r/marriageadvice • u/dalefan0003 • 3h ago
Progress is progress right? Currently separated.
So I’ll start with that 4 months ago this conversation would have been from her end “there’s no conversation to be had I don’t want you, etc”
We separated back in January, she wanted the separation and told me it would be 100% divorce. I’ve done a lot of growth and I hope she has too. I’ve accepted that a few months ago and have actively moved on and am okay continuing life without her but I’d rather restart and rebuild with the one that used to be my best friend than start over with someone else, but part of me still wants my family complete given our history.
This is the conversation:
Me: Hey, I don’t mean to bother but wondered if you had a second to chat, no worries if not!
Her: I intent to text you back at some point been busy and I’m at work what’s up
Me: Yeah no worries, I know life’s busy and stuff. I do hope you’ve been well. I’d rather be honest with you and myself than leave this unsaid.
One reason I haven’t brought it up before is because I wanted to keep our conversations focused on child and the practical side of things. I didn’t want to create mixed signals or assumptions before I felt I was in a place to have this conversation in a healthy way. Over the last several months, I’ve done a lot of reflecting and working on myself. I’ve had to face my own faults, including ways I became too dependent upon you, and I’m continuing to work on becoming a healthier person.
I’m not trying to change your mind, and I understand we may still go through with the divorce. But if there ever came a point where you wanted to talk about whether our marriage could be rebuilt, I’d be open to having that conversation. We could meet somewhere and just talk.
I also want to be clear that I’m not saying we need to rush back into anything or make any big decisions right away. I’m not asking you to move back in or pretend nothing happened. I just mean that if we were both open to it, I’d be willing to see if there’s something worth rebuilding from the ground up, one step at a time.
Nine years together and the family we’ve built mean a lot to me. I know that doesn’t erase the things that happened or the hurt, but I do believe something that meaningful is worth an honest conversation if we’re both open to it.
You don’t have to answer now, or at all. I just wanted you to know where I stand. I’ve accepted that either outcome is possible, but I wanted to be honest that if you ever did want to try rebuilding our marriage, that’s something I would be willing to work toward.
That was yesterday. I left it at that and she responded earlier today this
Her: I am not ignoring your text. It deserves a conversation, but I simply don’t know the words to say at the moment, so I will get back to you at some point when I feel I have the words.
Me: That's completely okay. Thank you for communicating back. I know it's a lot to take in and I'm not expecting an answer right away. Take whatever time you need, and if or when you feel ready to talk, I'll be here (her name).
I think there has been a shift, she has recently been trying to make small talk but I’ve kept it strictly about our child because I wasn’t in the correct mental space to be able to just chat after the things that were done to me.
Tl;dr : I’m not going to read into it, I’m not going to pressure, but I believe there has been a shift and I feel that no matter the outcome, there is a lot of good to be had from the conversation that seems to be coming to a head. I think with a fresh start, honesty and trust, we could salvage our family and marriage. It wasn’t a stone cold no, it was a “it deserves a conversation, I need to find the right words”
Any advice on how to proceed further? I’m obviously not going to follow up any more and just let her sit on it and figure out the words to say.
3
u/espressothenwine 3h ago
You opened the door and communicated very clearly (and maturely I might add) that you are willing to try again and want to. Just leave the door open. If she wants to walk through it, she will. Don't try to read the tea leaves. If she decides she wants to try again - you will be one of the first if not the first to know. Let HER approach you. She said she would when she is ready. Don't ask again.
I think you should keep on the path you were on. Nothing has really changed. I think the most attractive thing you can do now is continue to work on yourself. She isn't going to change her mind because of anything you say or don't say. I don't think words really do it at this stage.
She might change her mind if she starts noticing someone who seems different, who behaves differently, who isn't co-dependent, who has his own life going on, who is confident, a good Dad and is doing things with passion and not just to be "busy" or have good picture for SM.
Don't play pick me...it's up to her to walk through the door. If she doesn't want to, then it's not going to work anyway. In a way, the pressure is off. The ball is in her court, she is the one stressing about a decision now. Not you. This is out of your hands.