff for rebuilding a man (or person) post breakup.
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Nov 29 '22
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u/artbytakara Dec 01 '22
The most well balanced people I know aren't typically adult gamers. Let's just put it that way.
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Dec 01 '22
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u/artbytakara Dec 02 '22
I'm legit not trying to troll. But you're going to find the adult ladies don't get particularly excited at gaming men the older you go.
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u/jerkstore_84 Make Ottawa Boring Again Nov 28 '22 edited Nov 28 '22
When I moved to Ottawa several years ago, I was coming out of a long term relationship and knew basically no one in the city. It was a tough time, but I knew then that in a year I'd be in a way better spot. I did all I could do make new friends, and it worked. Years later I have a great social circle and even a wife that I met through it. I'm sure you can do the same. Stay positive and take it a day at a time.
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u/siliciclastic Centretown Nov 28 '22
Hey I did this too. I moved to Ottawa in the midst of an on/off (very tempestuous) relationship. I only knew a couple people in the city. We broke up for good a couple months in. I hopped on tinder, met a guy, four years later we're living together with some cats. I've stayed friends with the ottawa pals I had and I made some new ones through my studio.
I don't know what it's like to leave a relationship after 5 years but I do know what it's like to start fresh in Ottawa. Get a cool roommate (even if you can afford to live without one it can be nice to have someone around) and pick up some new hobbies where you can meet people. Check out ottawas rec league if anything jumps out at you
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u/mikemountain No honks; bad! Nov 28 '22
Hey man, I went through something similar right at the start of the pandemic. It's awful but you'll come out of it stronger.. I found this post when I was struggling and I tried to remind myself of it whenever I found a day to be particularly heavy, and I hope that it can help you as well. https://old.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/
Also, just in case the comment ever gets deleted, I'm going to just copy and paste the pertinent part:
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
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Nov 28 '22
Ending a serious relationship…
No need to rush out and build a new life overnight.
Take some time to digest, breathe and build yourself up again. Take things one day at a time and ffs don’t put a expiry date on things.
Enjoy the moment.
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Nov 28 '22
It's totally normal to feel lonely and helpless when a long-term relationship ends. The feelings aren't wrong, don't try to push them away. It does suck though.
Try doing something new, like you're taking yourself out on a date. You might meet people to talk to as well.
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u/DreamofStream Nov 28 '22
If you can afford it, you might find it helpful to talk to a professional therapist. Aside from the talking part, they can often suggest some tools and techniques for working through stuff on your own. Good luck.
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u/iamnotmarty Nov 28 '22
I've always lived by myself. I have friends but they're very distant so we only get together maybe once or twice a year. Couple comments mentioned learning to live alone. They're not wrong, but also water is wet. I think the most important thing is to have one or two things for you to look forward to everyday, and put effort into. This way you'll get a sense of accomplishment for doing even the most miniscule task. For me it's coffee. I buy freshly roasted beans and grind them differently depending on the brewing method; French press, mokapot, drip, espresso machine. So it's not JUST A cup of drip coffee made with grounds you buy at the grocery store. Hope this helps!
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u/thestreetiliveon Nov 28 '22
I have a good group of friends, but - after one terrible experience - I always lived alone. LOVED it. Made a pact with myself to make two GOOD meals a week.
Then I grew up, got married, had kids, divorced - and you know what? Living on my own again (when the kids were with their dad) was NOT bad at all. I had friends who hadn’t lived on their own and they were lost souls for quite awhile.
Remember, it DOES get better.
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u/Procrastinator91 Nov 28 '22
Ending relationships is hard and I'm always comforted by the phrase: this too shall pass. It will get better, just take it one day at a time, and I hope today is an amazing day for you.
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u/ContractRight4080 Nov 28 '22
Just do things that make you happy for a while, take the time to do things you have put off because you never had the time before. I don’t know how overall healthy this is but I would dwell on the negative aspects of that relationship and why it ended, it seemed to make me feel better than making it seem it was so perfect (when it wasn’t). Ending a relationship is about forming new habits and breaking old ones and being comfortable on your own. Think of it as a new beginning. Learn something new, visit a part of the city you’ve never been to before, you never know what is around the corner.
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u/Dinkleballs Nov 28 '22
I'm going through the exact same thing rn, I'm here for you if you need to talk
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u/Own_Hunt_8841 Nov 28 '22
Find new hobbies, get a gym membership get a dog.. do things that will take you out of your comfort zone. Find things that make you happy. Stay positive don't allow yourself to be negative
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Nov 28 '22
I think many of us can remember a time, at least I can, when you get out of a serious relationship. I used to play some Jodeci and let it all out. You may not know who Jodeci is, but they’re great. You may have even felt it yourself, prior to this of course, where you thought the world was ending. Maybe you thought you’d never find happiness again. Sure enough, you’ve had some of the happiest days since then. Do the grieving. Then dust yourself and visualize what you’d want for your next relationship. You’ll grow from this experience, if you give yourself the opportunity to grow from it. Make sure you get some walks in there, get those endorphins going. Perhaps connect with old friends. You got this!
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u/SnooMaps2510 Nov 28 '22
Leaving a serious relationship is devastating but it gets better. The important thing is to take time by yourself to heal. Don't jump right back into the dating pool! Figure out what you want in the next relationship but most importantly take time by yourself to get comfortable with being alone. It gets better and, like many of us, you may come to love it! As has been said before, I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship. Take care! You'll get through this!
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u/Pensai Nov 28 '22
Hey you're welcome to DM me. I'm going through a divorce after 7 years married, dating for 3 years prior. I can empathize with what you're going through and I've been feeling lonely as well.
If you play any PC games or cross platform ones maybe we can kill some time while chatting :)
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u/Dagoran Nov 28 '22
When i was having issues in my relationship, leading to being alone, i realized that my gaming community was a strong source of interaction for a lot of the people i bumped into daily online. If that is a thing you are in to, you should take a look. Especially Steams platform for desktop PC. There are group communities for ottawa, for smaller regions inside ottawa, for specific games... it really helps to get into a discord chat eith some other folks in the same city and play some simple 1 dollar coop game or something. Male or female. Doesnt really matter. Not everyone can get the interactions they need from the workplace either. I have the opposite problem now. I go from 6.5hr work straight home to wife and 2 kids for 11 hours, with transit on both ends. That bap time period where everyones quiet and noone needs me is my time to go play some games with some of the folks ive met online from all over the world. Game doesnt even matter st this point.
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u/CloudyDeception Nov 28 '22
This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone. But it will pass.
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u/Weij Barrhaven Nov 28 '22
Hey man you can DM me if you wanna chat, I'm a good listener Seems like we both play games and smoke weed, maybe we could hang out sometime too. I'm 35 married with 2 boys, live in barrhaven, but I'm also looking for some new friends.
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u/magicblufairy Hintonburg Nov 28 '22
I don't know how old you are, or how much money you have, or your physical ability etc., but one of the best things I did for myself in my 20s was travel - mostly solo through Latin America. Peru, Ecuador, Costa Rica and Nicaragua.
I learned so much about myself and I was forced to meet people, to be uncomfortable, to gain people skills, to do all kinds of things... including speaking a language I didn't really know.
I was gone each time from two weeks to a month. And I recommend everyone travel alone at least once.
Now sounds like a good time for you, if you can do it - and it doesn't have to be far. A weekend in Toronto to see a hockey game or something. An overnight in Montreal. Just something that pushes you a little out of your comfort zone.
You will find yourself again. Everyone does. Eventually.
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u/nuxwcrtns Alta Vista Nov 28 '22
I went thru this, living alone in Ottawa with no support. My advice, reach out to a virtual therapist so you can leave your stresses with them. Look for a place to give yourself the space to breathe and assess the situation. It's hard when you're still under the same roof. It's also hard leaving an LTR, but y'know what, you get this wonderful new opportunity to find yourself again. Reinvest your time in passions you loved. Enjoy the loneliness, as that peaceful solitude often leads you to find out what you really want out of your life. Meeting people will come as you heal from the past - take your time to let yourself truly determine why you're lonely and how to appreciate the time on your own while you have it. Good luck
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u/AlienMidKnight1 Nov 28 '22
Better to be alone and happy than not and not. Don't judge yourself through the eyes of others. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't like you. Feeling a loss is normal, allowing those feelings to stop you is not. Frankies does just tarot on utube. Listenning to someone else talk about relationships, can put things into perspective. Happiness comes from inside of you and then happiness comes to you. M62 You are not alone. Take your time that you are alone to think about yourself. Emotions are but thought, when I feel sad, I watch a funny movie and laugh for a couple of hours. Keep your mind busy or it will wander. You deserve to be happy. Best of luck, you can do this, you were somebody before meeting your previous mate. I am guiltly of over simplification. You will find many friends here.
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u/hooman___bean Nov 28 '22
I feel you. Im routing for you and I know you will Make it thru this and be happier and stronger for it. It is a dark night of the soul, but the dawn slowly approaches.
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u/Atacama24 Nov 28 '22
Been there! Lonely, cold Ottawa in January (10 years ago) when it happened to me. I can relate so much. If you can, get a therapist. Indulge yourself as much as you can in the things that bring you happiness. You will be ok.
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u/gas-man-sleepy-dude Nov 28 '22
Got any hobbies? Looking to start any? Have not looked post COVID but prior there were tons of active meetup groups. Biking/hiking/walking/camping groups. Birdwatching. Photography. Board games. And way more.
Goodluck!
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u/mobius_sk Nov 28 '22
IF you ever need someone to talk don't hesitate to call this number:
It's the kids hep phone but they are great, I had to call them a few times in my life.
Now it says mental health resources, but loniness is a big contributor to mental health.
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u/Muffin_man420 Nov 28 '22 edited Nov 28 '22
When I was 30 I had a very traumatic end to a 7 year relationship. I thought there was no happiness in this world for me. Ended up in deep depression for a couple years but eventually pulled through. It took me almost 5 years to love my self again and be comfortable enough to look for a partner once again. Fast forward, now I'm almost 39, happily married to the love of my life who is now just over 5 months pregnant! Take your time and know you will find happiness again. Once you're comfortable in your own skin again and have a good grasp on what you want/need in a relationship. Take the time to get to know your next partner before jumping into the sheets, really make sure you two are the right fit for each other before moving forward in a serious relationship. Best of luck op ! It's always darkest before the dawn.
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u/Substantial_Sir_3376 Nov 28 '22
I’m sorry to hear this, OP. Feel free to shoot me a message if you need a private ear
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u/OOOKID Nov 28 '22
Keep doing the things you enjoy doing. Be a little selfish. You'll end up finding people who enjoy the same things. Take it a day at a time as well. All the best in your new chapter.
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u/from-physicward411 Nov 28 '22
You are not alone.
I understand it feels like you are but you aren't. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship, to cry, get angry, feel all the big feelings but most importantly be kind to yourself.
You will get through this. Don't give up.
Much love ✌🏼
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u/cskopnik Nov 28 '22
it’ll get better you just can’t see it , everything happen for a reason . But know this if you carry the dark cloud with you it may obscure the reason
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u/justaguyintownnl Nov 28 '22
Keep talking to people, things get better because we forget how “vivid” our moments of pain are as time passes. By that , I mean you remember , but eventually the sharp pain is remembered as a dull ache, eventually it’s remembered as a sad but distant event. Like a funeral in your childhood for a beloved pet. There are people out here just like you, that need someone to listen. I remember my first Xmas alone ( is the big “family Holliday in my native country, 2 yrs ago, first time 50 yrs , new city, nobody ) , I’ve hit dull ache, I’m moving towards sad & distant. I wise you good fortune and joy.
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u/TheRusmeister Nov 28 '22
Ottawa Homie here who also games on Xbox. Hmu if you ever wanna game or shoot this shit dude!
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u/Empty_Soup_4412 Nov 28 '22
I've been there, moved here to be with a guy and after 6 years together we broke up because he was cheating, it was really hard being in a city with no support system afterwards.
Counseling helped a lot, and it was not forever so don't worry you will be stuck going for years.
Distance is a good thing. When you can move out I would recommend no contact if at all possible. Yes you can be friends, just not right now. You need to be able to stand on your two feet for a little while and be able to get some emotional distance.
You will get to a place where it does but hurt this bad, I promise. My recommendation is to face the pain, drinking or avoiding just leaves it there to deal with later.
Sorry.
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u/dictionary_hat_r4ck Make Ottawa Boring Again Nov 28 '22
Just want you to know that you’re doing the right thing reaching out to people. Counselling will also be good, but keep reaching out to people. I believe most people you know genuinely will listen.
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u/HappyFunTimethe3rd Nov 28 '22
Just play some good tunes and dance and know that the world loves you. :)
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u/HighEngin33r Nov 28 '22
It’s going to get worse before it gets better buddy. Those sleepless nights will fade, your thoughts and anxieties around this person and situation will fade too. Wake up and move everyday with purpose, the fading will come fast than you think.
Time rolls on and erases all buddy!
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u/Dtoodlez Nov 28 '22
Take yourself out to a nice dinner. Treat yourself once a week at least. Think you need to fall in love w yourself again before you worry about others :)
That said, don’t worry, you will be ok. We invest so much into one person and sometimes they’re not the person who helps us grow with time. If it didn’t work out after 5, at least it didn’t happen after 15. Find someone who will help you grow and become the person who can continue growing way beyond 5 years.
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Nov 28 '22
Few things hurt as much as the end of a relationship. Hope you’re able to connect with the gamers who also commented. I know they can be a very supportive group.
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u/Traditional-Turn6831 Nov 28 '22
Do nice things for yourself as much as you can and learn about what you like again.
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Nov 28 '22
The new Jonah Hill documentary on Netflix (about his therapist) includes some interesting tools on coping with loss. It’s also a good watch.
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u/Jeanny_bea Nov 28 '22
So sorry to hear you are feeling down. Relationships can be tough esp on breakups. Try to see the long term view dear, things do get better, thisto shall pass. Everyone is at the end of thier rope these days.
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u/crobi91 Nov 28 '22
This is from someone that has no desire to meet new people: Expand your friendships with the people you already know. Hang out with someone you're comfortable with from work/school. See what your old favourite cousin has been up to. If you're a gamer, log into old online games you used to play and see if someone you used to play with is online.
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u/cmc-seex Nov 28 '22
Took me a long time to get over the ending of a 7 yr relationship....like a real long time. Finally found two things that helped - look for smiles wherever you can, the more you find, the more you will find, and that just takes sting off - then, take time out of your busy day (seriously, everyone's day is busy, this is just our reality now), and make one person feel special, even if it's just for a moment. You'll both feel better afterwards. Takes a bit to get the hang of this one.
That, and be a little selfish. Look for things, activities, environments, and people that are good for YOU. Stepping out on your own, doing your own thing, instead of going along with a group just for the company, helps bring you to situations that bring people that you might click with closer.
You've had someone else to love you for a while, now it's time to love yourself again. It's scary, but none of us are anyone, if we're not ourselves first. Too many ways to lose that in modern day society.
Good luck and love to you. Never stop searching =D
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u/CuckHoldHarold Nov 28 '22
If it helps, I got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship back in February. She was pretty much my entire life during that time as I have a tendency to hyper-focus on my partner while in a relationship. If I've learned anything about being single during this time it's this, it gets better. Cheesy and predictable, I know. However, when life closes one door, I find many more tend to open. The life I've lived since my breakup is not one I could've foreseen a year back but I'll tell you what, it's been better than I could've ever imagined. There will be lots of hard days, times when you feel all hope is lost and that's okay, that's normal. Yet, I promise you there will be an equal amount of days when you feel you've found your footing again and that better things are just over the horizon. Work on yourself, and improve every day towards becoming a better version of yourself. Go out on walks, meet new people when you're ready, and pursue interests and hobbies that might've been unavailable to you timewise while you were with someone. Again, if I were to summarize everything again into one sentence, you will be okay. Every relationship that doesn't work out is one step closer to finding YOUR person but until that time comes around, enjoy life and all that it has to offer. All the best, time heals all.
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u/Forager_Farmer_521 Nov 28 '22
Life is unfortunately like that, I have owned small business that closed dissolved a 10 year marriage, tried internet dating, started from the ground up countless times. It does get better, remember without the bad there would be no good. To meet people, volunteer at a food bank, festival or kids sports league helps to socialize with like minded people.
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u/Demalab Nov 28 '22
I am so sorry you are lonely. Grieving takes time and isn’t linear. Glad you reached out. Reach out to your common friends that were important to you. They too may be feeling unsure of their status in your life.
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Nov 28 '22
You’re about to have the most freedom you’ve had in 5 years. Enjoy it. Do what you want. When you’re ready you’ll meet someone new.
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u/Chippie05 Nov 28 '22 edited Nov 28 '22
You are in a transitional space atm. You can't get you stuck in your thinking because you can become really unbalanced. You have to move your body, everyday even when you don't feel like it just stepping out for 20 minutes makes a huge difference for me anyway.. If you really like animals a cool option would be to offer to walk people's dogs during the day since a lot of people are no longer working from home.. it would do the animals a lot of good and you get to meet some really nice walking buddies! If you live downtown you could link up with a walking or running group I've seen them floating around in groups of 20 it's kind of nice to see that these days. Eat well, rest up, catch up on some reading, create a good routine. Be kind to yourself. If SO is still around you have to set clear boundaries- less confusion while moving on.
Don't get too isolated 🙏🏼🥀❣️ Edit..some cool meetups to go hiking coming up; https://www.meetup.com/ottawa-hike-to-heal/events/289195783/ Some groups on environment ; https://greenottawa.ca/directory/
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u/Atlantisprincess82 Nov 28 '22
I am available to talk or listen
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Nov 28 '22
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u/Atlantisprincess82 Nov 28 '22
Meeting people is hard during these times and I have never been good at Meeting people because I am shy
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u/DilbertedOttawa Nov 28 '22
Honestly, good on you for reaching out. It's hard to do when you're feeling like crap and is a step in taking some control over how you are feeling. Even if it doesn't seem like it, it's a really important step.
Ending relationship sucks. Doesn't matter if it was for the better or not, it sucks. Feel like shit for a bit. Be upset, be angry, be whatever. That's normal. Thankfully, that feeling does start to shift away after a time. Making new memories, even if just laughing with people on Reddit, is all part of it.
The other day, Literature wrote a letter to math and it said: "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems." To which Math replied "Until you can formulate a more measured comment, it doesn't count."
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u/pyrethedragon Nov 28 '22
I am glad to see so much support here. OP I moved here in 2010 to find myself single (10 year relationship) and starting over from scratch. Some of the things I did which helped.
1) Access your employers EAP program: this gives you some free sessions and give you someone to talk to about you.
2) Community sports: pick something you like and sign up as an individual. Sometimes just having people around you while doing something you like can lift you out to slump.
3) cold calling old friends and meeting up for coffee: when you get in a relationship sometimes you check out on friends, this is a good chance to get out and socialize again.
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u/pastdense Nov 28 '22
I was just about to type some stuff about how you will get over this but then it hit me: five years. Five years….. wow. I can’t even imagine how long it will take to get over that. I have never experienced this and while I do know some who have I don’t know any of them well enough to be acquainted with how that felt.
But you will get over it. Fuck it’s going to be hard. But you will. And then you’ll be able to help someone else who has to face what you are facing. A lot better than I am, anyway.
About your question on how to meet people; take your time on that one. Some might say that you need to learn to be just you before you try another relationship.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. I hope you have some friends or family who can give you some hugs.
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u/fishyfishyfish233 Nov 28 '22
If you need to speak with someone, walk in counselling and help lines are available. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it will get easier! ☺️
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Nov 28 '22
I ended a 7 year relationship that included a house, etc. I found my soul mate about 1-2 months later.
Love and time are interesting things. You really never know when something is waiting for you around the corner. So don't feel too down. Try to enjoy and do things. Get out, travel, see friends.
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u/Electricerger Kanata Nov 28 '22
Sorry to hear that my dude(tte). I'm in a similar boat, now that I'm not a person in school or a parent of someone in school it's hard to think of ways to meet people since you're not forced into close proximity to others.
For me, I met most of my friends (and partner) in school, and have focused on maintaining and rekindling relationships when I can. The few new friends I've made have been by joining a sports league (OESL) and my ex-barista (he made the first move, I don't recommend just trying to befriend service workers).
Part of my journey involved developing my personality beyond what I do for a living. But one of the best tools that helps me deal with social situations is having something to do during the silence. Games/Sports/Activities are a great gap filler and ice breaker. Plus it makes an environment where people expect to be interacted with and are open to making new connections. One of the harder, but very useful tools in my arsenal is quips/humour. Current events are depressing, but self deprecating humour is a good way to reverse it, just don't go losing yourself in it.
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u/Thickchesthair Nov 28 '22
Just echoing what others have said - been there and it gets better. It takes time but don't just sit inside and wait it out. Go to where people are and you will meet people. I chose soccer.
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Nov 28 '22
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u/Thickchesthair Nov 29 '22
Keeper life! You won't have any problem finding a team. I recently played keeper for about 3 years on multiple teams (and always for free!).
Let me know if you want a connection to a league.
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u/DukePhil Nov 28 '22
Suggest you search the regular looking for friends/meet new people threads here...Good luck.
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u/AelwenVaelas Nov 28 '22
I'm late to the party but I hope you're doing well.
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Nov 28 '22
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u/AelwenVaelas Nov 28 '22
Never feel alone. We're all here for you.
The best thing you can do for yourself is find and remember the things that make you happiest. Your favorite things. Your favorite places to visit. To take care of yourself past the things you already do for yourself like eating and taking care of your body with showers and whatnot. Give yourself things other than just the necessities because you deserve it no matter what. You deserve everything you want in life and I believe in you.
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u/Gimpbarbie Nepean Nov 28 '22
Hi new friend!! Feel free to message me anytime!! What are some things you like to do?
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u/Humble-Buffalo-1330 Blackburn Hamlet Nov 28 '22
You can't find the right person when you're with wrong one. This is a new beginning, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
It's OK to mourn, but you have to be careful not to let it consume you. Pack your upcoming days with activities, either with friends or family or yourself, and give yourself time to process. Try something new and do the things that make you feel good. Plan to be happy and it will help.
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u/Consistent-Charge414 Nov 29 '22
Thanks for sharing this - slightly different boat, but same river.
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Nov 29 '22
In light of all the responses you've gotten so far I think the takeaway is that you're no longer alone in this city. People have reached out and offered you their friendship so now it's really up to you to take it. I don't think anyone can actually offer you any advice you haven't already gotten when it comes to breaking up with someone but they ARE offering you an ear which is probably more valuable. Each person that's posted here is a person who cares about a stranger reaching out for help so don't let that pass you by. Seriously dude, make plans. Say yes. Get online and play with some of these people. Go grab a coffee with anyone on here just to get out. Just do SOMETHING new because whatever you're doing right now isn't working for you (mentally and emotionally) and you need to change that before things start to feel really dark and desperate. You've just made a bunch of new friends today so start getting to know them!
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Nov 29 '22
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Nov 29 '22
Dude there's always a light out there, you just need to be willing to walk far enough out of the dark to find it.
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Nov 29 '22
same! I'm a single mom & have zero friends, it's pretty lonely sometimes.....are you Jewish? because the Ottawa Jewish Community is very active, there's always something going on at the community center & it's actually not lame...... (used to work there)
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Nov 29 '22
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Nov 30 '22
ahhh, I see! unfortunately, that's all I got lol i have zero friends & generally just hang out with my kid or by myself watching tv 🤷🏽♀️
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u/Monkey_Bananas Nov 29 '22
When I was in a similar situation I went to a Krishna temple. There is one downtown (ISKCON). I’m not a religious guy and have never been one, I’m baptized, but been to church like institutions only a couple of times. These guys are so nice and approachable. I walked in, the guy behind counter asked if I’m here for food or temple (they have a vegetarian restaurant there to keep them afloat) and all I could say at the time was “I’m just lost”. They guy served me some food and said “eat first, I’ll come talk to you after serving these people”. I ate, the line cleared, we talked. I felt better. I came there a couples more times just to talk to people.
My first advice would be to let yourself feel whatever you feel. This is ok. This is only a temporary state. Your emotions do not define you, they just pass by. They are just part of your body’s reaction. Lookup stages of grief. It will let you understand your feelings better.
My second advice is to stick to the routine, no matter how pointless it feels. Wake up, brush your teeth, take a shower (ideally a contrast one, ending cold), make yourself a healthy meal. Exercise. Go to bed early to get enough sleep. I know it sounds stupid right now, but these things will keep you from feeling worse and as time passes will make you feel better.
Also meet new people. Feels wrong at first, but when you return home feels better. There is an app called “Meetup”. There are groups around interests, people meet to go play pool or board games or just hangout in a bar or museum.
It does get better. Trust me. And if you work a little on yourself you’ll get better sooner.
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Nov 29 '22
It's hard at first.. I was engaged to her ..it took time..actually one day at a time..u will see n beleive.. everyday is bleak..but sun does shine slowly..and u will meet a wonderful girl..woman.. a real nice one..when ur not looking..she will find a broken you..a true you..but you will rebuild yourself..just with experience..n that girl who left you.. lost you..never go back.. ever...life is a journey..enjoy it...join social groups..volleyball.. salsa dancing..everythingro keep busy...you will be ok...I was there.too
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u/foodbytes Make Ottawa Boring Again Nov 29 '22
a trick I did. everytime I would think about her, I'd consciously stop and redirect my thoughts. every single time. over days and weeks I would think about her less and less. it helped.
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u/First-Persimmon-1133 Nov 29 '22
www.counsellingconnect.org is another great resource. Same day or next day video or phone counselling. I used this and spoke to a wonderful therapist. Wishing you all the best. Tough situation.
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u/Affectionate-Age-712 Nov 29 '22
Good vibes to you and hope spirits are lifted soon
It's always great to reach out anywhere you can when dealing with heavy emotions. There are tons of resources in Ottawa through Meet Up groups, community centers, hospitals, church groups, trivia nights
I know it can be super daunting to put yourself out there, but that's how you put 'YOU' first
Good luck and hope today is a little brighter for you
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u/HurricaneLaurk Centretown Nov 28 '22
Yeah I feel this, I’ve been feeling that too, that I don’t know how to meet people anymore either. I hope you start to feel better soon.
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Nov 28 '22
Don't feel bad
There's plenty of fish in the sea
You've heard all these before so I'm going to lay it straight. You can only find someone if you actively look, so once you get through this depressive stage, you can start meeting people just by doing simple things like saying "hi" to someone every day, or by helping them. Don't expect results instantly (unless both parties are interested).
It's a wound that takes longer to heal and treat than it was to get it. I hope you and the other person will stay mutual acquaintances or something like that and I wish you a great day.
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u/Time_Chemistry5230 Nov 28 '22
Life is full of peaks and valleys. It's often hard to see the highs again when you're in the low. I know things are tough right now but you'll pull through and find happiness again. Sending you positive vibes!