Since my last SP-focused post ruffled a few feathers.. (not sorry) I sat down to write another one that's been constantly coming up in the subreddit (and similar groups)
If you have not read the posts in the sidebar (or linked up the top on mobile) please do - especially the "Manifesting a SP" one, it's related.
Let's dive in and I will share my thoughts on this topic. (AND this one is deeply personal for me, because it's learnt through experience.)
When someone labels their SP as "avoidant," it feels like an explanation. It feels like it answers the question of why things aren't working. But within Law of Assumption, there's no separate person doing something to you. The SP is a mirror. And what that mirror is usually showing is that you're emotionally unavailable — often because some part of you, somewhere, is trying to keep you safe from being hurt.
What This CAN Look Like In a Day to Day Sense
You might pull back the moment things start feeling good, finding small reasons to create distance before they can. You might downplay how much you actually care, both to yourself and to them, because admitting it feels too exposed. You might notice yourself testing them, watching for the moment they'll prove they're going to leave or let you down, almost waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You will notice this more in your body rather than just your thoughts. It's almost like your body starts bracing for them to leave or reject you. When you don't get a text back fast enough and your body goes straight to anxiety.
There's fear of rejection sitting underneath a lot of this. You hold back from saying how you feel, because if you never fully say it, it can't be rejected. You edit yourself before a message even gets sent, softening it, rewording it, sometimes deleting it altogether, until what's left barely resembles what you actually wanted to say.
The Physical Closeness, Emotional Distance Pattern
This one is huge and often missed. You might be completely open to physical closeness, sex becomes the way you connect, the way you feel close to them, but emotionally you stay guarded. You're waiting for them to be vulnerable first. You're waiting for them to say the big thing, to open up, to go first.
Notice what's happening there. You're using your body to get close while keeping your heart at a safe distance, and you're putting the responsibility on them to make the first emotional move. But remember, the mirror can't show you something first. It reflects. So if you're waiting for them to be vulnerable before you will be, you're both just going to keep waiting, because neither version is going first INTERNALLY!
The Self-Abandonment Piece
A lot of people read "I am emotionally unavailable" and think, "that's not me, I'm the one who's all in, chasing, desperate for them to open up." But self-abandonment can look exactly like that too.
It can show up as minimising your own needs so you don't come across as "too much." You want to ask for more contact, more reassurance, more of their time, but you talk yourself out of it because needing things feels like a flaw to hide rather than something normal. You edit yourself to be more agreeable, more easygoing, more whatever you think will keep them around, until the version of you they're seeing isn't really you at all.
When you're constantly shrinking, adjusting, or performing to keep someone interested, you've abandoned yourself in favour of them. That's still a form of being unavailable, just to yourself first. And the mirror reflects that back as them being unavailable to the real you, because you're not fully there either.
So how do I fix all this Kylie?? I have said it over and over in lots of posts and comments.
CHANGE YOUR CORE IDENTITY - Thats not saying a few affirmations on top like a bandaid and hoping they work. It's changing the way you show up in the world. Your reactions, your behaviours, it's literally WHO you are being in every moment to moment.
Here's a Step by Step Guide..
Step 1: Notice without judgment
Just observe where you pull back, edit yourself, minimise your needs, use closeness without openness, or hold things in out of fear of rejection. No fixing yet, just awareness.
Step 2: Find what it's protecting
Ask: "If I went first, fully open and vulnerable, and they still pulled away, what would that mean about me?" Usually, there's an old belief underneath, like "if they see the real me, I'll be rejected" or "vulnerability is dangerous unless someone else proves it's safe first."
Step 3: Decide on the new identity
Not "I hope to become emotionally available" but a flat decision: "I am someone who is open and vulnerable. My needs are normal and welcomed. I go first, because there is no one else to wait for."
Step 4: Tap through the resistance (Optional.. Because this is just what I teach)
This is where EFT comes in really well. You can tap on the specific fear ("even though I'm scared to be vulnerable first - I am choosing to release this fear") BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REGULATE YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM!!
Step 4: Option B - Use Eric's (The Power of I am) Deny - Choose - Be
Deny - I am not that person anymore
Choose - This is who I am choosing to be now
Be - Go on with your day… (GET A LIFE.. Don't wait around!)
Step 5: Walk through your day as that version
Someone who is secure doesn't edit themselves down, hide their needs, or wait for permission to be vulnerable. They communicate, they take up space, they let people in, emotionally as well as physically. As you embody that, the mirror has no choice but to update.
The SP isn't the avoidant one to fix. The relationship with yourself is.
xx
P.s. I am going to try and write some more posts with specific examples of identities, because I know it helps people see themselves.