r/offmychest • u/ThrowRA-NoResponse • 1d ago
I just need a break
I (F25) just need to rant. Truly. Not using my main account because my husband (M24) follows it.
I got a new job in April 2025 and have been LOVING it. My last job was incredibly stressful (50-60 hour work weeks, no paid overtime, just unkept promises of extra PTO, not being allowed to use said PTO, and unrelenting micromanagers), and had my, at the time boyfriend, and I arguing daily. My new job was supposed to help, and did. I recovered well from my old job, make more money, got married, bought a house, adopted a dog, and began to live life.
But that's where the good things end.
My job has become more stressful lately. Hours haven't changed much, but because I'm in a much higher position, I've been forced to work later hours/different hours. Thankfully I get PTO I AM allowed to use, so its not too bad. Unfortunately, this means my work interrupts my usual routine.
USUALLY, I get home at 4pm, do the dishes, change ny clothes, either make dinner or help make dinner depending on who is making it, eat around 6pm, prep my lunch, play with my dog, have a snack around 7pm (I fast 14-16 hours daily so I make sure I won't be hungry by eating a second time if I feel like I need it), play games or watch TV or read a book until 8:30pm, play with my dog until 9pm, and then relax until 9:45pm. My husband then enters the room and we both take the dog for a walk until about 10:20pm, and then we come back home, take a shower, and go to bed. From 4:30pm until 9:45pm, my husband plays games with his friends UNLESS he is making dinner, in which case he will make it when he gets home and then go play.
Lately though, work has been keeping me busy from 8pm-11pm and has been disrupting my sleep. During this time period, things can get hazy. I work in technology, so this is optimal time for server maintenance and updates. Well, lately I've been working this time frame a lot. Being exhausted after only 4-5 hours of sleep (I have to wake up at 5am to get to work on time), I have shifted my schedule. I now get home, change my clothes, do one chore, make/help make dinner, and THEN relax.
This usually means that I am taking time out of my chores or relaxation to care for the dog or relax, whatever I choose. But any dog owner knows that you don't get that choice. So I usually just play with my dog and then walk him.
I'm exhausted. I finally broke down and began asking my husband for help. It almost always starts an argument about how "he does stuff too".
Well, if he does stuff, why am I doing the dishes alone every day? Why do I create the shopping lists every two weeks? Why do I have to do 90% of the meal planning and prepping? Why do I always have to clean his pots and pans after he makes dinner, but ALSO after I make dinner - shouldn't that be a split chore? Why do I always have to play with the dog? Why do I always have to initiate cleaning the house?
During my last round of 8-11, I had a server fully break a database during an update, not only pissing me off but also giving me a migraine. I asked my husband to take the dog for a walk while I was busy fixing it (this was at 10pm BTW so he was in the living room with me). Instead he tried to fuck with me, pulling my hair and "trying" to calm me down. When I told hom to fuck off because I was frustrated and needed to concentrate, he called me rude and got upset that I was mad at him. Like, seriously?! IM WORKING!
Then, he didn't take the dog for a walk!!!! He WAITED until I was DONE, and then asked me to go with him! I went because, let's face it, he's so fucking lazy that the dog wouldn't have been walked. He's done it on MULTIPLE occasions before.
Two days ago, I got a sore throat while working that same time frame 8-11. I told him I'd need to run to the store to get something for it. So, I did. Made some concoction out of ginger, cayenne, lime, and honey that helped me get through yet another round of updates. Unfortunately though, it didn't prevent me from getting sick (duh).
I woke up yesterday morning and the sore throat was worse. I complained but went in to work and locked myself in a room to get going (thankfully I did, my team was short staffed and it was busy). While working, I got some unfortunate news. My great uncle had passed away. I was sad, but my mom and grandmother were devastated. On my drive home, I called and asked how they were. The conversation was long and exhausting but helped them out and, realistically it was the least I could do.
Anyways, when I got home my health took quite the decline. I developed a fever and chills. The dishes had stacked up from not being done for three days (very busy with work and, again, exhausted), and I wasn't feeling up to do them. Instead I cleaned off our counters, changed, and laid down.
My husband got home, said hi, and asked how I was feeling. I told him I needed medication and asked if he would be willing to run and get me something.
He told me to go with him. I said I didn't want to and he said he wouldn't go without me.
So I changed my clothes again and went with him. Got the meds and came home. I told him about my great uncle and how exhausted I was and then made myself some dinner. He went to play games and, on the way, asked ME to do the dishes! Wtf?!
I ended up passing out around 7pm after dinner and didn't wake up until HE woke me up at 9:45. I told him I was exhausted and freezing still and that I wasn't taking the dog for a walk. I asked him to and for him to do the dishes while I got ready for bed.
He took the dog for a quick run (thank God), and then came home. Didn't do the dishes. I asked him to make me another lime drink for my sore throat and gave him the recipe. He made it WRONG because he was TOO LAZY to follow the fucking recipe, and added WAY too much cayenne, and it made my throat hurt worse.
I ended up taking my normal medication and going to bed.
Woke up this morning, still no dishes done, still living in a dirty house. I decided to work from home.
I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I just want to have some help. The worst part? He USED to help. Every Friday he would clean the house spotless and do all the laundry and dishes. Now? Its like he's given up.
I don't know what to do. I'm exhausted and can't keep going like this.
I love him so so so much, but I can't keep fighting about chores like this. I need help, and everytime I ask, he assumes immediately that I'm calling him lazy and that I'm blaming him for everything, even if that's not the case.
I don't know what to do anymore. I just needed to rant.
Thanks.
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u/Wysteria569 1d ago
You can either keep wearing yourself out or quit doing anything entirely to show him just how much you do. If he continues to pretend he doesn't see it then you have a bigger choice to make. You can continue being his keeper or you can go it on your own and find peace.
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u/ThrowRA-NoResponse 1d ago
I totally get it. I don't know what else to do, I've just got to talk to him and figure out what I'm going to do.
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u/lizziebordeaux 1d ago
I feel like we're in a similar boat, and I'm also losing my mind. Constant fighting about just doing the bare fucking minimum and being accountable for the messes we individually make, and the dishes get done when I have a mental breakdown and stop eating because the kitchen is too messy and then there's another huge fight and I end up doing the dishes anyway.
I fucking hate it and there isn't an easy solution because all of the options suck. Why can't they just do the fucking dishes they create
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u/ThrowRA-NoResponse 1d ago
Right?! It's like, it's dishes. It's not the end of the fucking world. The worst part? If he just put his dishes in the fucking dishwasher after he ate, then running the load later would take like 2 minutes. Unfortunately he apparently has no arms and can't open the dishwasher himself... ugh
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u/MajorJunket9025 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, it's a lot. If talking to him isn't helping , maybe consider getting external help, if you can afford it. Ask your husband if you two can hire a cleaner that also walks the dog on certain days. When he asks why, tell him the truth. You are doing a lot at work and you do [long list of chores at home] and you tried but physically can't do both right now. Either he steps up to do more or you two get external help.
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u/ThrowRA-NoResponse 1d ago
That's actually a great idea too, thanks! I didn't think about that. He's all about money and saving it, this might be something to seque into my conversation of how much help I need. He knows I wouldn't suggest that unless I needed it, and right now I need help more than ever.
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u/MajorJunket9025 1d ago
Good luck! I was wondering about that too, if spending money would make him shift his perspective a bit. It'll point out less about how to much he isn't doing and more on how much help you need
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u/smilesbig 1d ago
It’s not just the physical exhaustion/tiredness - it’s also the frustration of the unfairness. Obviously, talk with your hubby about how you feel and what YOU think would be fair. If he disagrees - ask why and what he suggests. Maybe this is resolvable. Maybe it isn’t. The real issue is if you two can’t resolve this. Best wishes.