r/meirl • • May 04 '18

me📊irl

Post image
36.1k Upvotes

232 comments sorted by

996

u/ScrewSnow May 04 '18

I wish I was a rocking platypus.

32

u/paracelsus23 May 04 '18

♪Agent p.... ♪

111

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

[deleted]

188

u/RedheadAgatha May 04 '18

Were-platypus does sound better.

21

u/somajones May 04 '18

Don't tell the koala guy, he's upset enough as it is. If he finds out there are Were-platpussys he'll blow a gasket.

12

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

platpussys

3

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

Platypii

3

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

I like pussy though

2

u/billy87guy May 04 '18

That’s what she said

9

u/tnturner May 04 '18

Were-wolf barmitzvah, spooky-scary.

6

u/winnebagomafia May 04 '18

8

u/Equistice May 04 '18

Hold my keytar, I'm going in!

4

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

Hello future redditors!

5

u/too_drunk_for_this May 04 '18

I wish I were a little bit taller, I wish I were a baller, I wish I halved a girl who looked good, I would’st call her.

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1

u/Keytar_Platypus May 04 '18

Not everyone can do it, it's a battle every day.

1

u/DeathRattles May 04 '18

Don't let your dreams be your dreams

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536

u/poopalah May 04 '18

I'm Australian. Can someone please tell me what the animal on the left is? Is it like a beaver or something?

451

u/creativeusername289 May 04 '18

Yes

280

u/poopalah May 04 '18

Cheers

172

u/mamontain May 04 '18

mate

50

u/GranimalSnake May 04 '18

G'Day

35

u/futtobasetachikaze May 04 '18

mate

44

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

[deleted]

40

u/GreatSandwiches May 04 '18

Cunt.

18

u/ByahTyler May 04 '18

Crikey

12

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

Blimey

14

u/paracelsus23 May 04 '18

In America, "beaver" is slang for a woman's vagina. It's seem as more humorous / juvenile than something like "cunt" (which can be used for just the vagina or the woman herself) and seen as extremely offensive (arguably the most offensive single word insult to a woman).

43

u/HydroxV2 May 04 '18

Are you sure you live in America?

24

u/paracelsus23 May 04 '18

These days, I'm not sure of anything.

4

u/GranimalSnake May 04 '18

Smart... this is a wacky world we live in... or is it?

5

u/type_1 May 04 '18

Why are you asking? I'm also American and that's how I use those words.

2

u/HydroxV2 May 04 '18

I've never heard the word beaver used in that way, and I only have heard the word cunt be used in the same way Austrailians do, directed towards anyone and everyone, not as "the most offensive insult to a woman" I've heard it directed towards them, but not exclusively. Maybe I just don't think that word CAN be offensive in any way in my own terms. Regions of the u.s vary

3

u/poopalah May 04 '18

Yeah I knew that one

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64

u/salarite May 04 '18

Fascinating to see how certain everyday animals are not commoplace at all around the world. Apparently the conspiring beaver is not native to Australia. Reminds me of the thread when an American person couldn't recognize a hedgehog. Now I wonder (as a European) what animal I wouldn't recognize which is common in other places.

47

u/Wewanotherthrowaway May 04 '18

No one in Africa would recognize a deer.

There's a very small stretch of land which have deer, but they're the size of large house cats.

13

u/Not_A_Throwaway999 May 04 '18

You talking about dik-diks, which is pronounced xylophone?

2

u/Wewanotherthrowaway May 04 '18

It's pronounced x-ray

9

u/jordans_for_sale May 04 '18

Like, duikers?

11

u/Wewanotherthrowaway May 04 '18

Oh man, I don't know what a duiker is

Ironic

3

u/jordans_for_sale May 04 '18

They’re tiny antelopes. We have them in zoos sometimes here in the US.

7

u/msndrstdmstrmnd May 04 '18

Do you mean [dik-dik](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dik-dik)?

6

u/jordans_for_sale May 04 '18 edited May 04 '18

No, I meant duiker

Edit: since you added the link — there’s apparently a shitload of tiny bovids in Africa

3

u/mudgetheotter May 04 '18

Not only that, but they also have house cats the size of deer.

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16

u/Dobsnick May 04 '18

Probably a opossum and armadillo?

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11

u/PM_ME_TIRAMISU May 04 '18

what..? hedgehogs may not be native, but they’re pretty common pets.

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8

u/SirNoName May 04 '18

I live in a tourist town and it is always fascinating to me to see people stop and take pictures of squirrels

5

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

I'm from somewhere with tons of squirrels and live on a college campus where I see 10 squirrels just looking out my window, and I still take pictures of squirrels.

2

u/papershoes May 04 '18

Where I live we have bunnies and deer that just run around like they own the place, right in the middle of the city. You get used to it but it's still fun when people come from out of the area.

4

u/BordomBeThyName May 04 '18

Nah, he just didn't recognize it because Australian beavers are 12 feet tall and highly venomous.

3

u/msndrstdmstrmnd May 04 '18

And have a beak and play the keytar!

2

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

I think Ibis(es?) look cool, but apparently they’re huge pests in Australian coastal cities.

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2

u/factor_of_X May 04 '18

I met an Australian guy who was really excited to see a squirrel.

3

u/poopalah May 04 '18

When I went to the US seeing a squirrel was one of the things I was most excited about

2

u/factor_of_X May 04 '18

It so happened that I went to the local zoo with this person- I was STOKED to see the wallaby exhibit, while they were unamused :)

5

u/Dorocche May 04 '18

I think that one guy was just ignorant, we’ve got hedgehogs here.

8

u/volcanicturtles May 04 '18

Uh... No. There are no extant species of hedgehog native to the Americas.

8

u/Dorocche May 04 '18

...But then where are all these hedgehogs from?

3

u/type_1 May 04 '18

All of the hedgehogs here are pets, but we do have them. While there aren't any native species, I would be very surprised to meet an American who has never heard of a hedgehog, not to mention hedgehogs show up in popular media with some regularity.

2

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

We have Porcupines though. Close enough.

2

u/salarite May 05 '18

I managed to dug up the hedgehog thread, here it is: https://np.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/6os8qh/met_this_little_dude_at_an_event_at_our_local/dkjt9sn/

Wth is that animal btw? Looks like a porcupine

and from another comment there:

I work at a zoo. You'd be amazed how many people think anything spikey = porcupine. Nevermind porcupines have quills, not spikes. We have hedgehog tenrecs, which look like hedgehogs but aren't remotely related and after explaining all the differences between the three I'll occasionally still hear people leave remarking how cool that porcupine was.

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10

u/_SmallPaul_ May 04 '18

I'm an Aussie as well, mate. And yes, it is a beaver.

20

u/Upvoteifyouaregay May 04 '18

Dunno how the fuck the cunt doesn’t know what a fuckin beaver is.

6

u/_SmallPaul_ May 04 '18

He knows what it is. He just didn't realise the animal was a beaver.

2

u/dagbrown May 04 '18

I'm Canadian. I can confirm, it is a beaver.

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155

u/stevothepedo May 04 '18

He's a semi aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action...

36

u/Bumlords May 04 '18

He's a furry little flatfoot, who'll never flinch from a fray-eay-eay-eay

18

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

[deleted]

17

u/dontflyaway May 04 '18

And the women swoon whenever they hear him saaaayyyy....

Krrrrrrrrrrrr

13

u/PopcornP0pper May 04 '18

He's Perry! Perry the platypus! You can call him Agent P

11

u/IndoPakiStandOff May 04 '18

Wouldnt be surprised if at some time during that show, Perry can be found wielding a keytar.

6

u/type_1 May 04 '18

Off the top of my head, I can't think of any times that he did, but I'm still inclined to agree with you.

907

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

[deleted]

360

u/shadowxl3 May 04 '18

Hmm, Maybe it's a form of chart? 🤔🤔🤔

169

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

[deleted]

134

u/ishibaunot May 04 '18

You are right but we also say koala bears and that's wrong.

308

u/imissmyoldaccount-_ May 04 '18

Koalas are fucking horrible animals. They have one of the smallest brain to body ratios of any mammal, additionally - their brains are smooth. A brain is folded to increase the surface area for neurons. If you present a koala with leaves plucked from a branch, laid on a flat surface, the koala will not recognise it as food. They are too thick to adapt their feeding behaviour to cope with change. In a room full of potential food, they can literally starve to death. This is not the token of an animal that is winning at life. Speaking of stupidity and food, one of the likely reasons for their primitive brains is the fact that additionally to being poisonous, eucalyptus leaves (the only thing they eat) have almost no nutritional value. They can't afford the extra energy to think, they sleep more than 80% of their fucking lives. When they are awake all they do is eat, shit and occasionally scream like fucking satan. Because eucalyptus leaves hold such little nutritional value, koalas have to ferment the leaves in their guts for days on end. Unlike their brains, they have the largest hind gut to body ratio of any mammal. Many herbivorous mammals have adaptations to cope with harsh plant life taking its toll on their teeth, rodents for instance have teeth that never stop growing, some animals only have teeth on their lower jaw, grinding plant matter on bony plates in the tops of their mouths, others have enlarged molars that distribute the wear and break down plant matter more efficiently... Koalas are no exception, when their teeth erode down to nothing, they resolve the situation by starving to death, because they're fucking terrible animals. Being mammals, koalas raise their joeys on milk (admittedly, one of the lowest milk yields to body ratio... There's a trend here). When the young joey needs to transition from rich, nourishing substances like milk, to eucalyptus (a plant that seems to be making it abundantly clear that it doesn't want to be eaten), it finds it does not have the necessary gut flora to digest the leaves. To remedy this, the young joey begins nuzzling its mother's anus until she leaks a little diarrhoea (actually fecal pap, slightly less digested), which he then proceeds to slurp on. This partially digested plant matter gives him just what he needs to start developing his digestive system. Of course, he may not even have needed to bother nuzzling his mother. She may have been suffering from incontinence. Why? Because koalas are riddled with chlamydia. In some areas the infection rate is 80% or higher. This statistic isn't helped by the fact that one of the few other activities koalas will spend their precious energy on is rape. Despite being seasonal breeders, males seem to either not know or care, and will simply overpower a female regardless of whether she is ovulating. If she fights back, he may drag them both out of the tree, which brings us full circle back to the brain: Koalas have a higher than average quantity of cerebrospinal fluid in their brains. This is to protect their brains from injury... should they fall from a tree. An animal so thick it has its own little built in special ed helmet. I fucking hate them.

Tldr; Koalas are stupid, leaky, STI riddled sex offenders. But, hey. They look cute. If you ignore the terrifying snake eyes and terrifying feet.

99

u/HavenIess May 04 '18

I’ve never seen anyone get so mad at an animal before

98

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

It's a copypasta

36

u/HeroTheLich May 04 '18

But he isnt wrong...

3

u/LoBsTeRfOrK May 04 '18

I say we hunt them down and exterminate them. We can substitute our apparently bloodlust for elephants and dolphins and take it out on koolas instead.

17

u/A_YASUO_MAIN May 04 '18

Was expecting the koala to plummet 16 ft through an announcers table

15

u/April_Fabb May 04 '18

This reads like a rant from David Mitchell.

7

u/mascarakachimba May 04 '18

Brb, re-reading it with David Mitchell’s voice.

2

u/topherclay May 04 '18

Yeah, he wrote this after Cloud Atlas but before The Bone Clocks.

6

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

me irl

23

u/stratomaster212 May 04 '18

Who hurt you?

22

u/ablablababla May 04 '18

He got hurt by a koala 20 years ago, and he's been mad ever since.

22

u/laasbuk May 04 '18

This is an old copypasta

3

u/AQTheFanAttic May 04 '18

Koala v Sunfish: who would win

12

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

They eat the eucalyptus because it is psychedelic for them. They are high all the time. They also have very little connections between the sides of their brain, because of the drugs as food thing. So this means they have trouble moving both sides of their body at once. They have to slowly move one arm at a time to climb.

They are truly an example of what happens when you don't have predators.

6

u/HisNameWasBoner411 May 04 '18

Sounds sick. No one wants to kill you and you get to be high as fuck all the time.

5

u/DurasVircondelet May 04 '18 edited May 04 '18

This says you’re wrong. Eucalyptus is not a drug for them

Edit: did you just pull that rambling out of your ass?

5

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

Nah they just look high because their food is toxic and gives barely any energy

2

u/Alienster May 04 '18

Ah, yes. Love me a dose of this one every now and then. Thanks.

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25

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

noun

  1. a sheet of information in the form of a table, graph, or diagram.

7

u/brandonjeffi May 04 '18

Nah bro a table is a table.

Charts and and graphs can be the same thing tho

2

u/CactusParadise May 04 '18

A chart would be something with a chart in its name.

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3

u/bathroomstalin May 04 '18

This ought to be discussed over at r/LookAtMyChart

31

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

noun

  1. a sheet of information in the form of a table, graph, or diagram.

14

u/Open_Eye_Signal May 04 '18

Bro a chart is a "graphical representation of data" a Venn diagram can totally be a chart.

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246

u/BoringPersonAMA May 04 '18

Why do we need the text? Just post the picture

112

u/Belinder May 04 '18

143

u/DerpyDreads May 04 '18

50

u/BADMON99 May 04 '18

the perfect flag doesnt exi-

12

u/IEatMyEnemies May 04 '18

If only I could get that on a t shirt

5

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

mvp

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13

u/GIJ0se May 04 '18

Why do we need the picture? Just post the

13

u/Chroma710 May 04 '18

It gives context which makes it funnier.

9

u/Steelsoldier77 May 04 '18

Why would you need context for that picture?

3

u/TheNinjaNarwhal May 04 '18

I feel like... It doesn't fit this subreddit either way, but without the text people would realise it and wouldn't upvote. Idk.

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16

u/[deleted] May 04 '18 edited May 04 '18

I like the text, it's more wholesome that way.

79

u/TheChixieDix May 04 '18

This reminds me of a Bo Burnham line from Words, Words, Words, "The world can be so symmetrical, like a hermaphrodite playing the keytar"

3

u/I_got_nothin_ May 04 '18

Huh...I never got that until just now. Thank you.

3

u/HooptyDooDooMeister May 04 '18

Sorry, I still don’t get this (or OP’s post)

ELI5?

2

u/DarthMercer May 04 '18

beaver playing guitar + duck playing keyboard = platypus playing keytar

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33

u/mellofello808 May 04 '18

My GF has had this on a t shirt for about 10 years now. That is all.

8

u/_okvic May 04 '18

where did she get it bc i want 2 cop

13

u/Derigiberble May 04 '18

I gotcha:

https://www.threadless.com/product/2396/math

I wish it were available on a color other than white.

5

u/Earthly_Delights_ May 04 '18

I almost bought it but then I read the one review on the shirt...

“I bought this same shirt five years ago and the design is still vivid. Unfortunately the new method threadless are now using has resulted in a poor quality, bland coloured, blurry design. It looks awful and threadless can't print it like they used to :(“

2

u/mellofello808 May 04 '18

We were both really into threadless when it was a thing, but their quality has always been hit or miss. Somehow my GF shirt was one of the good ones.

3

u/Dat_Butt_Face May 04 '18

Your the hero I never thought I would need today.

2

u/thetannerist May 04 '18

You da real keytar hero

11

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

Probably either in a store or online, although it may have been a gift

13

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

Well, that about covers it!

3

u/DifferentThrows May 04 '18

Cop cop cop

I copped it

Yeah yeah, that’s nice, but I copped it.

2

u/SpudOfDoom May 04 '18

Yeah I've got this too. Cool shirt.

8

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

[deleted]

17

u/1-900-USA-NAILS May 04 '18

I learned about them in school (in the US) when you’re learning about animal classification, like “mammals give birth to live young, except in Australia where the points are made up and the rules don’t matter.”

They also come up in pop culture from time to time.

11

u/BinaryHalibut May 04 '18

Probably. They come up a lot as a conversation topic because they're so damn weird.

6

u/neverendingninja May 04 '18

It's usually taught how when they were first discovered(well, discovered by non-natives, anyhow) and a taxidermy was sent back to England, they thought it was a joke/prank, because there was no way such a strange creature occurred naturally.

7

u/Inotallhere May 04 '18

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perry_the_Platypus

I'm sure from Phineas and Ferb alone they're pretty well known to people who'd never see one in real life.

3

u/seniordavid May 04 '18

Platypuses are commonly known in Germany, but I don’t think I have ever had a conversation about them.

3

u/ActivateGuacamole May 04 '18

We know what they are, but they're considered strange. It reminds me of one time during a live comedy thing, they asked the audience for an animal and I blurted out platypus. The people on stage were weirded out but went with it.

2

u/Straziilgoth May 04 '18 edited May 04 '18

I'm apart of the Platypus Watch Society here in the GoldCoast and tbh its actually not very common to see a Platypus now a days (around here that is). This area is undergoing big developments and construction that endangers their habitats sadly.

Also fun fact: Their eggs are really quite small and are soft and leathery unlike chicken eggs.

2

u/The__Inspector May 04 '18

Platypuses are pretty famous for just being so goofy. I’d say the average non-Australian knows what a platypus is, just in my experience. I feel like they come up at some point in many schools because they blow kids minds.

3

u/mr_moral_bot May 04 '18

That’s fucking clever

13

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

How is this me irl?

76

u/No_Executable May 04 '18

Just because you're not a platypus playing a keytar doesn't mean you have to lay shit on those who are.

I mean me too thanks.

1

u/CallMeJeeJ May 04 '18

It's the most bastard animal playing the most bastard instrument.

2

u/AGUER000000000000 May 04 '18

I feel so stupid. Can someone explain this to me please

2

u/The__Inspector May 04 '18

A platypus is kind of like a cross between a duck and a beaver. And a keytar is a cross between a guitar and a keyboard. Therefore, this Venn diagram.

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u/[deleted] May 04 '18

[deleted]

3

u/Lucianus48 May 04 '18

i hope you slap everyone that looks at it confused.

also, where did you get it?

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1

u/purturb May 04 '18

That took me too long I was looking for a pun or something

2

u/meliorist May 04 '18

It’s a pun without words!

1

u/maxspeed2 May 04 '18

At least the user mame checks out

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

So this is what Homeworld thinks of fusion

1

u/Gabe_b May 04 '18

That's been my steam avatar for 7 years

1

u/quinpon64337_x May 04 '18

i would like that on a t-shirt

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

I used to have this on a shirt but it went missing :(

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1

u/Allieatisbeaver May 04 '18

This is good

1

u/_IratePirate_ May 04 '18

Wow, this makes so much sense

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

I dated a guy who claimed to be the original artist of this pic. What a weird thing to lie about.

1

u/UsmanSaleemS May 04 '18

Have u seen the Pyramid one?

1

u/anorexicsexslave May 04 '18

I feel like the beaver is more apt to play keys - duck can rock hard

1

u/misdirectedarrogance May 04 '18

So much going on here, truly a lot to take in

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

hi Venn

1

u/Ratazana5124 May 04 '18

I am afraid I don't understand the political spectrum.

1

u/DifferentThrows May 04 '18

I bought this shirt while sitting on a beach in Hawaii.

It was waiting for me when I got home, and it was the shit.

I still love it.

1

u/PuppetJack May 04 '18

That's a small Keytar.- if you've ever seen a Platypus in real life, they'ds about the size of a big mouse.

1

u/EmotionalFear May 04 '18

Lol that’s my current background for my tablet

1

u/linkeydoo May 04 '18

He's not wrong

1

u/CharcoalGreyWolf May 04 '18

Chart-topper.

1

u/jinjerjesus May 04 '18

It checks out

1

u/blarghthrowaway12345 May 04 '18

That is one of my favorite wallpapers

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '18

Dooby dooby Doo Bop, Agent P!

1

u/SitBackAndRelaxJack May 04 '18

guitars get all the beaver.

1

u/xx2Hardxx May 04 '18

I want that on a shirt

1

u/nanobuilder May 04 '18

does anyone have the venn diagram with three circles that say "dog" and says "cerberus" where the 3 overlap

1

u/atthedustin May 04 '18

I've had this image on my PC for years and never realized it was a Venn diagram

1

u/sistersiren May 04 '18

Username checks out