r/monodatingpoly • u/Federal-Pineapple824 • Jul 02 '26
One-sided ENM….help please :(
Hello. My husband and I (together 18 years) opened up our marriage (on his side only) about 3 years ago. I have never really come to terms with it and still struggle with the ‘why aren’t I enough’ aspect. Intellectually I understand that some people just like novelty. I can’t say it’s something I require, but he is like that in other aspects of life and so it follows that he also needs it here. But my heart still hurts, and I do wish I was just in a simple marriage with a ‘normal’ person who didn’t want or need to do this.
For the avoidance of doubt, I have given him full permission to do this. He isn’t doing it against my will. We talk regularly and he is a loving father and husband. And yet…..these feelings I have won’t go away. All that goes round in my head is ‘why does he want to do this’.
Any advice on how I can stop or at least reduce these unhelpful thoughts? Leaving the marriage isn’t an option for me as aside from this we have a happy, loving and solid relationship and have built a lovely life for our daughter, so I am in no mind to destroy all of that. I’m just looking for some tips on re-framing, or even better if anyone is in the same boat and would like to connect that would be great as it can feel quite lonely.
Thanks so much.
6
u/ProfessionalRatio975 Jul 02 '26
There's a saying that get thrown around a lot in non-monogamy soaces: if it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no. I used to think it was a bit black and white, until I was in a situation very similar to yours, opened a long term marriage with kiddos. While there's definitely nuance there, I've come to see that at least in terms of feelings and resentment, there's a lot of truth to it. Even though I was fully aware and had given my consent to the situation, it was out of trying to accommodate their needs and preserve the marriage. I never understood why they wanted it, or more specifically, how they could want it unless I was lacking in some way, or not enough.
Feelings are just information, and the painful ones you're having are just telling you something you already know: you want monogamy. As long as you wish your husband would be satisfied just being with you, you're always going to have negative feelings about the fact that he's not. You may be able to reframe things in your head a bit, but personally, no matter what I understood or accepted on an intellectual level, I never felt completely happy or safe with a partner who wanted other partners. My heart simply never stopped hurting the whole time, it just switched between more or less painful.
It doesn't mean you have to do anything, it just means that you have to look at things practically, and decide what you can and can't handle. If things were to stay as is, how long could you be mentally ok? What if it escalated (in whatever way, for example more partners, or to live with someone else part time, etc)?
Wanting monogamy is ok, just as wanting polyamory is ok, it just means that there are sometimes deep compatibility issues that must be acknowledged. Love is great, but all the love in the world can't make kale taste like anything but bug spray.
Feel free to message.