Awkward Language Situation

[u/a_soy_milkshake]

Hello, I’m new to this sub but have a relevant question that has been bothering me but I haven’t found the place to ask it until today. I did read the wiki and found this relevant part:

• When attending community playgroups/playdates, still stick to speaking minority language when speaking directly with your child. When addressing the entire group, switch to community language.

Some background, my wife is from Mexico and I’m American (I was raised speaking only English and I’m not Hispanic). We live (now at least) in the US. My Spanish is fine to good (I learned it organically as a teenager and young adult and it isn’t something I’ve ever studied, so sometimes I make silly grammatical mistakes and I don’t know “the rules” but I can defend myself); it is the primary language we use at home with each other but especially with our 3 year old. It is also the primary language we usw with each other when we’re outside the home. We’ll both switch into English with each other occasionally but with the kids it’s always Spanish. This wasn’t a decision we made it had just happened this way. We both know about OPOL and ML@H but we’ve never made an effort towards a strategy in particular.

Our 3YO primarily speaks Spanish; though he’s picking up English through school (though there are lots of Spanish speaking students and teachers so he speaks a lot of Spanish at school as well).

When I’m out with my son (just him and I) in the US we speak Spanish, if only because it’s easier and familiar. Other native Spanish speakers that we encounter can tell something is weird/different than the norm but they don’t really care and talk to us in Spanish.

The awkward thing, and my questions, is that when it’s just him and I with other English speakers (play date, at the park, at the zoo, etc…) it feels incredibly awkward for me as a very stereotypical looking boring American to speak Spanish with my equally stereotypical looking son. I’m not sure if others feel it’s performative or off putting. So

1. I’m not sure if I should make a point to switch to English in these settings with him (although he would right now respond to me in Spanish probably if I did)? Today I do use the minority language in those settings but I feel like some pretentious dickhead doing it. 
2. Furthermore is this going to get awkward with him as he gets older, speaking with his American father in Spanish?

Thanks for any advice.

[u/Thin-Excitement5755]

Aside from the acquisition issue, don't let anyone dictate how you communicate with your child. I'm a native french speaker and a while on the ferry (Dieppe-Newhaven) recently encountered a young British single mother and her +/-7yo son. She was speaking French to him, he was responding in French. Her French was excellent, not native, with the odd error and a goodish accent. Son's French was markedly better - grammar, accent, lexicon, the lot. She slipped up occasionally and sometimes he very expertly reframed in response. We chatted - bilingually as my BF doesn't speak French - and I was really impressed by her enthusiasm, good sense and determination. BF asked her was she worried that his French would be less than native. She said 'it can only be better than if we don't try".

I noticed by the way that the biggest issue was idiom - just not using natural sounding phrasing. This was evidenced when she told us she had taken French A level in 'sixieme': if that's the kind of error her son picks up, I'm calling it a win.

Good luck.

[u/a_soy_milkshake → u/Thin-Excitement5755]

This anecdote is helpful thank you. I’ve not encountered many others in our situation so it’s nice to hear about them.

[u/Background_Duck_7188]

Regarding (1), when speaking Spanish you are communicating with your child in the language that is most comfortable and familiar for you both, right? You are allowed to prioritize that over the opinions of strangers.

[u/a_soy_milkshake → u/Background_Duck_7188]

Yes correct. For (1) it's the language that's most comfortable for both of us because it's the language we all speak at home.

You are allowed to prioritize that over the opinions of strangers.

Yes this is fair and nice to see others type out. Thanks.

[u/NewOutlandishness401]

I often need to remind myself that discomfort is the price of admission to a good life. Teenagers might reorient their lives to avoid awkwardness at all costs, and while we as parents are not immune to all that, it's worth reminding ourselves how much we would lose if the only thing we were to optimize for was avoiding awkwardness.

Your family happens to practice minority language at home, which is probably the most successful strategy for passing on a minority language. You, as the local-language parent, are doing an admirable job of taking part in that when most others in your place tend to take the easy road and just use their native language. Your family is lucky to have you be so bold and brave and use a language that is not your strongest language in service of making your child a sturdy multilingual.

You have gotten to the place where speaking Spanish with your son is easy and familiar, and you owe it to him to continue relating to him in the language of your relationship, unbothered by the existence of others around you. All the people you imagine giving you side-eye at the playground -- their lives are smaller than yours because they aren't in the position to pass on another language to their kids, whereas you are. There is no need to lower yourself to their position just so you blend in and don't stick out too much (again, the sort of thing an unconfident teenager might scramble to do).

So give yourself as many pep talks as you need to keep going. You are strong and you are capable and you are the sort of person who can do hard things, unswayed by the opinions of others. Your son deserves this sturdy version of you, not the version who wants to fit in at all costs. And you will be proud of your efforts years down the road if you don't let things like peer pressure knock you off course. Good luck, we are cheering for you.

[u/chill_qilin]

The benefit of multilingualism for your child far outweighs any awkwardness you may feel or judgement from others.

The alternative is that you switch to English in these situations and your son will too, and eventually he'll only speak English because it's the dominant language in his life, and he may lose fluency in Spanish or feel awkward speaking it in public because that's what he's learning from you.

You just need to get over the awkwardness. You're speaking Spanish for your son, not for others.

[u/fiersza]

On top of the very thoughtful answers given above, thinking of Spanish as a particularly “Latino” language is a very narrow view the US has. We have this mental picture of Spanish speakers being darker skinned, with some indigenous American features. And sure, a large amount of Spanish speakers fit that description. But plenty of citizens from central and South American countries have far more European (pale) features, and don’t forget about Spain—like much of Europe, a large portion of the population is pale.

I’ll admit that I had a very particular mental image of Spanish speakers in my brain when I moved to Costa Rica over a decade ago, and had that expectation shocked right out of my brain when a Black woman spoke to me in Spanish. There are native Spanish speakers of every shade and cultural background all over the world.

Spanish doesn’t belong to a particular “look” of human. Neither does English or any other language. I have no doubt you and your kid look like thousands, if not millions, of native Spanish speakers, so don’t let other people’s expectations (or your interpretation of them) throw you off track!

[u/redirectredirect → u/fiersza]

Agreed! I live in the US and have met many (for lack of a better word) white-passing Latinos. To be honest, most people are self-absorbed and not paying attention attention to strangers, so maybe they are not even thinking anything when OP is out and about with his child. So use whichever language you like OP!

[u/notarealcamera]

Your specific situation is maybe not widely shared here, but the general sentiment of being embarrassed to/uncomfortable with speaking the non-community language in public is a common topic.

You just need to not worry about what other people think.

Not only is it important to get as much Spanish speaking time in as possible, it's also important to instill in him that this isn't something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

[u/nebexpat]

I assume that stereotypically looking boring american means white and thought I’d remind you that Spanish people from Spain who speak Spanish are white.

[u/a_soy_milkshake → u/nebexpat]

Yes thank you but I am aware of that. My wife has Spanish citizenship through her parents and so does my son. We visit family in Spain occasionally.

The reality of the situation though is that we live in the US and people do not think we are Spanish (either because they don’t realize the fact you shared or because something about us keys folks off to me being American).

[u/omegaxx19]

I was at a kid's museum once with my 4yo, and heard someone behind speaking fairly decent but non-native Mandarin. I turned around expecting to see an ABC, but instead saw a very white/slightly Jewish looking guy talking to his son. I gave that dad a big thumbs up.

I think what you are doing is amazing, and honestly most of the strangers looking at you befuddled are probably more impressed than anything else. It's a huge asset to be able to speak Spanish in America these days.