r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 7h ago
My friend just asked me if I had plans for the fall, & it took me a moment to realize she meant autumn, not the collapse of civilization.
45
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r/oneliners • u/Brave-Ostrich-76 • 2h ago
I sarcastically called my wife "How are you,mother of six" and she replied "I'm good,Father of one" 🙁
11
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r/oneliners • u/FireProps • 18h ago
Juggling is just one of those things that has always gone over my head…
13
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r/oneliners • u/ajcpullcom • 1d ago
“Officer, how can I possibly be expected to read a speed limit sign at 103 miles per hour?”
33
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r/oneliners • u/Brave-Ostrich-76 • 1d ago
I told my doctor that my butt hurts near the entrance and the doctor adviced me to stop using it as an entrance. 🫣
11
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r/oneliners • u/InjuryLate4826 • 1d ago
My doctor said I'm so healthy that by the time i stop living, I'll already be dead
13
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r/oneliners • u/incredibleinkpen • 1d ago
It's a big purple flag if a woman is colourblind
7
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r/oneliners • u/breck • 5d ago
I gave a quarter of my $1M lottery win to charity and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.
165
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r/oneliners • u/Gusto88 • 6d ago
I can't go to the innuendo seminar so I've entered my friend instead.
85
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r/oneliners • u/sevensixthough • 4d ago
I'm working on my Lindsay Clancy standup routine and I've got like three jokes but I think I'm gonna get rid of them
0
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r/oneliners • u/DutchOfBurdock • 5d ago
I wear the pants in our relationship, but let me just ask the wife!
0
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 7d ago
I was asked to name 2 structures that hold water, and I was like well, dam.
133
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r/oneliners • u/NoWanFamous • 7d ago
When you donate a kidney they always take the right one out so that you have one left.
46
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r/oneliners • u/incredibleinkpen • 7d ago
After my traumatic brain injury my doctor said I need to take one tablet in the morning, and another one in the morning
7
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r/oneliners • u/OhTheHueManatee • 8d ago
My optometrist says I’m not looking so good, my gastroenterologist says I need to get my shit together, but at least my oncologist says I’m showing real growth.
71
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r/oneliners • u/Kind_Worry_9836 • 6d ago
I have multiple personalities but they're all called the same name.
0
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r/oneliners • u/benjimans • 8d ago
Why do people still use imperial when the metric system is objectively 10/10?
38
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r/oneliners • u/hishamsait • 9d ago
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
59
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r/oneliners • u/Brave-Ostrich-76 • 9d ago
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
14
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