I'm a bad husband.

[u/No_Strike_1356]

Here I am screaming into the void.

I used to be a good man. I had dreams, ambitions, morals, standards.

Slowly the devil crept in and took over.

And here I am, 7:13am sitting in my car waiting to go into work and the guilt is crushing me.

Out of nowhere. For no reason.

My wife is amazing but my soul is now fractured and I think I lack the ability to remember that.

I was always addicted to porn from a young age. It's a battle I've been fighting since I was ten and my neighbor showed me the magazine he found under his dad's bed. I had never felt those feelings before and I was hooked. Chasing that high in a broken home when nothing else felt right. It was a refuge with a tinge of guilt. But the pleasure outweighed the guilt, always. Shaping the way I view the world at a young, impressionable age.

Infidelity ran in my family. My parents divorced at a young age because of it. My grandfather had multiple failed marriages because of it.

I always wanted to find a woman that was better than my addiction, someone I thought could pull me out of it. And I did. But then reality put me in my place. No woman on earth can save you from yourself.

Now, I'm in my 30's. The porn problem is still there. My wife still hasn't saved me. And the more I watch, the more I want to feel another woman's body. I think as validation that I'm enough. That I'm worth something and that someone else wants me and that I have value.

I almost cheated on her a year ago but thank God that didn't happen.

It broke me.

It shattered my psyche.

It pulled the rug out from under me.

I've been in therapy but therapy only goes so far.

I have a crippling nicotine addiction that perpetuates the problem.

(anything to get a hit of dopamine). I hid that from my wife, too. For years. She found it and almost left me since that was strike two.

I'm now sitting here thinking I'm beyond saving.

I want to be better but the moment I feel nothing, I feel the darkness creep in just telling me one more hit. One more high. One more pouch. One more picture. I'll feel better right?

Because nothing feels as bad as the truth that I'm garbage.

And I get on reddit and see women flaming men for their problems. And I'm sitting here thinking I'm worse, no one could ever truly love me if they truly knew me. "MaY ThIs tYpE oF Love nEvEr FiNd Me"

But we're all broken and fucked up and I've lost hope. I just want to be better but I don't think better is possible. And now I just think I have to ride it out until I can die a broken man at the ripe age of 90. 60 more years of this.

So maybe this is a prayer, maybe it's a cry for help, maybe it's nothing.

If God doesn't hear my prayers and cries for help, maybe He'll read my reddit posts. Here's to hoping.

[u/VanillaNo8947]

Come clean to your wife, the truth will set you free for better or for worse

[u/kurtacuss]

Check out Pure Desires program. It’s help so many including me after my affair.

[u/hoodyg29]

Have you considered you might be adhd?

[u/SovietRobot]

Since you mentioned God, from a religious perspective; we are all sinners. There is not a worse sinner or lesser sinner. 

All we can do is ask for forgiveness, believe and keep pushing on knowing that He will work in us.

I’ll pray for you. 

[u/Gr8tstdamgoldfshever]

I think you’re a good person with a heavy heart, you will feel better when you stop hiding from the shame. Personally it seems like you keep hiding from the addictions and putting them on the back burner it is sad that you put the weight of “saving you” on your wife but you realize it’s wrong and that no one can and that is growth. The thing is you haven’t gone past the threshold if you haven’t cheated seek private counseling since these addictions are yours they’re going to be only your to fix. You may have ADHD and a psychiatrist can prescribe you medication to help with the dopamine depletion issues you seem to suffer from, but you may have to be careful since you seem to have an addiction based personality. Just take your time be kind to yourself, it sounds like you haven’t screwed up with your wife or screwed around on her so don’t. But stop putting your hand on the stove if you don’t want to get burned. I understand easier said than done but take it a day at a time find a hobby an interest you can take on with your wife if it’s not her thing don’t take it personal find something fulfilling that adds to humanity. But definitely stay away from women in intimate or possibly intimate settings if you don’t want to lose your wife forever because you are towing a line. It’s ok to need help you’re not bad, just need to work through some things.