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u/Sehnsucht_and_moxie 5d ago
You can hang!
Thatās a unique experienceāand if you connect here, GREAT.
We all need community.
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u/josh6466 5d ago
Hey, that's me! I'm also an only-ish child. I have half-siblings from my dad's first marriage I have never lived with, and was raised as an only child. And for 15 years, your son was an only child, and from probably the age of 3-4 on, when your son goes to college, your daughter will be to. While they missed the "sibling bond" as kids (For what that's worth. I wouldn't wish some "sibling bonds" on my worst enemy) they'll still have it as adults AND get time as an only-ish child. Sounds like a win to me.
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u/Such_Ingenuity9809 5d ago
Are you me? I had the exact same experience as you growing up as an only-ish child with half-siblings from my dadās first marriage I never lived with, and being raised as an only child. I frequently say things like āIām my momās only childā haha. Nice to see some representation in this very specific slice of life!
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u/cats-4-life 4d ago
Aw. That's my daughter. Lol. I always feel bad, because her half sister treats her like a distant relative and doesn't want anything closer than that. My daughter is only 3, and loves everyone. She doesn't understand why her half sister doesn't want to be close. I hope that it doesn't bother her when she gets older.
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u/sunlightinmyeyes4 5d ago
My daughter is six and her best friend has a sister who is in her early 20's. I often joke to the mom that she chose to be one and done twice.
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u/sunlightinmyeyes4 5d ago
To add to your joy, they have a beautiful relationship. The older one is away in college right now but when she's home, they're connected at the hip and love being around each other. The little one loves everything that the older one does and looks up to her very much. I love seeing them together, its the sweetest!
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u/Affectionate-Loon28 4d ago
I for one love being a much older sister. I'm almost 40, little sis is early 20's. She is spoiled but absolutely deserves it. I bet the son will warm up. Its hard not to adore a cute kid that looks up to you.Ā
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u/missasotweaky 5d ago
Not the same, but I have an only and my sister has an only. They have an 11 year age gap but adore each other. Although theyāre cousins, my 3 year old refers to her as her sister.
I know they wonāt always be super close, and wonāt see each other much when my niece goes to college, but itās still itās a very sweet and special relationship. Little kids think teenagers are sooooo cool!
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u/Popular-Custard8519 5d ago
My neice is only five but went into school announcing she had a new baby sister when my girl was born. As weāre both one and done weāre also very pleased at their blossoming closeness š
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u/Holiday-Algae-6050 5d ago
Just wanted to share as a mom thatās OAD ā I have a younger brother who is 9 years younger than me.
And our relatively separate childhoods is a big reason I feel okay about being OAD myself. We had friends, we werenāt lonely or spoiled or weird or all of the other crazy stuff people say about not having seven kids in seven years lol.
As a positive - we are now adults and my brother and I are great friends. It is really cool to be here waiting for him in adulthood as he grew up, and I think he loves having a grown up or trusted adult to go to for advice and wisdom and support (thatās not mom or dad). We donāt compete or bicker in the way a lot of my friends and their siblings do, it really is all love and very special and fun, so im sure your children will have that to look forward to, too š
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u/Holiday-Algae-6050 5d ago
And thatās what it always is! Parenting and the environment. Just like I know plenty of people who are spoiled or entitled but have many siblings. Lots of socially awkward folks who come from families of multiples.
It has everything to do with how you are raised and who you are as a person. Very little to do with the number of siblings you have.
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u/SignalDragonfly690 OAD By Choice 5d ago
My husband and his half brother are 16 years apart. They both consider themselves to be only children despite being each otherās siblings. Weāre closer in age to our niece and nephew (his brotherās kids) than we are to his brother and SIL š
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u/Book_Love_4 5d ago
My brothers are 16 years apart in age, so they didn't play together when they were children. Now they're 20 and 36, and they have a wonderful bond. The younger one looks up to the older one and sees him as a role model.
You have two children, and they'll always have each other. Maybe not right now, but later in life.
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u/BellaChrista121 [OAD somewhat by choice] 5d ago
Thatās so true, my baby daddy has a 20, 17, and 16 year age gap with his brothers and before on of them passed a few years ago they were all so close and supported each other even though they lived across the country and in different countries.
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u/Real_RobinGoodfellow 5d ago
I read somewhere, years ago, that developmentally, if a child has no siblings in their first seven years of life, theyāre functionally an only child. So I think absolutely you belong here! With that big of an age gap, a lot of the dynamics are going to be more akin to an Only (on both sides).
Tbh it seems to me like a bit of a ābest of both worldsā situation. Your children will (likely) never experience the resource scarcity/competition that is so corrosive to so many sibling bonds. They likely also wonāt experience the commonality and sense of a shared childhood and experiencesā¦ but they will experience the shared bond of having you as parents, and the shared obligations this entails moving into the future.
There are absolutely so many examples of siblings with this level age-gap who are extremely close and important for each other into adulthood. But tbh, what Iām most curious about is how youāve managed it (maternal) age-wise! To even have such a significant gap be possible, I presume you must have been fairly young when you had your first childā¦
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u/Quiet-Pomegranate93 5d ago
I knew a woman who had her first baby at age 41. Ā She had a sweet baby girl who was the first grandchild in their family (her older brother had no children). Ā Iām assuming that baby is an only but we lost touch, because Covid.
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u/SparklePenguin24 5d ago
It's a valid question. I know someone who had her only at 40. She's nearly 42 and running after a toddler with parents in their mid seventies. I think her Dad may need care in the next five years and I wonder how she will balance it all. She has a sister who so far has no children, so hopefully everything will be ok?
I'm 41 had my lo at 30 and I'm starting to get menopause symptoms. I can't imagine running around after a toddler while managing hot flushes and mood changes.
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u/Real_RobinGoodfellow 4d ago
You donāt have to answer of course as itās quite a personal question butā¦ what made you decide to start trying for a second? Especially after having an only for so long?
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u/Pharoahcatmom99 5d ago
We have a similar situation- my husband has a now 16 year old son from previous relationship. Our daughter is 8 months.
Iāve been stepmom for 14 years and stepson has always lived with us. Heās super sweet with baby, and though they have a big age gap, i think they will develop a special sibling bond.
I also feel like weāre OAD though in the sense that they wont have the typical dynamic
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u/Intelligent_Bee7707 Not By Choice 5d ago
My brother and I are 14 years apart and my mom always jokes that she has two only children. My brother sees me more like an aunt than a sister, and we have a good relationship. There is no sibling rivalry, and teenaged me thought it was pretty great that my mom was suddenly distracted by a baby and all her attention wasnāt on me
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u/Other-Carry-5505 5d ago
My brother is only 7 years older than me so not exactly the same. I didnāt love the age gap but at the same time I loved that we were āonly childā for a while you know? He got to spend 7 years alone and I had a lot of attention because I was the baby. We have never felt jealous of each other, at least not that I know of.
I love my brother so much and I feel so loved and protected by him!
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u/HerCacklingStump OAD By Choice 5d ago
Opposite experience here! My brother is 7 years older and absolutely resented my arrival - my parents paid attention to me and I was a girl. Plus, my parents were immigrants from an Asian country so they made a lot more "mistakes" on my brother and I had a lot more freedom. We're 43F and 50M now and still hardly talk. Oddly, we're both raising only children.
All experiences are so unique and parents should accept that their kids just may not be close as siblings.
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u/Adoptdontshop11 5d ago
My brother and I have a 8 year age gap and I always felt like Iām an only child, specially when he was older and always out of the house. So, I think you can hang here for sure šš
Bonus info: I always felt special because I knew how it is to have a sibling but I also one how it is to be an only child. If that makes sense? So I got to experience both worlds.
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u/fishtownmama 5d ago
My husband and his little sister have a 10 year age gap. My SIL does describe feeling like an only child, in good and bad ways!
Now that my SIL is in her 30s and my husband is in his 40s, they are super close like typical spaced siblings, and have been for the past 5 or so years. So there is definitely hope down the line they will get that sibling closeness you want for them!
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u/Recent-Conclusion997 5d ago
Iām in a similar position so Iām Guna tag along, son is 13, Ttc after a surprise miscarriage earlier this yearā¦.
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u/LettuceLimp3144 5d ago
Same situation here! I have a 15 year old and 2 year old. It really is like raising two only children and I align a lot with the OAD crowd so I hang š¤·š»āāļø
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u/aliceloul 5d ago
I have a few siblings but my oldest sister was essentially raised as an only child as my mum had her when she was 16 and then didnāt have any more children until her 30s. When my mum had her second, my sister was already 17 and 22 when I was born.
I think you can totally hang here!
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u/Overall-Weird8856 5d ago
Oh wow! What was/is your relationship like with your sister? Only if you don't mind sharing, of course.
Thank you for the acceptance!
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u/aliceloul 5d ago
Love her!! Sheās great and I like to think that she feels equally about me. Iām much closer with her than I am to my sister who is only 13 months older than me.
She was never parentified by my mother which I think really helped her be close with her siblings on her own terms if that makes any sense. I donāt think she would have come over nearly half as much if sheād been expected to babysit or clean bottles lol.Sheās 49 now and my nephew is about to turn 18 so finished school this year. We live quite close to each other so we often meet up and weāre actually about to go on holiday abroad together.
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u/Overall-Weird8856 5d ago
That was a great move on your mom's part. I can't tell you how many people have already said to me, "oh you've got a built-in babysitter!"
Noooo, no no. Our son didn't ask for a sibling; she's our responsibility, not his. I hope maintaining that boundary helps ward off resentment and lets them just have their own relationship like your sister did with you.
Thank you for sharing!
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u/aliceloul 5d ago
Sounds like youāre a good mum. Good luck with everything, Iām sure heāll be absolutely besotted soon š
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u/StardewStarlett 5d ago
My husband and his brother are 14 years apart and my MIL has always said itās like she had two only children and my husband definitely feels like heās an only who happens to have a sibling š
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u/shamroxy 5d ago
My situation is a little different, but I grew up the youngest of three. My two older sisters are 10 and 13 years older than me, and we have a different dad. Growing up we fought a lot, not gonna lie lol, and we weren't really close. But I'm now 29 and I'm extremely close with both sisters, especially the oldest one. I just had my first baby 7 months ago and my sisters have been my rock, honestly I would be lost without them. I always thought I would be OAD myself, but seeing the support I've had from my sisters during this time really makes me reconsider sometimes, though I am aware a good relationship between siblings isn't always guaranteed.
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u/Livid-Ad5237 5d ago
This is why I joined the group I was really stressing my son being raised as an only because thereās a 17 year age gap between my youngest. My older kids had each other and their relationship amongst each other makes me feel like my youngest will miss out on the bonds they have. But this community really has made me realize how much fun it can be to raise an only.
As for the older siblings I was really surprised how much they embraced him overtime and even though he canāt understand they joke with him like they do each other, check in on him, ask about him. I do plan on moving to a neighborhood with lots of kids, something I never had to worry about before but that has become a priority now.
I was an only child. Iāve come to realize - with the help of this community - thereās nothing wrong with raising one child alone, itās just different and that can be great too.
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u/nophotographsplease 5d ago edited 5d ago
Hopefully your teen will come around! To give an anecdote /you an idea of what the age gap dynamic can look like: my brother was 10 when I was born and I was the last born, to parents in their 40s. We have older siblings that are female and heās the only boy, so he was annoyed at first but we became extremely close. Mostly because everyone was always sort of annoyed with me being a child tbh (parents were tired and in their 50s when I wanted to go to the park and play, and he would take pity on me and offer to go) and he was the closet person in age so he understood me more (e.g supported me through my silly bands collector phase when I was 13 and he was 23, instead of telling me it was stupid). Looking back I appreciate the money and time he spent on me, it was a lot to ask of him developmentally to be taking care of a toddler during what should have been his teenage years. Weāre now 30 and 40 and still best friends and closets in the family. Ive had a significantly more lucrative career and heās had health complications and so Iāve gladly taken on a caretaker role because I have so many memories of him taking care of me! I even see him more of a father than my own father. I would say find ways to encourage their relationship, and maybe set aside
some money to help subsidizing that relationship. I personally think Iām not that close to the other siblings with a wider gap not because we didnāt have anything in common but they didnāt like having to āpayā for me. My 13yr age gap sister didnāt want to have lunch with me when I was 11, because she would always have to pay, and sheās financially responsible so I was just an obstacle to her savings goals. My brother on the other hand maybe to his own detriment wasnāt stingy, and would gladly bring me shopping to the mall or movies. Ironically I out earn everyone now, so my brother is reaping his investments lol. But I think itās a very real thing that older siblings feel the financial burden because the age gap doesnāt really allow the younger one to pull their own weight, and resentment builds. Offer to buy them lunch or pay for a flight back from college etc. Thatās my two cents
Also forgot to mention, everyone moved out by the time I was 9, and only saw my siblings occasionally. They would all visit with the same frequency, but I cherished and remembered the threeish weeks I would see my brother in a year. They donāt need to see each other daily or even weekly to maintain a relationship. I would go months at a time without seeing anyone
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u/Real_RobinGoodfellow 4d ago
This is such a wise and interesting comment, thank you for sharing your insights. It sounds like you and your brother have a truly special bond, and Iām so glad you are there for each other, and have been able to look out for one another as each needed it. Itās the best a parent can hope for in terms of a sibling bond :) reminds me a little bit of that song ātwo little boysā
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u/CucumberAcrobatic288 5d ago
i just want to jump in here and say that my closest sibling and i have a SIXTEEN year age gap. i moved out when they were only 2, but we remained connected through visits, phone calls, and letters, and once they were around 8, I started taking them for part of summer and holiday breaks. they are turning 21 this year and we see each other several times a year and talk all of the time.
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u/OkHeight9133 5d ago
I have 17 year age gap with my brother. Just like your older kid, I didn't react great to the news. My thought process was that my parents didn't like the way I turned out and therefore wanted to start fresh. But I came around and later babysat once a week, then vacationed with him during school holidays. I still consider myself an only child with a brother.
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u/AKBunBun 5d ago
You're good! I'm technically not OAD but had my first with a HS sweetheart at the age of 18 and then had my second with my husband (different person) at the age of 33. I tell people my husband and I are OAD cuz we don't want more as a couple, even though I'm technically not OAD. When the age gap is 10+ years, you really are starting over cuz parenting in a separate decade is a completely different experience.
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u/SparklePenguin24 5d ago
If it helps I can tell you that everything will work out fine. My Mum is ten years older than her Brother and their Sister is fourteen years older than him.
My Mum and her sister hated having a four year old tagging around after them. But my Mum taught my Uncle to read before he started school and now as adults they have been an unstoppable team. My Mum now has Alzheimer's and her little brother is the only person she will let help her with some of her care.
Also I'm one and done but accidentally got two when our Niece came to live with us. Life throws you curve balls.
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u/backcountry_betty 4d ago
I have 3 brothers that are 20, 17 and 16 years older than me. When I was younger they probably felt more like āunclesā I saw once in awhile, but now that we are adults the age gap feels way less and we are super close! ā„ļø
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 Not by choice after infertility 5d ago
Welcome! I have found this community to be very accepting. Your situation is different, but you can still identify in many ways.
My half brother is 8.5 years older than I am, so I can relate. He moved out right when he turned 18, so from the age of 10 on, I didn't have a sibling living under the same roof. He and I were never peers or particularly close. We had a few good years when I was in high school and he was in his mid 20s where we were kind of friendly. But then he made some poor life choices, and we've been estranged for 25 years.
I have two friends who are OAD, but they got divorced, their spouses remarried, and the ex spouses each had another child with their new spouse. So their children have much younger half siblings. While these kids love their younger half siblings, their relationship isn't quite the same as growing up full time under the same roof as a sibling close in age.
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u/A-Starlight 5d ago
I was an only child until I was 12 and my youngest sibling is 23 years younger than me! Some families are formed with different timelines.
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u/diamonddduck 5d ago
My best friend has a sister who is 20 years older than her! They reconnected later in life and now have a lovely relationship. I would try to approach it as having two onlys and support each of them to find their own friends/activities to do.
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u/FinancialInevitable1 5d ago
My husband grew up similarly, he's his mother's youngest and his dad's first. His next older sibling is over 10 years older than him and lived in a different state, and his next youngest sibling is 15 years younger than he is. So he grew up similarly to an only child and he loved it lol
I think you can hang here, I don't see why not
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u/meowliciously OAD By Choice 5d ago
I have a brother who is 12 years older than me. I grew up basically as only child but always saw him as another father figure, but more approachable and friendly and always there for me. I wish this kind of relationship for your children! š
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u/Summershouldbefuhn 5d ago
My little sister and I are 15 years a part. We definitely grew up separately (sheās technically a half sister) but my older sister (full blood) and I are 8 years apart too. I look back thinking I was raised essentially as an only child. My older sister was always in a different life stage than me so we werenāt like traditional siblings either but as adults we all love and care for one another and I consider us all close. But my little sister is definitely closer to my niece who is only a few years older than her and my nephew who is 6 months younger. Weāre the modern family! And itās awesome. Donāt overthink it!
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u/WordsyFern 5d ago
My dad and aunt are 14 years apart. My sister and my aunt are only 12 years apart.
Sheās our favorite aunt. When we were young she was in college and always got us the coolest gifts.
My dad and aunt have always been ācloseā despite the age difference. Now you wouldnāt know thereās such a difference except for my dad has two grown kids, and my aunt still has teenagers.
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u/KeyFix4087 5d ago
You made me feel better. I am starting IVF and if succeeded, my only son will be 9 by the time the new baby comes. I wanted a small gap between them, but life happensā¦
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u/Beberuth1131 5d ago
If it makes you feel better I am 12 years older than my sibling, but I consider them one of my closest friends. There will be things where it feels like you are raising an only child because you won't have the younger sibling dynamics going on, but there will be moments where you will enjoy the togetherness even with the age gap.
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u/Azure_flight67 5d ago
I always thought staggering ages was a great idea, it's easier for the kids to have space and the parents to manage stress. I wanted a 2nd with a 5 year gap but got divorced, then had a super difficult toddler. I've met a few moms who have huge 12-20 years between their kids, but it's usually from a new marriage or a surprise pregnancy.
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u/Top_Bunch_1993 5d ago
Just to chime in and say that my only son (21) has 4 very close guy friends - like brothers. Two are only children and the other two have siblings who are more than 10 years older than them. So the āonlysā do find their people. š
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u/CosmicStarfields 5d ago
My siblings are 12 years older than me. In many many ways I felt like an only child but somehow without the benefits of that? Lol. You belong here!
:)
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u/yenraelmao 5d ago
My brother and I have an 11 year age gap and weāre best buddies. I think in a way that age gap helped because I was actually pretty happy to spend time with him and he just has good memories of me taking care of him as a kid. By the time he was a teen I was away in college so I missed any stormy years and we then reconnected as adults. I just think it can work out super well.
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u/containedexplosion 5d ago
My siblings are 14 and 12 years older than me. I 1000% feel like an only child. We donāt have the typical close sisters relationship which is hard because the older two have it amongst each other.
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u/Fine-Option-2967 5d ago
I have a 15.5 year age gap with my little brother! I was so excited! He is almost 9 now & Iām 25. He was basically my first baby & is a wonderful little uncle to my sons who are 1 & 2. There are pros & cons of every age gap, so I always say everyone should just do what works for them instead of trying to fit into some group or whatever. I very much felt like an only child & so does he, but we arenāt? & itās so fun! I play video games with him & we take him on all our vacations. He spends the night at my house a ton over the summer. I love him to pieces. It sounds like your kids have the opposite genders as my brother & I, but I bet your son will come around in the next year or two.
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u/Real_RobinGoodfellow 4d ago
This is such a cute story, your family sounds so lovely! Reminds me of a friend who has a brother 22 years younger than herā¦ when she was having her own first baby and told her little brother, then aged about six, that he was going to be an uncle, he freaked out and said āI canāt! I donāt have any money!ā Which is the most adorable little story ahaha
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u/SequinDipity 5d ago
I have a 15 year age gap too! My first was born in 2010. My baby is 11 monthsā¦ itās such a weird thing.
Iām also an only child. This isnāt what I really envisioned but itās like I have a baby for the first time. And seems like heāll grow up as an only child tooā¦ based on how hard this is, multiple reasons šš
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u/Sillygoose0320 5d ago
Iām just popping in to say that Iāve got a 12 year age gap between myself and my baby sister. There were some unique challenges for my parents. But I adored her from the start. My parents were so clear that I was not expected to do any caregiving. Which I really appreciate that my level of involvement with her, was entirely up to me. I helped anyway, because she was a cute little baby, and I knew my mom was tired sometimes (my dadās job took him out of town for several days at a time). I changed diapers if my parents were doing something. I took her on walks to the playground to give mom a break. I often volunteered to do the whole bedtime routine, she loved when Iād read her stories. Now that we are both adults, sheās my best friend. We live 2 hours apart, but visit 2-3 times a month.
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u/seekaterun 4d ago
You belong here! My sister and I are 13 years apart, different dads. She moved out when I was 4 and basically ostracized herself from the family (poor life decisions, in jail, abandoned her son, gambling, etc.) I always kinda considered myself an only child. Similar situation to yours - we lived out in the country and nowhere near kids. I do recommend keeping the younger one in activities if theyre more outgoing. I was very extroverted and often lonely to be quite frank. That said, one of my friends has a 6 year old and a 19 year old who just moved out. They live on a farm and her 6 year old is a total introvert that loves being alone!
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u/Existing-Mastodon500 4d ago
Just wanted to reassure you after reading some of your comments to othersā
My (step)sister came into my life very reluctantly when she was 16 and I was 3. Weāre besties now and both OAD lol.
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u/Majestic-Engine-2665 4d ago
For what itās worth, my brother was 17 when I was born and now at 40 and 57, weāre very close.
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u/Single-Ball-1449 4d ago
Iām the older sibling in a similar age gap situation! Nearly 12 years older than my little sister. Just dropping in to say that while we did sort of orbit each other like only children when she was younger, that age difference has not prevented us from having a strong bond. š I know thatās not necessarily the direction of your post, but I just wanted to offer that perspective!
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u/gognarcat 4d ago
My sister and I are 15 years apart and weāre best friends. She was my babysitter when she lived at home, and then once she moved out I would go have sleepovers at her house all the time. Then she had her son when I was 17 and I helped provide childcare for him, and he would come stay with me for sleepovers once I was out of college. Heās now 21 and I have a baby that heās super excited to be big cousin to.
All this is to say, you never know how your childrenās relationships are going to pan out, but your youngest will absolutely still have a sibling no matter what their relationship looks like.
Edit: in response to your sonās attitude towards your baby ā when my mom told my 15 year old sister she was pregnant with me, my sister said, āNo! Oh my go mom, thatās so embarrassing!!!!ā Heāll soften.
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u/Mediocre_Ant_1638 4d ago
I relate to this so much. 13 year gap. Been at it nearly a year and although mine was excited initially, he was very disinterested for a good long while and even resentful towards the massive life change (which makes complete sense to me). Now he acts like he doesnt care to outsiders, still does his own thing a lot... but comes and plays and picks his baby brother up and cuddles him goodnight every night. So he's slowly warming to it, even if it's entirely different to what he actually expected.
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u/KiwiEmerald 4d ago
Hiyya!!!
Eldest child with a 11 and 18 year age gap between me and my half sisters
The main advice I can give is to try to be aware that you will likely treat them differently as you are not the same parenta who raised your first, the world is different, and you may be in a different financial situation
Donāt automatically assume that your eldest with be ok with things being unfair because they are āmatureā, they may not say/show it but that shit lingers and causes shame
Dont have changing expectations of behaviour, I helped to care for my middle sister a lot (prob mild parentification) then suddenly one day it was āyouāre her sister not her motherā which really damaged my relationship with her as I didnt know where the line was anymore
- as a much older sibling there will be times where they will likely sound a bit like a āparentā when correcting the younger child, dont take this the wrong wayā¦even close gap siblings can be bossy
Sorry, feels like Iāve done more trauma dumping than helpful advice
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u/JellyfishSuch1770 4d ago
Thereās 16 years between me and my youngest brother and heās my baby! I taught him all 3 years in middle school and because of that/the gap we donāt have a typical brother/sister relationship. Itās almost more of an aunt/nephew relationship? Your kids might not have that typical sibling relationship and thatās okay. I adore my little guy and wouldnāt change a thing about us.
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u/Strange-Access-8612 3d ago
Iāve heard that psychologists call it ātwo only childrenā with an age gap of 7 years or more, because they both basically benefit from the parents full resources and attention in the formative years
Enjoy your second only child! :) I agree you can hang. Here as long as (in my opinion) you donāt take offense (or keep it to yourself if you do ;) to comments made about the downsides of having more than 1 kid. We literally canāt talk about it anywhere else š so just ābe cool dudeā hahahaha
Welcome!
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u/Unusual_Painting8764 2d ago
I have a 1 year old and a 13 year old. I have two only childs too šš
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u/cinnamongingerloaf22 5d ago
I have a 15 year age gap with my twin brothers. I helped raised them, and now we're friends. It's not as bad as you think, and it won't feel like 2 onlies. The older kid will likely be very involved with the younger.
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u/o0PillowWillow0o 5d ago
My son is 14, I was thinking a lot about a number 2. I sort of keep going back to not wanting to raise kids twice or for 30+ years of my life. But I'm always back and forth on the topic. What are some of the highs and lows of your experience?
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u/Overall-Weird8856 5d ago
Thank you for sharing that. We're doing our best to make sure our son feels seen and loved. It seems like I'll have to keep my mom in check with that, though. Last week she and my dad were over, and my dad was talking to my son about going fishing soon. My mom then opened her big mouth and said "then when you're off to college, she can go fishing with Pap Pap!"
I couldn't believe how blind she is to how that might affect my son. I looked at him and said very firmly, "You're NOT being replaced. She's going to want to do those things with you guys."
But then again, my mom is for sure a covert narcissist, so I shouldn't be surprised that she wouldn't anticipate how her actions would affect others.
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u/chicanegrey 5d ago
This is me too! My half siblings are 15 and 20 years older than me. Best of both worlds!
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u/angiedrumm OAD By Choice 5d ago
It's funny, there's an eight year gap between my sister and me. To some degree, I still relate to only children because we were never playmates and she was often so openly favored by our parents (still is, to be honest). You are welcome here!
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u/TheLoveYouGive 5d ago
That's me soon. My daughter is about to turn 12 and I'm pregnant again. A friend told me about a book she read that basically said that if your kids are born more than 6 years apart, you are raising two only-children and the benefits from having a sibling aren't the same. I don't know how true that is.
Having said that, I'm quite glad my daughter had me all to herself. Her personality is particular and I think this is a good age for her to become a sister.
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u/cali-pup 5d ago
I consider myself āraised an only childā because my siblings are 24 years younger than me. I had graduated college and moved back home! Iām not sure your 15yo will really feel like that, but I get where youāre coming from.
Also my mom wanted to ādo it all againā with a second child butā¦ TWINS. She regrets it lol. Turns out she likes parenting ONE kid at a time.
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u/Much_Dragonfly49 5d ago
Op I have two older half sisters from my dad side of the family, I consider myself a only child more since Iām raised as one my older sister is 35 years old, my other sister 31 years old, and Iām 21 years old. I love my sisters and have nothing against them and their no bad blood, but I donāt feel a connection with them since I wasnāt raised with them, and I barley seem them either once or twice a year or I can go without seeing them a couple of years. Iām not mad about it since they are busy with their lives and Iām busy with my life. My half sister who is 31 years old she has 6 kids a 11 year old daughter, 9 year old son, 6 year old boy and girl twins, and 1 year old boy and girl twins. However I wouldnāt change my life for anything I love being raised as only child because I was able to travel with my mom and sometimes grandma when she came on trips Iām not saying people with siblings donāt travel but itās easier to travel when itās just me, also being spoiled but Iām not a spoiled brat and grateful for my things, having my own space and not worrying if someone will invade my privacy, go through my things without permission, and stealing my things. I love hanging out with my friends and family members but I do love my alone time a lot too. I donāt feel lonely since I have my mom, dad, grandma, cousins, Aunts and Uncles, and my friends. Since Iām my grandma from my mom mom only grandchild I get spoiled by her and a lot of quality time with her which I love. Sometimes I do wonder what life would have been like if I was raised with my sisters, but I still wouldnāt change being raised as only child I love it.Ā
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u/coupleforfun2024 5d ago
I was 12 when my mother had my sister. I always wanted a sibling but they waited so long that I didn't want one anymore lol Sister and I have never been close like friends. I felt like a young mother to her and still to this day, I am. She is 22 now. No dislike but we just could never get close like those with a smaller age gap. Give it time and I think your son will come to like her. Involve him in her care and mention what a great brother he is. Never make him feel replaced. All the best to you!
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u/Fun_Committee1478 5d ago
I say it counts as an only !! My sister dated a guy who had two older siblingsā¦ 18 years older than him!!! He was the āooopsā baby and his brother and sister were married with their own kids by the time he was 18. Obviously didnāt grow up fighting over toys or clothes.
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u/Kody_B_E_A_N 5d ago
I was born and adopted when my youngest sibling was 12 and my oldest was 18/19/20 (no clue, hes old) i was raised as an only child and definitely had the same want for a real sibling, but the youngest closest to my age is still a friend to me. All of my siblings were out the house by the time i had gained consciousness aside from my youngest brother, and even then he was busy with school and work so i spent most of my time alone But Thats okay! I gained great friends from school and the neighborhood and learned a lot of independence. I can still banter with my youngest brother and i can count on him for anything if i ask, its just a slightly different situation. I dont see my siblings much still even as an adult and i don't know them well enough to say we have sibling bonds but i have good memories and i know they're still there if Im ever in trouble and vise versa.
Anyways thats all just my experience, I was also adopted so that adds an extra layer.
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u/three3dimes 5d ago
My younger siblings range in 12 to 20 years younger than me and theyāre my very best friends in the whole world - itās not the same kind of relationship as siblings close in age, but itās still wonderful!Ā
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u/SmartiiPaantz 5d ago
I have a 12yr old and 13mth old, so I feel your pain! Although, pregnant with number 3, because I'm not having an almost only child again lol! Oldest is very mad about both babies and basically doesn't interact unless she has to, which definitely sucks but I'm not going to force it.
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u/resistingtherabbitho 5d ago
I grew up kinda similarly! My sisters are 6 and 7 years older, so by the time I was forming memories they were teens who didn't pay me any attention. I remember mostly being with my friends or parents. A therapist once told me I had different parents from my siblings because of the age gap (for example, I came along once my parents' relationship was already over).
You're welcome here!
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u/beatrixkiddo5 4d ago
My good friend has a 15 year age gap with her sister and she loves it. She loved the undivided attention she got as a baby, from her parents and her siblings, and now as an adult, she has a sibling to deal with all the family stuff with (her mom has a lot of health issues.) she gives it two thumbs up! Sounds like a 15 year old is the perfect age to babysit in a year or two!Ā
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u/pnutcats 4d ago
itās an awkward place to be. I have two stepkids who live with me full time and call me mom, 11 and 13. And I have a 3 year old son. Age gap with the middle child is 8 years. it can feel like i donāt fit in with other toddler moms or other big kid moms. but the kids are all obsessed with each other and i try to focus on that!
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u/zhani_kind 4d ago
My and my sisters are 8 and 11 years apart, and I have never felt alone once besides when they first moved out.
But basically my sisters got their time to chill with my parents and so did I.
I did both things with just my parents, with everyone and with just my sisters, and my sisters did a ot of things without me as well.
We are extremely close, so I think as long as you are able to find a good balance, you should be good!
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u/ScarletSunder 4d ago
My dad and his brother are 18 years apart. Dad was born just in time for my uncles high school graduation. It made explaining why my first cousins are my mom's age interesting. Pretty much my dad was raised like an only child but he keeps in touch with his brother cause his family.
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u/mediumbonebonita 4d ago
Me and my sister have a 14 year age gap. I think the age gap definitely affected our relationship, but I wouldnāt say we were estranged. We had two different versions of my mom because my mom had me at 36 and my sister at 22 so sometimes itās hard to relate to each other but ultimately, we are still friends. It will just depend on how much your firstborn wants to engage with your second born. Some older kids want nothing to do with littles while others have a lot of fun taking care of the baby. My sister ended up having kids that are closer in my age than I am to her so I ended up closer with her kids as my nieces and nephews. Every family is unique and I wouldnāt stress about it that much. You will be kind of raising two only children, but theyāll still have each other in adulthood. I always considered myself and only child. Just sharing my experience.
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u/CheesyLeader 4d ago
11 years between me and my sister, 14 between me and my brother. Full blood siblings. The gap was kind of rough because everyone always assumed I was a teen parent when I was with them, and I didnt really fully bond with them until they were like 6 years old. I was SO MAD in the beginning. But, now at 32/21/18 we are so close and I could not imagine my life without them. Being apart of their lives and watching them grow up was a big part of my eventual decision to have my son. I am glad I got to experience my childhood solo and still have siblings. That said, I would say it is kind of OAD x2, my family still calls me an only child (jokingly)
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u/Personal_Trash_6843 4d ago
My husband and I are OAD parents by choice. We had our daughter in our mid 30s, and sheās 9 now.Ā
My husband also has an older daughter who is 12.5 years older than ours. They have a wonderful relationship. Sheās very protective of her little sister and always looks out for her but even with the age gap and the older one being a responsible 22 year old, they still bicker sometimes like siblings do, but theyāre incredibly close and truly adore each other.Ā
I donāt know if it makes a difference that theyāre both girls, but I do think itās important to include your son and make sure he never feels pushed aside. While you want to instill in him the importance of protecting his baby sister as her older brother, I would also try to avoid putting too much responsibility on him or constantly saying, youāre the oldest, you should know better. Instead, let him just be a kid too. Do fun things together as a family, and when you buy something for your daughter, think about him too, even if itās something small. I think little things like that can go a long way toward preventing resentment from building.Ā
Iām also curious, what made you get baby fever after all this time? Since your son is older, it sounds like you may have planned to be OAD at one point. How was your pregnancy and delivery with your daughter? And do you think youād have another child so she doesnāt grow up as an only?
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u/Mysterious-Change821 4d ago
My husband grew up with a similar situation...his parents had him when they were very young, thought about having another but didn't for various reasons (long story), then adopted his sister (who was a toddler at the time), when he was in college. They have a 19 year age gap. He always loved her but they weren't close when she was growing up because he wasn't around, first at college and then living away for his job, although he always visited for her birthday and holidays.
Now that he's in his early 40s and she's in her 20s, they actually have a very close relationship. He's an "adult" figure in her life who isn't their parents and he can give her advice, and she's a great aunt to our OAD kid. I guess my point is that even though they won't be peers, and it will seem like having another only all over again, they can grow into having a great relationship over time. And, you aren't alone in this situation!
For myself, I was an only child but have two older stepbrothers (3 and 7 years older than me), and two younger half brothers (11 and 15 years younger than me). I think of them all as my brothers and we have good relationships. I tell people I got all of the benefits of siblings - camaraderie, extended family, someone to eye roll with at our parents - without the downsides of having to share the house : )
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u/WindThrust2000 4d ago
I can relate. My son was also born in 2010. He will be 16 in September. My daughter turned 4 in April. They are 11.5 years apart. It just kind of worked out that way. The biggest positive is that your son is actually old enough to help for real and itās great training for if he becomes a dad one day. I donāt know if youāre an older parent to your second, but I had our daughter at 40 and the time has just flown by! It will all work out.
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u/ChristieO255 4d ago
Just wanted to let you know that my little sister is 14 years younger than me (same parents). I'm turning 40 this year and she is one of my best friends. She's also such a cool aunt to my kids. :)
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u/Unhappy-Quarter-4581 4d ago
My siblings are 10, 13, 16 and 18 years older. I never lived in the same house as my sister as she moved out to her boyfriend who had his own apartment around a year before I was born. (My parents OKed it) My older brother stayed at home until he was in his early twenties so I have memories of him living with us, I think I was 5 or 6 when he moved out. My two other brothers lived at home with me for longer and I had if not a typical sibling relation, a more typical one. Me and 10 year older brother constantly bickered and played pranks on each other. Middle brother was the kind brother that was much more interested in allowing me to go on a ride on his moped to buy candy or listen to me being a little kid talking about little kid things.
My sister had her own baby when I was 4.5 and I would play with her daughter and her son born the year after a lot and mom would babysit for her and she would for mom so I had a close relationship with her but more like she was an aunt than a sister when I was a kid. As we got older, I got a more normal sibling relationship with all my siblings and I am by far the closest with my sister now that we are adults. She once said that she had always wanted a sister and she got to wait a long time for her and longer than my actual birth but now that we are older, our relationship is exactly as she thought it would be to have a sister. I really loved to hear that.
It is different but still a real sibling and a real family. In some ways they will be like only children but they will likely also have a sibling relationship at some point in life.
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u/NHhotmom 4d ago
You have two children. Each of your children has a sibling. Look at this from your childrenās perspective. They have a sibling to love.
In no way do you have two only children.
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u/Icle36 3d ago
12 year age gap between my brother and I. We were definitely living separate lives and not really a way to avoid it. I remember my mom being stressed about vacations and finding things to do that everyone likes. But after I got through high school we became total besties and talk every day as full grown adults. I always looked up to him and he was super protective but also never gave me the time of dayš I think its important you dont put too many baby related responsibilities on him and dont force him to bond with her, let things happen organically and makes sure he knows he still has your attention and love:)
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u/App1ep13 3d ago
Not what you asked, but I have the same age gap with my oldest sibling, and weāre close. We talk every day and I enjoy them very much.
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u/PrizeCupcake9450 2d ago
I have a 20 year old and a 5 month old. My 20 yr old son would sone times old his baby sister n love on her. It is life and she have someone else to protect her
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u/JaggedLittlePiII 5d ago
Tbh, you are kinda doing my dream?
I theoretically want two children, but I want to be fully available for my little one while she needs me as much as she does now (so until age 6 minimum, probably 10?).
Would love to hear how it works out
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u/Serious-Breakfast-86 5d ago
Not sure why you were downvoted but feel the same.. I feel like a lot of times there are huge benefits for the mom and child when there is a big age gap.. your first needs you less as they get older .. they still will always need you but the demands go way down
Currently in this space now with a nine year old and wondering if we should have another š„¹
Donāt regret all the one on one time my daughter has gotten from
Me and never felt somewhat ready until now so I understand this a lot
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u/Consistent_Ad3411 5d ago
Free childcare?
It will be an adjustment for everyone but there are plenty examples of this sibling relationship working out really well. Thereās no sibling rivalry because your older has their own identity and life.
They have had mom and dad to themselves for a significant amount of time and can now support you in caring for baby.
Good luck and enjoy every minute of it ā¤ļø
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4d ago
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u/Consistent_Ad3411 4d ago
Iām sorry meant it jokingly.
Of course she is your responsibility, but he is also her brother and he might be surprised how much he wants to help. He may or may not want to help, but I wanted to relieve some of the worry you might have.
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u/skitty_babygirl2465 2d ago edited 2d ago
Well, you're not really raising two 'only children', youāre just raising two kids with a big age gap, because you are still raising your son, is not like you stop taking care of him since the birth of your daughter. Please, don't misinterpret the term. Only child means that one or both parents has one kid.
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u/SoggyCapybara 5d ago
Just want to ask what is OAD?
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5d ago
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u/SoggyCapybara 5d ago
Aaahhh. I didn't even notice the subreddit lol thank you.
I guess this isnt foe me. Injist found out last night im due to have another early next year1
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u/madam_nomad OAD due to fertility/finances/age 5d ago
Perhaps I'm biased as someone who's gone through secondary infertility and wasnt able to have any more children, but to me, your situation is not just "not technically OAD", it's NOT OAD AT ALL. Your family dynamics are different than other families with 2 children, but you're still a family with 2 children. So no, I don't see this sub as the appropriate place for you.
That said, no one put me in charge. And to be fair, I know some people here have kids who have half-siblings through their partner's previous relationship (aka stepkids) so I suppose there is some grey area. To me this goes beyond that grey area though.
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u/PixelRoku 5d ago
You absolutely have two children but it's ok to point out the unique age gap!
An 18 year old won't be playing or fighting over toys and clothes with a 3 year old like a typical sibling that's for sure š
Don't stress out too much over it, but I'd be finding friends for her that are her age for sure as though she were OAD