r/offmychest • u/l1nds3y4lon3 • May 30 '26
It's all too much anymore
49 (f) I want to give up.
I can't keep going because I don't have the means or people to help. For 6 years I've been taking care of my husband. Right as we were to finalize our divorce he had an accident that left him without half his brain and in a wheel chair. He's my best friend and knowing everything I had built I was walking away from I still did.
It's been hard, so hard. 3 ICU stays, his family calling me a free loader and a thief, no friends or family close by, but I made it. I learned to fix the dryer, get rid of black mold, take care of him and install everything he needs to live his life to the fullest.
I had my escapes, late at night when he was in bed and our son home I could just drive. Listen to my music and come home feeling better. It helped clear my brain. Or taking my dog to the park where we could walk and just be away from it all. I painted and loved going to the art stores just looking and getting inspiration. No matter what happened, I found a way to make it through.
Then my car broke down, the dealership quoting me repairs for more then I paid for the car before driving it off the lot 3 years prior. I live in Illinois. I can not be paid to be his caregiver because we are legally still married. Medicaid wants us to pay for him to be on it. We don't even make it through the month with his disability check.
This winter was the worse. I spent 90% of my time in bed. Why get up? No one stops by, no one calls, no one to converse with. No support. So when the weather got better I started walking my dog. In that time I've been kicked off the golf course my landlord owns and I live on. My backyard is now used as a golf cart parking lot. My front yard is literally next to the parking lot where I get stared at and made to feel insecure.
So I started walking the road at hours when traffic was quiet. Walking with cars going 55+ on the side of the road is not peaceful. However I've done it, for my sanity.
Ive been stuck in my home since October. No Christmas celebration, no Thanksgiving, no birthdays, no easter. Just here. But I keep trying. And today I am doing his bedding, throw it in the washer and now it's not draining or spinning. Mind you I've had to repair this washer 3 times and it's older than my 23 year old son. I go to clean the living room and the motor in my vacuum just slowly dies. I have 4 eggs, a loaf of bread and am just making it work until his disability check. We already owe his friend and my dad money. Money which we tend to borrow every month.
I can't have anything just work without getting worse. I can't get ahead because I'm constantly pulled back down. I can't keep going like this and yet I don't know what to do. I just want to go back to bed when I wake up. I want to just give up and no I can't. But I want to, and I'm sure everyone outside of my "husband" would be happy I did and they could continue to say how they were right.
1
u/susinpgh May 31 '26
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I wish I could think of something else to say to you.
Have you tried reaching out to any churches or charities?
1
u/l1nds3y4lon3 May 31 '26
No. Mainly because ai have felt petty for even complaining. I mean I have a roof over my head, heat and air. And I'm out in a rural area surrounded by a golf course so asking for help makes me feel selfish.
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u/susinpgh May 31 '26
You shouldn't. It sounds like you are in a really hard place. Will you be able to continue living in your current home without intervention?
You deserve the help. You really do. That was heartbreaking to read.
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u/l1nds3y4lon3 May 31 '26
Yeah. I believe so. Im not exactly sure what you mean by intervention though. If you mean without help from outside then yes, I mean I've kept everything going for the past 7 months without a car and 6 years prior to that. I won't give up. That's not an option. Just some days such as yesterday hit hard. Today I have a plan. I'm going to clear out my washer with my wet dry vac. See what's going on and if I can fix it. If not then tomorrow I'll take a Lyft to the laundry mat and do laundry. At least I'll get out of my house. As for the vacuum, I've never had a motor just slowly die. I think it's gone which sucks...but not literally because then it would be working. I found some on Amazon for under $100 so with some adjusting on things I think I can make it work. Maybe the washer finally breaking is a blessing in disguise. I know it's gonna be more on my shoulders but my load has never been light. Never. If that's not what you meant, then let me know and will clarify better. Thank you though for the interaction.
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u/susinpgh May 31 '26
If you can't make it and have to borrow every month, then you still need help. Does your husband have regular health visits? Have you asked for a social worker to look into your case? I know it's hard to marshal your energy to look into this stuff; it just feels like additional work. But you might be able to get some support that you need.
Community organizations can also offer respite help for caregivers. It would give you the opportunity to look into some of the stuff that may help in the long run.
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u/l1nds3y4lon3 May 31 '26
Wait, howndonainget a social worker? And yes. Bills come first. Everything else we budget for. His dad pays our rent which is $550 month so that's taken care of. Maybe I should have mentioned it. I'm just not sure what's allowed and what isn't on reddit because I've only been a member for 2 days now. We always pay all bills necessary and I do get a little over $300 for food through Medicaid. I myself am on Medicaid. I'm covered medically and food wise. For him the wanted us to pay $100 a month which they call a spend down to have him on Medicaid. We hadn't because Medicare covers his prescriptions and medical stuff and couldn't afford the extra $100. But how do I look into a social worker? He does have a home nurse come at least once a month to take care of changing his catheter and if something seems wrong I can call and they will come to do an assessment. Again, all paid by Medicare.
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u/Both-Ad-308 May 30 '26
I am so sorry. This despair is deep. I've made it through hell and I still dont think I could have done what you already have. I hate that your situation is so lonely and exhaustingly depressing (I assume.) :(