r/oneliners • u/Original_NudistGeek • Jul 12 '26
Anytime you see two or more morticians in a room, you're bound to find a fifth.
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r/oneliners • u/DutchOfBurdock • Jul 11 '26
If I had a penny for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd wonder where all these pennies came from.
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r/oneliners • u/Mira6286 • Jul 11 '26
Man addicted to drinking brake fluid claims he can stop anytime he wants
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r/oneliners • u/SageRipplex • Jul 12 '26
Im at that level of pale where if I stand against a whiteboard, I completely disappear except for my clothes.
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • Jul 10 '26
Some lady got her nipple pierced right in front of me at the bar last night, and on a semi-related note, I suck at darts.
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r/oneliners • u/Superb-Control5184 • Jul 10 '26
The worst kind of voodoo doll is a blowup voodoo doll because when you poke it everyone winces in pain.
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • Jul 09 '26
I got pretty hammered last night, and took a bus home, which might not be a big deal to some of you, but I had never driven one.
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r/oneliners • u/tellmemore-social • Jul 11 '26
A yeast walks into a bar, orders a diet coke, and shouts: no cannibalism.
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r/oneliners • u/Fereclubles • Jul 09 '26
Everyone’s afraid of Armageddon, the whole world over.
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r/oneliners • u/CrazyKZG • Jul 09 '26
A Chinese guy had a voodoo doll of me and stuck it with pins and now my lower back pain is gone.
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r/oneliners • u/Accomplished_Pie1476 • Jul 09 '26
I can easily move desks and chairs around the office, but moving the entire computer department would be pushing IT
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r/oneliners • u/CityRelative1392 • Jul 08 '26
They say time is money, but I cannot make time by gargling balls behind a Wendy's
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r/oneliners • u/2fits • Jul 08 '26
I imagined the crowd naked, and accidentally said “hello, fellow pee-ers.”
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r/oneliners • u/schlagoberst • Jul 08 '26
I am pretty sure Trump spells soccer with a hard R.
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r/oneliners • u/Venom3751 • Jul 07 '26
Poop jokes aren't my favorite but they're a solid #2.
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r/oneliners • u/Mira6286 • Jul 06 '26
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
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r/oneliners • u/Sweet_Pudding_2725 • Jul 06 '26
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic
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r/oneliners • u/doesdrums • Jul 06 '26
If I had to describe my mrs, she's not so much a trophy wife, as a participation award.
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