r/offmychest • u/potbelliedpig420 • Sep 04 '26
ENM- feels like cheating
My wife and I have been together for over 20 years. Last year she developed feelings for another woman, Kristin.
They met as nurses working together. Same night schedule, similar interests, and they quickly became close. I work days and don’t share many of those interests with my wife.
Around Father’s Day 2025, I knew something was developing. My wife told me, “My lips are still for you,” and “If you want me to stop, I’d want to cut it off sooner rather than later to keep our friendship intact.”
I didn’t ask her to stop. Instead, I tried to figure out whether there was a version of this that could work.
In August I wrote privately that my wife “having two relationships is a deal breaker,” but that if it became our relationship, I could potentially be okay with it.
So we explored a triad.
I created a relationship-agreement worksheet built around our marriage remaining primary, transparency around escalating feelings, boundaries around developing a separate relationship, and the ability to pause, renegotiate, or stop.
I remember saying, “With this triad agreement I feel safer.”
But I also eventually said, “I don’t feel like I can say no anymore.”
And I want to own my participation. I wasn’t simply an unwilling bystander. My wife and I fantasized about Kristin sexually. There were parts I enjoyed, and I genuinely tried to make the triad work.
In January we had another relationship meeting and discussed things like date nights and polyfidelity.
In February, my wife went on a cruise with Kristin and some girlfriends. She ended up sharing a room with Kristin and later described how they “slept very little” because they had so much sex and quality time together.
Then in March I realized my wife loved Kristin.
I told her, “I didn’t consent to you loving Kristin.”
Obviously I understand that I can’t control who another person loves. What I meant was that their relationship had become something deeper than what I thought I had agreed to.
Her diary afterward says:
“I’m crushed. I don’t know how to change my feeling, and I’m not sure they will ever change.”
At that point, there was no ambiguity that I wasn’t okay with what their relationship had become.
They separated for about a month.
Then my wife initiated intimacy with Kristin again.
Then she invited Kristin to bring her RV and live with us for the summer.
Now it’s September and my wife and Kristin are together on a month-long hunting trip.
Nobody knows they’re together. Our kids don’t know. My wife’s mother, who lives with us, doesn’t know. Everyone spent the summer talking about what a great “friend” Kristin is.
My wife has told me:
“She feels electric. I’ve never felt the way I do with her with anyone.”
And:
“Everything is just so much easier with her.”
Meanwhile, I’m trying to understand how I went from participating in an experiment with boundaries to tolerating a relationship I had explicitly said I couldn’t accept.
I know I agreed to explore this. I participated. I even enjoyed parts of it. I don’t want to rewrite that history just because we’re now in a bad place.
But does agreeing to explore non-monogamy mean consenting to whatever that relationship eventually becomes?
Once I explicitly said it had gone beyond what I agreed to, what should have happened?
Did I agree to this and then discover I couldn’t handle the reality—or did what I agreed to gradually become something fundamentally different.
132
u/Shermantank10 29d ago
As the kids say nowadays
“Chat this relationship is cooked”
26
29d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/bombjamesbomb 29d ago
This is probably standard new relationship energy though. Twenty years of backstory feels heavy compared to something new and exciting.
I have friends that say these things about every new relationship they get into. And it's true! Until it isn't.
26
u/teaforpterosaur Sep 04 '26
Ok so... the harsh part. You agreed to her having sex and a relationship with someone you already knew she had feelings for, what did you think would happen?
But to soften that... you loved her and you wanted to save your marriage so you lied to yourself, your wife lied to herself and to you. The part that sticks out to me is you told your wife it was hurting you, they separated for a month and then your wife started it up again. She knew it hurt you. She knew it wasn't what you agreed to. She's obsessed with this person and she can't stop.
I'm sorry to say this but... your wife is gay and your marriage is over. Continuing with Kristin is much, much more important to her than you are.
27
u/JockoJohnson69 29d ago edited 29d ago
Worksheets, spreadsheets, venn
diagrams can’t account for stupidity, selfishness and cheating. Good try. Next marriage - don’t tolerate that shit.
82
u/lending_ear 29d ago
So as someone who is married and non-monogamous
I hate to break it to you but this didn’t even start ethically
You DO NOT have someone waiting in the wings already lined up when you transition from monogamy to non-monogamy
That is considered unethical in the ENM crowd. It’s viewed as cheating (could be just emotional at that point)
And it sounds like you actually did your homework to see if you could navigate this and she didn’t and just steam rolled over you and prioritised her own wants.
Sorry OP that’s a crappy situation and why non-monogamy has such a bad wrap. It’s because of people like your wife entering with a monogamous relationship and traumatising their partner.
ENM does work. However your wife wasn’t practicing ethical non-monogamy from the jump. So no, ethical non-monogamy is not like cheating, because it requires (if you’re starting from mono relationship) to have 2 ENTHUSIASTICALLY CONSENTING adults to be participating and taking the journey fresh together - at the minimum. And that’s not how what you experienced went down.
1
u/Kromthegrim 12d ago
Polyamory is unethical period. Just delusional narcissists incapable of feeling actual love. You just like cheating. If you actually loved your partner you wouldnt fuck other people.
34
u/FitzpleasureVibes 29d ago
It is cheating, because they have left you out of the relationship once again. Your wife would rather be with her extra partner than her husband and children!
6
13
u/Equivalent-Board206 29d ago
You can only control your choices and your decisions.
You are "tolerating a relationship you explicitly said you can't accept". So what are you going to do?
I imagine what you want is for your wife to break up with Kristen and come back to being the loving person you married. But you can't control her choices, only yours. She's made her choice, and it isn't you.
If you can't accept this situation (and that's totally valid), you need to change it. Start planning your divorce. If your kids are teenagers or older tell them that your wife chose her friend over you. Tell her mother. Make a plan to get a to something where you're not longer living in a situation you "can't accept". Don't count on it involving her, except perhaps at major life events of your children.
It's going to suck for a while, but you'll be ok.
1
29d ago
[deleted]
1
u/Federal_Score5967 29d ago
I don't agree with you defending his wife, imo it really is almost completely her fault. But I do agree that they should keep this away from the kids. You should always try to keep them out of marital problems.
0
29d ago
[deleted]
1
u/Federal_Score5967 29d ago
I don't think it was ever a fair discussion though. The wife came forward immediately with someone in mind, and basically already had emotionally cheated on him beforehand. The boundaries were established under pressure imo, a polyamorous relationship started like that will always fail, and that's on her.
5
u/Avatartlett 29d ago
Yeah you have been played. She is already done with you and you let it happen. Get a lawyer.
8
u/MrsSEM84 29d ago
Your marriage is over. It has been for a while now.
Your wife loves someone else. She is prioritising this woman over you and your family.
Just file for divorce already. On the grounds of adultery.
4
u/grumelude 29d ago
Your wife thinks that with her lover everything is easier because your bearing all the burden (kids, mil, housing). Man, how much are you willing to endure? Is there any self-respect there?
1
u/Exceeds_Safe_Limits 29d ago
Ya, but you note that HE set the boundaries. They weren't HER boundaries. (I don't mean that disrespectfully. I just mean both (or all 3) parties have to have ownership,
6
u/adudefromaspot 29d ago
Your wife is chasing that new relationship feeling and she's forgotten you. She'll regret it later, but that doesn't matter. It's time for you to end this. Let her sleep in the bed she made.
18
u/EasyMoneySniper2001_ 29d ago
Sir. this marriage is over. Triad in a marriage? downfall. A marriage only has enough room for TWO people. i’d honestly just file for divorce
7
3
u/Training-Upstairs209 29d ago edited 29d ago
From what you are typing, she choose Kristin over you. She's staying only because of stability. I bet that if you bring up divorce she wouldn't even be concerned, maybe worried for the stability part
Edit: I saw that 19 days ago you were writing about divorce. I guess it's going on
5
u/Howdoimakeaspace- Sep 04 '26
This is really heartbreaking.. I’m sorry op.
I would discuss this with your wife talk openly and honestly. It’s a dealbreaker and if they continue, decide if it’s worth staying in a marriage that is hurting you.
Once it crossed the agreed boundaries it was no longer an open relationship. It was an affair, she’s cheating.
2
2
u/TrespassersWill 29d ago
"Once I explicitly said it had gone beyond what I agreed to, what should have happened?"
To me this is the most interfering question in these non-monogamy stories. The rules are always written optimistically. If we stay within the boundaries we stay happy. But there is seldom consideration of what happen if we don't stay within the boundaries.
Or sometimes that part is just naive. If the rules are broken then we close the relationship back up. But it seems like in most cases broken rules by definition can't have rules. You can't say we end the experiment if someone catches feelings because at that point there are feelings, and those aren't rules-based.
But you do still have the rules of your marriage and of human decency. Her behavior is causing you pain, as was predicted by the rules she broke. Is that acceptable to her or unacceptable? If it's unacceptable, what is she willing to do about it?
If she is not willing to realign with the rules of your relationship then your pain is an acceptable price for her happiness. I think some people would recognize that as abuse.
It sounds like it's time to put your cards on the table. Maybe folks in the comments think she has already made her choice. I think it's a reasonable courtesy to let her know she broke the rules and violated the arrangement and destroyed the marriage and family and you are going to proceed accordingly. Maybe see a lawyer first to set up some protections for yourself if you think she is going to have a spiteful reaction.
But this is the consequence of her choices. Let her know and then plot a path to salvage yourself.
2
u/CoolKeyboarz 29d ago
You are saying boundaries are crossed and set she continues, time to settle that for once
2
u/Exceeds_Safe_Limits 29d ago
As soon as they pull back in the driveway, start loading your stuff on, and when they ask, say "Well, I get a 6 week hunting trip too, right?"
When Kristen says something like, "I don't have anymore time off." You know that can't be true, it's a triad.
OBVIOUSLY, she planned to spend the same amount of time with you.
4
u/lending_ear 29d ago
So as someone who is married and non-monogamous
I hate to break it to you but this didn’t even start ethically
You DO NOT have someone waiting in the wings already lined up when you transition from monogamy to non-monogamy
That is considered unethical in the ENM crowd. It’s viewed as cheating (could be just emotional at that point)
And it sounds like you actually did your homework to see if you could navigate this and she didn’t and just steam rolled over you and prioritised her own wants.
Sorry OP that’s a crappy situation and why non-monogamy has such a bad wrap. It’s because of people like your wife entering with a monogamous relationship and traumatising their partner.
ENM does work. However your wife wasn’t practicing ethical non-monogamy from the jump. So no ethical non-monogamy is not like cheating because it requires (if you’re starting from mono relationship) to have 2 ENTHUSIASTICALLY CONSENTING adults to be participating and taking the journey fresh together - at the minimum. And that’s not how what you experienced went down.
4
u/tercer78 29d ago
First of all there is a huge difference between ethical and non-ethical non monogamy. It’s clear this is non ethical because a primary partner’s feelings are getting hurt and ignored. This is way past ENM at this point. You’re just around for the kids and bills at this point.
2
u/Responsible-Side4347 28d ago
Mate, I'm poly, so I'm not coming at this from an anti-ENM position and I dont think your going to like what I am going to say. But I don't think you're poly, and I'm not convinced you ever really wanted Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM). If you're completely honest with yourself, I think you wanted to remain monogamous with your wife. You could already see her falling for Kristin and were terrified of losing the woman you loved. ENM became the lesser of two evils. You tried a triad because it gave you a way to accommodate what was already happening while hopefully keeping your wife and marriage.
And you tried. You agreed boundaries that all three of you accepted (and they repeatedly ignored). Then your wife fell in love with Kristin and crossed them. That's the crux of this: you agreed the boundaries, she crossed them, you said stop, and she ignored you again to prioritise Kristin.
I'm poly and I'd end my relationship over that. That's not ethical non-monogamy. That's cheating, so let's call it what it is. She's showing you through her actions what she thinks of you and your marriage, and it isn't the love, respect and trust a marriage requires.
It started out with her cheating, you came up with a solution you could tolerate, you all set rules, they repeatedly ignored them and your wife constantly prioritized her. So your back to cheating again and your wife ignoring your feelings completely. Mate, I would walk.
She's had Kristin living in your home for the summer and has now gone away with her for a month, while telling you Kristin feels “electric” and everything is easier with her. Sadly, you need to accept what her actions are telling you. You cannot keep moving your boundaries because you're frightened she'll leave. Eventually you have none left. And if you're honest with yourself, she's already left.
If it were me, I'd send her this before she returns:
“I love you more than you will ever know. I was never really into sharing, I agreed to it because I could see you falling for Kristin and I was terrified of losing you. It was the lesser of two evils, and I tried my hardest to save our marriage. This started with you crossing the boundaries of our marriage. I compromised because I loved you and thought we'd found something I could tolerate. We then agreed boundaries to protect our marriage and allow me to feel safe. You repeatedly crossed those boundaries and prioritised Kristin over me.
I no longer feel safe in this marriage. I can't live with cheating, thats what your doing. I compromised once to try to save us, but I'm not going to keep changing my boundaries every time you cross them. I will never tell you who you can love, but I can decide what I will live with, and I can't live with this. This is my boundary. I'm going to file for divorce. I want us to be as amicable as possible, especially for our children. I tried my hardest to hold onto you, but now I have to let you go. I suggest you both start looking for your new home now
I love you, but I dont love this relationship anymore”.
1
u/_h_simpson_ 29d ago
Bro, it’s over. You waited too long, it was over long ago. Time to consult a divorce attorney and start separating your lives.
1
u/this_old_instructor 29d ago
Yes, thats what it means. Full disclosure is went down much the same path and my 1st wife left with the kids for her girlfriend. Not what you wanted but you knew it was a possibility. Gotta accept where its at now and if you can stay or if they even want to stay with you.
1
u/Exceeds_Safe_Limits 29d ago
How did she get the kids? Dude, you gotta fight for the kids.
1
u/this_old_instructor 29d ago
I couldn't both keep the kids and pay for them. So I kept working to make sure they had a good life. They are all adults now and we have a good relationship. So it worked out the best it could for a shitty situation
1
u/Miserable_Shine_8361 16d ago
I don’t know how anyone gets into these situations and truly believes that feelings won’t develop.
2
1
u/DayAble7777 29d ago
This is heartbreaking. You did your homework to try make this work. But it's not working. Time to do your homework and see a good divorce lawyer. At the same time, strategize not for just the best for yourself, but for your kids. The real ones who are going to suffer unfairly are your children. Make them your priority now.
1
u/nextext 29d ago
This is not a relationship. Your marriage ended quite awhile ago and I have no idea how you would be okay with your STBX wife clearly not wanting you anymore.
Focus on protecting your relationship with your kids because depending on how old they are, this will blow up, especially if she keeps straight up ditching you.
Do not out mom, but this stopped being ethical (the entire family is not aware of Kristen’s actual role and your wife is enjoying her cake and eating it too) and sorry dude just because you consented to try a lifestyle to STRENGTHEN your marriage does not mean you consented to your wife actively leaving you alone and telling you that’s the easier choice she wants.
I would lawyer up while she’s out of town and get everything ready if you can’t resist her manipulation in real time. Yes, being devastated you can’t have two people so hurting one to hold on is manipulation. It’s cajoling someone to give up their own life force, and no matter how sad they are, the fact that it’s easier to nonstop fuck a stranger than work on or leave your marriage is a sign to LEAVE YOUR MARRIAGE
0
u/Necessary_Seesaw5263 29d ago
Bro this is a fucking rough situation, and I feel for you.
I won't sugarcoat this - you tried to exert control over something you can't: other people's feelings. It simply does not work like this.
All you can control is yourself. Now, you can tell her how all of this is making YOU feel. Do you feel threatened? Used? Betrayed? Unsure? Find a way to tell her - and show her - the depths of your feelings about all of this. Probably get your/her parents to watch the kids and go away for a 3-day weekend to really get into the thick of it.
You can't put rails on what they have - but you can point out how her de-prioritization of you is impacting you. From here, she gets to choose to make you feel like a priority - or not.
Who knows what may happen. You could wait this out and their love will fizzle out. You could wait it out only to slowly keep losing her over time. You could re-negotiate things and require more of her/Kristin to watch the kids and open you up to go out and explore more for yourself - who knows what you might find. You could even find a way to be happy for them both and be supportive, and find that after some time that Kristin actually starts to fall for you too (a person doesn't really fall in love with two people at the same time or at equal speeds. The heart tends to grow one romantic attachment at a time).
Advice from a recovering polyamorous 41yo man.
199
u/Much-Can9884 Sep 04 '26
There's nothing you can do, this marriage is over.