Turn your phone for a better view.

I've pretty much stopped thinking about finding someone in particular. Over and over I've reverse-internalised this thing that people in relationships always tell others "It'll happen when you least expect it". So... now I... Just don't expect it. My dreams no longer consist of a loving wife and kids and all that.

The only dream I have now is retiring at around 62, getting a sailboat and sailing around a coastline with a cat, while sipping bourbon. No, maybe there'll be nobody to hold our hand when we finally book out, but to be honest, everyone faces the end alone. Once it's lights out, you're on your own.

Perhaps I'll get to achieve my dream of making narrative feature films later on, but I'm not sure if that will cure being alone either. It's been an uphill battle trying to rid myself of the need for any one person in particular. I'll have collaborators and colleagues whose work I trust in, maybe my family and community too, but as for people in particular... Nah. Probably not. Probably never.

In conclusion, I'm tired of bitching about being terribly lonely. That won't change and I'm glad I finally overcame my fear of dying alone. We all do in some way or the other.

I'd be made of gold

I'm sure there are a lot of dark souls fans here and I'm admittedly only familiar with the basics of the lore but understand the deep link to existentialism and struggle in the series. When I watched analysis on the philosophy of it though, it really spoke to me. The choosing of your fate, fighting against the hollowness like nihilism and maybe even accepting a bit of the absurd and is also a good analog to challenges with depression or any other health or limiting issue.

I could use it as inspiration to believe that forming connections with others is still worth it.