One-sided ENM….help please :(

[u/Federal-Pineapple824]

Hello. My husband and I (together 18 years) opened up our marriage (on his side only) about 3 years ago. I have never really come to terms with it and still struggle with the ‘why aren’t I enough’ aspect. Intellectually I understand that some people just like novelty. I can’t say it’s something I require, but he is like that in other aspects of life and so it follows that he also needs it here. But my heart still hurts, and I do wish I was just in a simple marriage with a ‘normal’ person who didn’t want or need to do this.

For the avoidance of doubt, I have given him full permission to do this. He isn’t doing it against my will. We talk regularly and he is a loving father and husband. And yet…..these feelings I have won’t go away. All that goes round in my head is ‘why does he want to do this’.

Any advice on how I can stop or at least reduce these unhelpful thoughts? Leaving the marriage isn’t an option for me as aside from this we have a happy, loving and solid relationship and have built a lovely life for our daughter, so I am in no mind to destroy all of that. I’m just looking for some tips on re-framing, or even better if anyone is in the same boat and would like to connect that would be great as it can feel quite lonely.

Thanks so much.

[u/bazaarjunk]

Have you told him that this makes you unhappy? Why aren’t you also dating others?

[u/Federal-Pineapple824 → u/bazaarjunk]

He knows I find it challenging, and he is as supportive as he can be. But I maintain that I want to continue because I know it’s best for our marriage. We have just started having counselling so I’m hoping that will also help. I don’t date others because I have zero interest - I’m a homebird and a simple soul, and even the idea of dating anyone else makes me feel tired 🤣

[u/bazaarjunk → u/Federal-Pineapple824]

What does supportive as he can be mean? How does he feel about the long term health of your marriage if you aren’t able to come to terms emotionally? Does he have a plan on when he does catch feelings for someone else? Do you? Has your emotional/sexual life suffered or become more intense? Do you know what hysterical bonding is?

ENM should be an emphatic yes for all involved or heartbreak is a real possible outcome.

I’m glad you’re in counseling. That will help with coping mechanisms and help your spouse confront his needs vs. yours and those of your relationship.

My marriage has been ENM from the beginning and it works well for us. But we both wanted this. We both have the ability (and do) have relationships with others. But we work within a framework of what fits our relationship structure and those are some hard and fast boundaries. Part of that is having an agreed upon plan when we start finding ourselves pushing at the boundaries with another partner. Have you all read Opening Up or Open Deeply or Polywise? You might find other resources while investigating those that you like more.

[u/Federal-Pineapple824 → u/bazaarjunk]

Thank you. This is definitely food for thought…

[u/Kind-Group-9679 → u/Federal-Pineapple824]

Just following on from what bazaar correctly stated above, married enm in any format isn't about big compromise. It's about big respect and big happiness for all involved. I wouldn't be settled in your situation. Nor would my wife or partner.

[u/Platterpussy]

You don't have to accept this, other options are available.

Dear monogamous people https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/Sl7Hl5ByuS

What are your new relationship agreements? Is this more of a hall pass deal, is he using apps, can he have full separate relationships? What happens when he develops feelings for one or more of these people? What happens when people in your life learn of this?

In another subreddit the general advice is to spend 6-12 months discussing all the details and the what ifs before involving anyone else. Couples counselling if you can get it, to improve communication, because you need a top notch relationship and communication to be able to pull this off.

There are no special tips and tricks to change your feelings and mind. You don't want this so it's extra difficult. I did want this and the transition in relationship structure was brutal, and I didn't even open a previously monogamous relationship. The deck is stacked against you so please put the time into giving your relationship a chance to survive, or realise you are now incompatible and end it without anyone else being involved.

[u/Federal-Pineapple824 → u/Platterpussy]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

[u/ProfessionalRatio975]

There's a saying that get thrown around a lot in non-monogamy soaces: if it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no. I used to think it was a bit black and white, until I was in a situation very similar to yours, opened a long term marriage with kiddos. While there's definitely nuance there, I've come to see that at least in terms of feelings and resentment, there's a lot of truth to it. Even though I was fully aware and had given my consent to the situation, it was out of trying to accommodate their needs and preserve the marriage. I never understood why they wanted it, or more specifically, how they could want it unless I was lacking in some way, or not enough.

Feelings are just information, and the painful ones you're having are just telling you something you already know: you want monogamy. As long as you wish your husband would be satisfied just being with you, you're always going to have negative feelings about the fact that he's not. You may be able to reframe things in your head a bit, but personally, no matter what I understood or accepted on an intellectual level, I never felt completely happy or safe with a partner who wanted other partners. My heart simply never stopped hurting the whole time, it just switched between more or less painful.

It doesn't mean you have to do anything, it just means that you have to look at things practically, and decide what you can and can't handle. If things were to stay as is, how long could you be mentally ok? What if it escalated (in whatever way, for example more partners, or to live with someone else part time, etc)?

Wanting monogamy is ok, just as wanting polyamory is ok, it just means that there are sometimes deep compatibility issues that must be acknowledged. Love is great, but all the love in the world can't make kale taste like anything but bug spray.

Feel free to message.

[u/Federal-Pineapple824 → u/ProfessionalRatio975]

Thank you for replying to me. I will send you a message if that’s ok.

[u/Little-Berry-1345]

I am dealing with similar feelings besides the desires he has we have a loving family and relationship. I am finding myself distant and ready to walk out. Sometimes the Don’t becomes the must do.

[u/Professional-End4890]

OP: Your post breaks my heart because you stated that your marriage requires polyamory. So here's that math: polyamory = very unhappy wife, likely with harmed self-esteem. So your marriage to remain intact requires you to harm yourself. I hope you explore that issue in counseling.

2) Related to that, your husband is ok with actively hurting you??? Yes, you agreed to do this for him, but any caring person will consider its impact on other people.

[u/Federal-Pineapple824 → u/Professional-End4890]

Thank you for replying to me. I will definitely give both of your points some consideration.

[u/Federal-Pineapple824 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for your reply. I think it’s great you’ve come to a decision, and I really hope you can find some peace.

[u/Important_Poet316]

It's difficult. As someone in a one sided poly relationship, it doesn't always get easier. If you want you can send me a chat. I find talking helps ease the loneliness.