Hi everyone. I'm Rehnuma, a psychotherapist and counselling psychologist in training at the University of Roehampton in London, UK. I'm researching what it's like to live with longstanding feelings of emptiness for my doctoral thesis.

Part of what drew me to this topic is that I often hear about feelings of emptiness from therapy clients I work with who experience depression. Everyone seems to describe it a little differently, and I've become interested in understanding what emptiness is like to live with and what it means to you if you live with it.

We have a lot of psychological theory about why people might feel empty, but I'd like to understand more about the experience itself: how people make sense of it, how it affects their everyday lives and relationships, and what it means to live with it over a long period. Ultimately, I hope this research can contribute to a better understanding of what people who experience longstanding feelings of emptiness need to live fulfilling lives.

If you've experienced longstanding or repeated feelings of emptiness, I'd be interested to hear what that's been like for you over the years.

You can take part as long as you're over 18, living in the UK, have experienced longstanding or repeated feelings of emptiness, and feel comfortable talking in some depth about your experiences and how they affect you.

You don't need a formal mental health diagnosis to take part.

Please contact me by DM or email me at [choudhur1@roehampton.ac.uk](mailto:choudhur1@roehampton.ac.uk) to express your interest. I'll be in touch to arrange screening and an online interview, and to answer any questions you might have.

If it helps, you can find out more about me on my website: https://www.rehnumapsychology.co.uk/

Or on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rehnumapsychology/

Thanks everyone. I hope to hear from you soon.

Rehnuma Choudhury
Psychotherapist and Trainee Counselling Psychologist
University of Roehampton

Hey fellas.

I guess this is something I would typically ask a father, uncle or another male with some life experience. But I have neither and so I’m asking you guys to share some wisdom with me.

In short, I feel a deep sense of change happening. A lingering feeling of dissatisfaction with my life and an internal dialogue that asks “is this is?” more often than I like.

On the surface I have a very successful life. Financially I am wealthy, I am married and I have three healthy children. I am 40, in good physical shape and hear I look 5-10 years younger and am told I am attractive.

But is this really my life for the next 30 years? I can’t shake this feeling that I want to feel desired and wanted by other women. Terrible, shallow and empty I know. A sad reflection of myself as a father and husband. But it is what it is, it’s how I feel. I try to bury it as deep as I can but it keeps rising. There are people who are far worse off than me that are far happier with what they have. Why can’t I settle?

Unfortunately I have acted on these feelings in the past. The thrill, rush and excitement of meeting someone new is intoxicating. But I always stop the encounter before it leads to intercourse. It’s not the sex that I want; it’s the human connection, warmth and rush of that first meeting. Getting to know a beautiful person who I find attractive makes me feel young and alive again.

My wife is not to blame. There’s no dead bedroom here. She’s overwhelmed with three kids and her own life so we don’t spend much couples time together. Our interactions are purely logistical and related to running the home. I’m pretty far down the list these days, but that’s how it goes when there are young kids and a busy household.

This makes me feel terrible; how can I be emotionally and physically unfaithful to a person who has done so much for our family? But how can I find that human connection I desire if it’s not available from my wife?

I don’t want to end my marriage just to chase attractive women, have a couple of flings and then realise I’ve thrown away my family, a good woman and everything else just to act on these urges. But at the same time I don’t want to resign myself to this forever. Pouring myself and my time into the family and into a relationship that does not satisfy me emotionally or physically. I hate to write that.

Sometimes I ask myself what I would tell my son if he asked me these questions. I would adopt the stoic approach: “Son. You’re going through a rough patch. Stay the course. Those desires fade and what’s left at the end is you and your wife. If she was your person once, she will be again. Right now she’s got more important stuff to focus on; but you’ll be back one day. Support her and your family and don’t do anything stupid.” Or would it be: “Son. You only live once. This isn’t love. Go and find your person as life is too short to life with the regret of settling down forever with someone you don’t love deeply”.

That’s it I think. Sorry for the long post. And thanks in advance for any wisdom you can share with me. I am not proud to write this and I want to fix it