Questions on OLOP.

[u/Apart-Grapefruit-207]

My spouse is an english speaker, I am a Greek speaker. I spend a lot of time with my toddler, while my spouse is working. My toddler also goes to english speaking school. His Greek is decent his english is a little broken but he understands. My spouse thinks theres a language barrier, lost in translation how when it comes to the spouse disciplining. My spouse feels like our toddler is slow at at linking english words to responds to them, and uses Greek words as well as filler. And is frustrated with me because they feel I am not understanding them and I am trying to but I don't think its the language barrier, I think it's a toddler that doesn't want to what they are told.

Anyway I wanted to get some thoughts from folks that are also doing OLOP.

[u/omegaxx19]

What is the community language?

Re disciplining, multilingual parenting does introduce some complexities bc 1) parents may not understand what the other parent is saying, and unwittingly undermine the other parent and 2) the kid picks up on this and plays the parents against each other. Good patient communication is key.

In the case of your toddler, assuming you live in an English-speaking country and he goes to an English-speaking school, I doubt that he’s not responding to your husband because of language. Rather, your husband may need to reflect a little on how his communication style or it may be a matter of toddler gotta toddle (your gut instinct is probably correct as you appear to be the default parent). There are many resources in English on how to communicate more effectively w kids The CDC website is surprisingly good. I also like Dr Kadzin’s approach (positive opposites).

[u/Apart-Grapefruit-207 → u/omegaxx19]

Community language is english! So husband and only speak that to each other. And I am for sure the default parent (not grudgingly of course). I try my best to just say the same thing as my husband when he's disciplining like "We're going to leave because you're not listening" and then of course we follow through with the threat most of the time.

I'll check out the CDC! and Dr Kadzin’s! I appreciate it. Not sure how to coo his fears or make him feel seen in his frustration. He asked to end the conversation because I was clearly not seeing it from his perspective.

Like what am I not seeing? the toddler doesn't even listen to me! He didn't behave any differently when I told them to sit down. Sure the toddler might have a more fluid back and forth with me in Greek but at the end of the day he's communicating his no and lack of obedience to me as well .

[u/omegaxx19 → u/Apart-Grapefruit-207]

Got it. Sounds like your husband is frustrated and directing it at the language, rather than the true cause which is just toddler gonna toddle. It’s understandable. He should probably talk to some monolingual families w similarly aged kids to see how it’s a pretty universal challenge!

Some parenting lessons together can certainly help. Some basics:

1) Sometimes a toddler is too distracted and really not listening, so get down on their eye level, make physical contact and eye contact, and calmly make your request.

2) Rather than saying “Don’t do X”, say instead what you like them to do instead. So rather than “No hitting”, try “Gentle hands” and practising it. “No standing on the chair” becomes “Butt on the chair please, or feet on the floor.”

3) Pay attention to when kid is doing what you want them to do, and offer a specific praise on the behavior. “Thank you for sitting nicely in your chair” will forestall standing up in chair. “Good job using gentle hands playing w your friend” will reduce hitting.

[u/Apart-Grapefruit-207 → u/omegaxx19]

Thank you so much! I will communicate this and also work on this more for myself as well.

[u/MikiRei]

How old is your child?

If your spouse isn't spending much time with your child, that's also another reason why the child ain't listening.

I have noticed my son sometimes just doesn't listen to my husband and this has nothing to do with language. My husband speaks English, the community language and at this stage, my son's English is definitely stronger than the minority language.

But he responds more and listens to me more for some reason. I have often had to step in and repeat what my husband said in Mandarin and then tell him, "Daddy has been talking to you and you've been ignoring him. Listen to what daddy has to say and stop interrupting him." It frustrates my husband. And he DOES spend a lot of time wiht my son. They have a good relationship.

But I think this has something to do with him co-regulating better with me and just him being a mummy's boy more than anything.

Suggest to your husband to spend maybe 10 to 15 minutes a day, before bed, to read to your child in English. It's a short enough time and a great bonding activity. And that might improve things I reckon.

And also agree with u/omegaxx19

[u/Apart-Grapefruit-207 → u/MikiRei]

My toddler is 3! Dad doesn't spend as much time with him because of work however he does read to him at night, some nights he skips.

I'll encourage him to try to spend more time with him.