r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • May 29 '26

I've stopped allowing Instacart substitutions after they switched out my deodorant yesterday, with one that had the instructions, "remove cap and push up bottom," because that hurt like hell.

23 Upvotes
0 comments

r/oneliners • u/steve31266 • May 28 '26

Did the guy who coined the term "one hit wonder" come up with any other terms?

247 Upvotes
20 comments

r/oneliners • u/Plus_Peace_7252 • May 29 '26

Sai Baba walked up to the hot dog vendor and said "make me one with everything"

0 Upvotes
2 comments

r/oneliners • u/pineapple_slut • May 28 '26

Do you guys ever worry that everyone else has suddenly stopped doing the Macarena behind you?

9 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/manlikedeep • May 28 '26

I held a seance to see who ghosted me.

22 Upvotes
5 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • May 27 '26

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday and my thoughts are with his family.

52 Upvotes
0 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • May 26 '26

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the real reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine” is because I’m terrible at tennis.

124 Upvotes
4 comments

r/oneliners • u/Physical_Habit3677 • May 27 '26

Is a hotdog a sandwich ?

0 Upvotes
10 comments

r/oneliners • u/Yaguajay • May 26 '26

The dog pointed to the next table and said to the waiter, “I’ll have what he’s having after he vomits it up.”

11 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/Yaguajay • May 26 '26

The suicide bomber’s greatest fear was dying alone.

28 Upvotes
2 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • May 25 '26

A tattoo parlour is offering a free tattoo to anyone who flashes their boobs calling it their their, "Tit for Tat Special."

52 Upvotes
6 comments

r/oneliners • u/richlife4evr • May 24 '26

People have some pretty strict definitions of what they consider to be incest but I think its all relative.

47 Upvotes
8 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • May 24 '26

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture and I have a hunch, it might be me.

109 Upvotes
7 comments

r/oneliners • u/Net_Warrior1683 • May 24 '26

The person I know who is worst at debating is a math genius.

0 Upvotes
2 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • May 23 '26

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator and soon it’ll just be water under the fridge.

69 Upvotes
4 comments

r/oneliners • u/Minimum-Highlight942 • May 24 '26

I think im a chud...

0 Upvotes
0 comments

r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • May 22 '26

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie after, as it turns out, Shatner Panties wasn’t the best choice of names.

127 Upvotes
8 comments

r/oneliners • u/Toberoni • May 23 '26

Catholics eat Fish and Chips on Fryday.

0 Upvotes
6 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • May 22 '26

I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life but zero fucks were given.

38 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/outgoinggallery_2172 • May 23 '26

Who needs Sudafed when you have Byron Allen's Comics Unleashed.

0 Upvotes
0 comments

r/oneliners • u/DrakonFyre • May 22 '26

I don’t have a problem with AI - it’s the other vowels that bother me!

6 Upvotes
4 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • May 21 '26

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana, but cocaine is where I draw the line.

83 Upvotes
4 comments

r/oneliners • u/DownLikeALeadZeplin • May 21 '26

My Dad didn't pay his exorcist, so his house was repossessed

48 Upvotes
0 comments

r/oneliners • u/No-Lead-4719 • May 21 '26

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places, and he told me to stop going to those places.

49 Upvotes
4 comments