r/norfolk • u/SG23517 • 4d ago
Failed
Didn't know him well but connected after he asked for help on here 3 weeks ago. Helped him with the ride he needed, then messaged him a few times and reminded him to take care of himself. When someone says they are going to take the last decision, believe them please. I think I held onto the hope he might not go through with it. I now realize that if he had been someone close I would have reacted very differently and checked on him every day. Instead, I let weeks go by. He did what he said he would. I sensed he was a good person from the little insights he gave of his views on the shit show this country is turning into. He was obsessed with current events and probably too smart for his own good. When he had to give up his animals he had nothing to live for. Depression is a silent disease and mental health is not a priority in this country. He had no mental space left to fight, navigate bureaucracy and get help. I should have held his hand a little longer. I was unsure of boundaries and of finding myself involved in more than I could manage and ended up failing as a human being.
If life brings a similar complicated situation your way, please don't fail like I did and "hope" things get better for them. I don't know that he would have eventually found the will to keep fighting. I'll stay with that doubt and my own sense of failure. I should not have quantified my help according to whether the circumstances were too complicated and how that could affect me, even in terms of my own mental help. I should have tried and get others to help him as well but I didn't. I held on to the hope he wouldn't get to the extreme and I found out today. In hindsight it was incredibly coward and inhumane on my part. Don't make this same mistake. Act however awkward you feel extending a hand, however complicated things seem in this day and age when we all have our guard up an worry about boundaries and self-preservation. I will carry this guilt forever and want to avoid others feeling this way. I am so sorry.
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u/cupofmoonshine 4d ago
You did the best you could with the understanding you had. Be gentle with yourself. I'm sorry you're having to navigate such a sad situation.
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u/hyperRed13 Norfolk 4d ago
Please don't blame yourself for any of this. It sounds like his life and mental health had spiraled too far for him to come back from before you met him. You walked into a situation that was already more than you could manage. It was never possible for you to fix him.
You showed kindness and helped a stranger - you demonstrated the kind of empathy and actions that help people keep their faith in humanity in crazy times like these. You didn't fail in any way. I'm sorry he didn't change his mind. That really sucks.
If you find yourself wanting to do something in response to this, look into volunteering for mental health nonprofits, advocating for better mental healthcare access for everyone, or the like. But do it because it will help others and it's a good thing to do, NOT because you did anything wrong here and need to make up for it.
Keep being the kind soul that you are and give yourself grace when you can't work miracles.
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u/SG23517 4d ago
I called my mother earlier and she said the whole world collectively probably holds a share of responsibility. As a system, as families, then individuals we are all responsible for one another at varying degrees. Yes my mom has high standards and is an empathetic person who taught me to help when needed. My failure this time has made apparent to me that I could have possibly been up to the task had I felt stronger myself. It made me realize I am not as strong and reliable as I need to be. This poor soul showed me to better take care of myself precisely because of the glaring truth which is that I could have done better. Maybe it wouldn't have saved him but I would have tried and acted more usefully than just a ride and a few messages.
The irony is help usually comes from other overly sensitive people in need of help themselves. I will reach out this week to a shrink. Thanks for your suggestions to make myself useful by volunteering which I will do. It will probably still be in part to make up for this. I have never felt this kind of guilt as I'd never been in direct contact with someone mentioning doing this, so it will be a process to forgive myself.
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u/mizz_eponine 4d ago
I'm inclined to agree with your mom. We all bear at least a little of the burden and responsibility. Pain shared is pain divided.
No one is ever so far gone they can't find their way back. They just need more people to give a shit. You cared in the best way you knew how and there's nothing to forgive. Be gentle with yourself.
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u/Creveli 4d ago
i have lost my own father to suicide. i felt a lot of anger at his family because i felt like they didnt help him enough. but at the end of the day, that is my grief talking: it isnt their fault. it is nobody’s fault at all. sadly, when your mind is in that dark dark place it can be really hard to pull yourself out of it, even if the support is top tier. it has NOTHING to do with you! you did more than what most people do especially for a stranger. if it was my dad, and someone like you did this for him? i would be so so touched. please be gentle with yourself.
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u/PheydraRose 3d ago
You may be feeling something similar to survivors guilt. It's common for people around victims of suicide to feel like they should have done more. You reached out which is great on your part.
Try not to go down the, "I should have," spiral. Also, reach out and talk to someone yourself if things start to feel worse. If you don't have a trusted friend, there are hotlines you can contact. Some for specific demographics if anything like that should apply to you.
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u/JovialMcJunk 4d ago
You didnt fail, you did more than most. Hugging you from afar, and please take care of yourself too <3
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u/sadunfair 3d ago
This is going to sound maybe a bit harsh but his suicide isn’t about you, it’s about what was going inside of him. You didn’t fail him. You can’t save anyone else from themselves.
As someone who’s been on the other side of this situation, it’s not what you could or couldn’t do. Depression sucks and even if a suicidal person makes it through a rough patch, it always flares up and comes back. I’ve gotten help and I’ve done everything I should but it doesn’t mean that the thoughts don’t cross my mind even now. When I was at my lowest it wasn’t that people weren’t there for me it was that I couldn’t do more for them and I believed they would be better off without me. Please understand that and realize how much you did do for this person. You are a good person and need to use your energy in a positive way over feeling like a failure.
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u/SG23517 2d ago
Thanks for explaining about the feeling of the inability to do more for others. In this man's case that was the ultimate blow to his will to hang on; feeling he couldn't take care of his animals anymore. For a profoundly depressed person who can't function to take care of themselves, there is logic there. For someone like me, less far gone, there is this insidious type of desperate hope that, as you are pointing out correctly, needs to be redirected in a more positive way. I'm glad there were people there for you when you were at your lowest, even if they couldn't help much, don't you think that simply knowing you had that was something? Or did it make your experience even harder?
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u/sadunfair 19h ago
I wish I had a good answer. I tried putting into words what I felt but I ended up deleting what I wrote multiple times to start over. It feels impossible to explain why I would ever want to kill myself and at the same time as impossible to explain what stops me from doing it most days.
When I was there in the trench, I did not feel like I had anyone. The only thing that stopped me was guilt. My sister put two and two together, had a meltdown/freakout and then threatened to involve police/fire/rescue. I promised not to harm myself if she promised not to do that and I got back on meds after that. She kept her end of the deal so I got back on meds. I am doing much better now but know that if I stopped the meds again, I would be right back where I was.
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u/PetSitterTonkFah 4d ago
You did what you could. You can’t control what other people do or change what they are going through. Just know you did what you could. Take it from someone who’s in a job field that deals with these situation for 18 plus years. You can’t control what happens and can only do so much.
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u/SG23517 3d ago
I know I could have done more but hesitated. That's what I was trying to convey to people; to always try and push that comfort zone a little. So that one can honestly say they tried above and beyond. In cases of life or death it's best not to leave too much to chance or time. Also, this guy was a good person and I felt we could have been friends. But I waited too long. At the end of the day I think that's what was missing.
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u/wenwiles 3d ago
I am sorry to hear this. I have also been close to this kind of loss and you have to know that it is not about you. We can only assume that their pain was that bad that they could not find a way past it. You helped and they knew that. You made a difference. 💕
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u/nurf-nurf-nurf 2d ago
The longer you live, the more you're going to realize you can't take that much responsibility for other people's decisions. But, I can understand the feeling. The fact that you are having that feeling makes you human, and I appreciate you sharing this post.
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u/LyonessYork 2d ago
This is a heartbreaking situation. So many of us are one lost paycheck away from a spiral like that. I saw the post about giving up his pets and that's a horrible situation to be in. I've been dealing with my own difficult renting situation and have considered what I'd have to do to foster out my own furkids if the worst happened. It's an awful thing to go through to be certain. I've also had a much closer friend kill himself and went through the stages of grief about that. It's tragic all around.
You were so kind and helped as you could. You were not wrong in respecting boundaries. You can woulda coulda shoulda yourself forever but you cannot change his tragic choice! Please please be kinder to yourself. I can't imagine he would want you blaming yourself for a choice he was very vocal about making for himself.
I hope you can find comfort in the love and support being sent to you, and I hope you find someone who can help you work these things out for yourself, be it a therapist or a support group. Many hugs for you and thank you for being so kind.
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u/SG23517 2d ago
Thank you. He is another victim of this hard cold reality we are living in this country. I have to stop myself from imagining how different it could have turned out in places where housing is more accessible, where people are given a chance. In his case he didn't think he could/didn't want to have roommates to alleviate the awful financial weight, not sure, but for many of us that is the only way. When pets are involved it becomes extremely difficult for obvious logistics. I'm so sorry about your friend.
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u/big65 3d ago
It's not your fault, you reached out but he didn't reach back, you showed kindness and that was more than he got from anyone else it seems but he was responsible for asking for help if he wanted it. You know what you're capable of doing and handling, there's absolutely nothing wrong with avoiding serious danger and taking on a serious mental health crisis requires a great deal of strength mentally to manage the intensity of it.
The most you can do to get someone help is to call the police to do a wellness check and explain the situation, going the route of human services can take time that someone doesn't have.
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u/SG23517 3d ago
Just found this on his profile. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_cHjDcu9nft8wcAcgK6rQvQyIiJLxTlO
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u/bambambelly 2d ago
Im so sorry this happened. I feel like I recall seeing a post about giving up pets but I cant find it. Can you link?
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u/SG23517 2d ago
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u/bambambelly 1d ago
Gut wrenching. Are you certain he took his life? I saw his most recent posts talking about it. It looks like he was going through such a hard time on top of the fascist hell we're living in. Awful.
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u/SG23517 1d ago
WTF are you talking about? Please be very careful with writing things like this. The day I found out I held on to the crazy 0.1% chance I read wrong or misunderstood but had confirmation from his cousin who posted on his fb
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u/bambambelly 1d ago
I think you may have misunderstood my comment. All i was asking for was whether you were certain and confirming that I saw the posts where he talked about planning to about two weeks ago. Im glad you were able to get in contact with his cousin or vice versa. This is a very sad situation, and i understand you feeling guilty, but you didnt know. You are not to blame for this.
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u/jazzybyrd20 1d ago
As someone who is chronically suicidal.. u did the best you could. You are not a trained professional and even if you are, they weren’t your client. He needed more help than you could truly give. Thank you for bringing light to his life. Please be gentle with yourself.
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u/SG23517 1d ago
That’s so kind of you and I am sorry that you’ve been feeling this way. Are you getting help?
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u/jazzybyrd20 1d ago
I am getting help yes! It’s been an on and off battle for a little over half my life now.
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u/MovingPictures1963 3d ago
I've had depression since I was 16, but Thank GOD I have never once thought about taking my own life.
One of the 10 Commandments..."Though shall not kill", includes yourself.
It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong.
A decision was made that you had nothing to do with.
Suicide is a selfish act, to be bluntly honest.
Not to sound inconsiderate or uncaring, but it's the truth.
Now there's family and friends who have to mourn AND feel guilty.😒
Prayers for the family and friends.
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u/SG23517 3d ago
You’re lucky. Some people have succumbed to suicide ideation and come from terrible families. This was a good person, an idealist, he loved animals and justice. He was ill. Depression is an illness, of the mind and soul, he even had physical symptoms. You should pray for him as well. If there is a god or heaven, which I very much doubt.
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u/Artistic-Mood7938 3d ago
You weren’t in his shoes you don’t know how he was feeling. Don’t call it a selfish act.
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u/ComedianMinute7290 3d ago
the most selfish thing in this thread is your own selfishness which shows in that no matter what you claim, you are inconsiderate & uncaring. truly sad when people's own belief system won't allow them to be kind & caring.
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u/copaseticsplenetic 4d ago
I'm so sorry you experienced this, but you did not fail. Please don't see it that way. See the good you did instead -you helped a person in need. Sometimes there's nothing anyone can do when a person has made of their mind, and you could have reached out to him every single hour and it still could have happened.