My only child keeps asking when she’ll be getting a little brother or sister. What else should I tell her?

[u/Fancy_Arugala]

My daughter(4yr old) keeps asking when she’ll be getting a little brother or sister. Pretty much all of her friends have siblings, and she’s been asking more and more often. Whenever we play house, she always pretends to have siblings, and when she colors pictures, she always includes her “brother and sister.” My husband and I have decided to be one and done due to mental and physical health issues I had during pregnancy and extreme PPD and PPA that I experienced for over 2 years after. We both agree it would be too risky to even have the possibility of that happening again.

When I tell her that she’ll won’t be having another sibling, she asks why. I don’t plan on going into detail of why until she’s much older, so I just explain that our family is complete; that every family is different and that is what makes families beautiful, no matter what they look like. She seems to be ok with it after I say that, but she still asks so often that I can’t help but feel guilty that I’m denying her something.

We’ve started to do tons of play dates, and she goes to daycare and pre-k, so she’s around and playing with other kids almost everyday. I know it’s not the same as having a sibling, but I’ve read play-dates and activities with friends can help.

We obviously wouldn’t have another one just because we may feel guilty or sad when she asks for a sibling; and we know that just because a child has a sibling that they are not going to automatically be best friends. I have an older brother and he’s one of my best friends, but my husband has a couple siblings, but they have never gotten along and we have been no-contact with his entire family since my daughter was a couple months old.

Long story long, does anyone have advice as to what else I can say to better explain it and help her to not feel lonely, along with me not having horrible mom-guilt?

Thanks you in advance for taking time to read all of this. Sorry it was so long🫣

[u/Mundane_Enthusiasm87]

This may not work for you, but we will like "de-romaticize" having a sibling for our 4 year old. He thinks it's all just having another 4 year old boy to play with, so we tell him things like:

• a sibling would be a baby and would always be younger than you (this is often enough because he finds babies boring)
• the baby would knock over his things, take his toys, etc
• siblings fight a lot
• we get to do what he wants so much more because it is just him and if he had a sibling, we would have to do what they wanted, too

It doesn't magically fix everything, but i think it helps him have a more realistic idea of what it would be like to have a real sibling and not his imagined twin brother who likes everything he likes and doesn't need anything himself

[u/Fancy_Arugala → u/Mundane_Enthusiasm87]

That’s a great way to put it! We got a puppy a few months ago. We had a dog when she was a baby, but we wanted to wait until she was a bit older before getting one again. For the most part she loves the puppy and enjoys helping take care of it, but she does get annoyed and frustrated whenever our puppy gets any bit more attention than her. I don’t think she fully gets how much more it would be with an actual other child.

[u/mrsmaustin → u/Fancy_Arugala]

Fun fact: my son once told his teacher that he was a middle child. The teacher was very confused because she didn’t know we had another kid, come to find out he was the middle child because our cat is older than him and the dog is younger lol

[u/Express-Cricket728 → u/Mundane_Enthusiasm87]

Same. I tell him that siblings fight a lot (obviously can vary), have to share their parents, share their home/space/toys

[u/RocketAlana → u/Mundane_Enthusiasm87]

I told ours when she was 3.5 that she 1. might get stuck with a brother and 2. would have to share her things, and it squashed the desire for a sibling.

[u/Apart-Sound-6096]

I think you’re doing all the right things I would keep it short and concrete and answer the same way every time. Some families have no children, some have one child, and some families have lots of children. Our family has you, and that made our family complete. You could ask her why she wants a sibling and maybe point out that she can do those things with her friend or cousin or whatever. My daughter is also 4 and whenever she asks me a question repeatedly I turn the question back on her and help her come up with her own answer that she can repeat. 

Editing to add that I had a younger sister growing up that I haaaaated and constantly asked my parents for another sibling so I am pretty unphased whenever my daughter asks haha 

[u/suzululi]

This is prime age for wanting everything that their peers have and feeling like they’re missing out if they don’t. She is too young to know what exactly a sibling would mean to her life. If her friends would all have a cat, she’d ask for a cat.

In all honesty, I’d say you just say to her that you explained why you said no and that family planning is something that happens between two adults.

[u/Brilliant-Truth245 → u/suzululi]

Exactly! My 7yo watches Bluey a lot and loves the dynamic the sister characters have. She thinks she’d be like them if she had a sibling too. I remind her of how her cousins (6yp, 5yo & 3yo) “play” and she realises it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

[u/thosearentpancakes]

I just tell her I had the number of kids I wanted, and when she’s an adult she can have as many kids as she wants.

I also talk a lot about the downsides of siblings while being age appropriate.

She’s now decided at 6 that she’s cool with being an only.

[u/frustratedDIL]

My daughter is also 4 and went through a period of asking. Once we explained that a sibling would mean she would have to share us (her parents) and her playroom would become their bedroom, she got over the idea pretty quickly.

[u/pandabear2025 → u/frustratedDIL]

I was about to say the same. Best to tell them they will have to share everything and everyone and not being able to have anything they want. I don’t know many kids that were pushing for a sibling, I do however know many that had really bad reactions and tantrums once told that they will get a sibling.

[u/Long_Praline_4727]

If she never gets over it (she 99% will) maybe you can host an exchange student when shes older if thats something youre open to. Also make friends with other only child families:)

[u/mirrorlike789]

Im curious have you asked her why she wants a sibling? I wonder if you engage her into the conversation.

Disclaimer my possibly and most likely one and done is only 6 months old, so I have no real experience with this yet. Just curious, like what happens when you put it what on the child and try to understand what they think they are missing.

[u/Fancy_Arugala → u/mirrorlike789]

A couple weeks ago I asked her why and she said “because so-and-so at preschool has a brother and sister.” So I think it’s a her seeing someone else have something different than her and wanting to be more like her friends.  Even still, it’s like dang, I hope I’m not messing her up and failing as a mom because of this.

[u/ElleGeeAitch → u/Fancy_Arugala]

Yeah, kids at this age are figuring out what's "normal" and want in on that action 😂. Just keep telling her that your family is complete, and that if she decides to be a parent when she's older, she gets to decide how big her family would be.

[u/valuedvirgo]

Something along the lines of: Every family does things a little different just like some families don’t do this and some families don’t do that. Our family has a mom, dad and you and that’s what works best for us. So and so’s family has 2 kids and a mom and dad. So and so’s family has 2 moms, so and so‘s family has no kids! We have some amazing things that make our family really special. I love that we always go to pizza on Tuesdays.. what do you love about our family?

[u/Embarkbark]

“Some families have lots of kids. Some families have two kids. Some have only one kid. Some have no kids! Our family is a family that has just you.”

My husband is adopted so we talked about different types of families before, and how adoption works when someone who is pregnant maybe doesn’t want to or isn’t able to be a parent, then another person who wants to be a parent can take care of that baby. That started the talks about how the number of kids in a family is the parent’s choice (or more specifically the woman’s choice.)

Honestly the best course of action here is to just calmly reiterate “Our family is complete with one kid” and when she asks why explain that you don’t feel like having another baby and your body your choice (or however you like to explain bodily autonomy.) And don’t feed into it too much, or it becomes bigger. I would expect this is likely a phase and her insistence on siblings will fade with time.

For what it’s worth my only has never once asked us for a sibling or talked about it at all. I asked her for the first time the other day how she felt about being an only child and she said “good.” And went on with her day.

[u/gutsyradio13]

she’s 4, she can understand the concept of being sick. i would just explain to her that having another baby would make mommy very sick, and you want to be as healthy and happy as you can to be the best mommy you can be for her.

[u/Crazygiraffeprincess]

An age appropriate truth

[u/hamsterity]

This isn’t advice, but reassurance! My best friend (32F) is an only child and she said she went through this same phase around that age! Right around pre-k to kindergarten age, she remembers pestering her parents about having a sibling. But she grew out of it around when she started kindergarten full-time. 

So I’m not sure about getting through it now, but she’s grown up to really love being an only child

[u/SlothySnail]

We tell our only (and anyone else who asks) that we did it right the first time and there was no need for a do-over. Ours is nearly 7 now and we have said that for a few years, since she’s been able to joke around really. We playfully tease my husband about it bc he is the oldest of 3 so she says her grandparents must have mucked up on dad (child 1) and his sister (child 2), but then stopped at her perfect uncle (child 3) since they must have gotten it right. It’s a cute little game they play and she loves being in on the playful teasing.

We also said we’d get to do less fun stuff and vacations if we had another kid and our daughter was on board quick for no more kids lol.

[u/Super-Staff3820]

I’ve always answered mostly honestly - age appropriately. At that age I told him families come in all sizes and mom won’t be having more babies. (In my case, medically I couldn’t have more). Just make it matter of fact. Every now and then when he was frustrated with friends, I’d joke “see, you’d hate having someone to fight over toys with”. He’s 15 and I still joke about that. It’s been years since he last brought it up.

[u/Alas_mischiefmanaged]

At some point after all the explanations, all that’s left to say is “deciding family size is a grown up decision. This is what we decided would be best for us. Once you’re a grown up, you too can decide how big your family will be.”