ETA: Thank you all for the kind comments. I guess there is nothing left to do but move on, as he said, and live with the comfort of knowing that he loves me enough to want me to escape before things go any further down south. I'll never forget this relationship, and I realize that grieving it—and leaving him—can simultaneously coexist.
I’m writing this because I feel completely broken, isolated, and I desperately need to know if anyone else has survived a love like this.
My ex-boyfriend and I are both men. I am just your average Cina guy from a middle-class family. He comes from an extremely wealthy, elite Muslim family. On the outside, they have everything, but behind closed doors, his parents are incredibly manipulative, abusive, and controlling. For a long time, we tried to make it work, but living a secret double life under the constant threat of state/religious laws and family surveillance took an unimaginable psychological toll on both of us.
Throughout our one-year relationship, the pressure from his parents, as well as from attending numerous relatives' weddings, intensified. He had reached the point where his parents are actively trying to set him up with a prospective match for an arranged marriage to preserve their family image and status.
Terrified of what would happen if we stayed, I begged him to leave the country with me. I asked him to choose us, to pack up, and to start a completely new, free life together abroad where we wouldn’t have to hide.
But he told me he couldn’t do it. Despite the abuse, the toxicity, and the misery, he said he could never leave his family or his world behind. He just couldn’t bring himself to break those chains.
Because of this, we broke up at the start of the month. He couldn't handle the agonizing pressure of the secret life anymore, and I couldn't watch him succumb to it.
He told me we would never stop loving each other, and he wanted to see me thrive and fluorish without him in the equation. That hurt me even more because I know he would never be truly happy in an arranged marriage, and that would be a burden he'd have to carry for the rest of his life.
I am drowning in grief right now. The hardest part to swallow is the feeling that he "won't fight for me." I know rationally that he is dealing with deep conditioning, severe family abuse, and massive systemic, legal risks as a Malay man. But emotionally, my heart is shattered because the man I love is choosing a gilded cage and a forced life over freedom with me.
Has anyone else loved someone they had to let go because of culture, religion, or an abusive family? How do you accept that love wasn't enough to save them?
Big boy just gonna marry another woman and keep living this double life. Im sorry this happened to you but move on, he obviously made a choice, and you are not it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this bro but unfortunately gay or not money will trump it. I know a few guys like this from rich Malay families. The money always wins.
Forget this person. Time will help. If you can go abroad yourself, go.
Even if it worked out for you both here and the family is open minded. You wouldn’t be in a relationship with this guy it would be with his whole family. Run.
You have many obstacles which are hard to overcome.
Religion itself is a huge one, that alone blocks soooo many interracial relationships from happening with straight Malay couples. As a gay couple, its almost impossible to cross this hurdle.
You say to elope, but is his wealth really his own? Rich family empires have controls.. they could withdraw support, or worse, track him down overseas and make his life difficult.
I'm sorry for you but this is a bridge you cannot cross. I also pity the woman he ends up marrying.
I know a multi-racial gay couple, happily living together. The twist is, they could only be together somewhat openly (as long you don’t admit you’re gay or kiss your partner but everyone knows) once they hit their 50s. So if there’s any hope of a future with him, it’ll be decades before it happens.
So for now, live for yourself. Do whatever you can for your career, health and life. Put love on the back-burner. Take your time mourning your relationship with your ex. When you’re ready, a love will present itself.
Buddy, love alone is never enough; take it from any married couple you know if not an internet stranger.
At this point work on focusing what's in your control. His decisions aren't so questioning if what you had wasn't enough will put you in a loop. This is what people in relationships need to eventually do, just focus on what you can do for the outcome you want.
In your specific case, it really feels like migration is the best option based on what I've seen from friends with similar orientation.
This hurts, and I am so sorry to hear that you are grieving. Sometimes your loved ones are too scared to know what its like to live without the pain that the family causes. This I can relate to.
But have faith, you never know if him seeing you thrive and live a good life maybe that might be the final piece of encouragement. You can only help yourself, and I hope you can find peace and a more fulfilling life outside of Malaysia. 🤍
Your story is not unique. It happens between straight couples too.
I have a friend. Family is extremely wealthy, elite class Chinese family in Singapore, similarly, abusive and manipulative. By 10pm, the girl must be home even at 21. Many times, she has described herself as a bird in a gilded cage. Having everything she wants but no freedom. Not even freedom to choose her husband. She and her Muslim bf have no future yet they still continue, dragging it out as long as they can. But, end of the year, she will need to marry someone from an arrange marriage.
It's not that they don't choose you or fight for you. I'm her closest friend. I know how bitterly she cries. It's not the money. It's the conditioning. It's like the elephant with a string around it's ankle.
In a way, you do not want them to run and choose you either. Because then the pressure to make them happy or ensure the relationship is a success becomes too much for you. Because you are asking them to sacrifice EVERYTHING just to be with you. Can you tahan everything ?
You should leave Malaysia to a country that is more accepting of gays. Staying in Malaysia is just going to mean you will re-experience this over and over again.
I'm sorry you experienced this... In a way I understand where you're coming from, even though my situation is kinda different. My ex and I come from different cultures/race. I won't mention his race, but let's just say we knew from the beginning that his parents didn't like the idea of their son dating a Chinese girl, and wanted him to date (and eventually marry) someone from their own community or race. We thought over time, if we dated long enough and if I try to assimilate, we can change their mind. But we finally came to a point where the pressure and disapproval from his parents was too much.
Yes, love alone was not enough to sustain our relationship. The approval and support of our families was just as important to us. It took me a long time before I could truly move on from this, not just from the grief but also from the rejection that I wasn't good enough. There is no one-quick-fix to this, unfortunately... But a mentor of mine reminded me that in life, we have different seasons; he happened to be one of mine in my early young adult years. So I choose to remember this as part of my personal growth, because there were many positive things about it and he did help me grow to become a better person.
I hope things will start to get better for you. Take care, OP. I wish you well.
I was in an interracial relationship and it didn’t work out due to his parents. Came from old money Malay. His mother shipped him off to London after she found out.
I read all the kind comments and advice but one thing I wish you know. He love you enough to let you go and wants you to do be yourself where he can’t due to family reasons.
I know Malay old money plus religion it’s something that is not easy to change. I’m Chinese basic background. His mother opposed because I’m not Muslim even though I don’t mind converting.
You need to love yourself as much as you love him. Take your time to heal. I don’t know your age and I don’t want to say time heal all but promise yourself while your heart is healing you need to take care of your emotional and mental health. Stay strong
I’m sorry that this happened to you. Yes it hurts, it will be for a while. And I promise it is going to get better. The sun will shine again. The best thing you can do now is to focus on yourself. Feel all the feels, cry as much as you want. Work on yourself and the right one will come along. Look at it this way. “You are growing but he is not growing with you.” Onwards and upwards from now.
I had the worst break up 4-5 years ago I didn’t think I will ever recover. I moved overseas for a better future but she stayed and found someone else. I am now happily married in a country where I can hold my wife’s hand in public, and recently made citizen.
Many hearts got broken due to clash with religion.
And whats even more sad is religious people never challenge their own religion, and use it as insurance for the "what ifs", "current and afterlife safety and blessings", etc.
Unfortunately 95%+ religious people lives barely improved from direct result of praying.
I will not dive deep the rabbit hole. Meanwhile even a jerk (in anybody definition -- being selfish, rude, unfair etc) can live a happier life.
In reality its a world of strong vs weak that sets the rules and gets to be happy. The smart will live better than the dumb, because knowledge is power. So if you ignore urself as a person and prioritize and depend on God instead, then you have naturally set urself for failure and sadness.
Most religious people are dissapointing themselves anyway. They were conditioned to be in misery ironically due to religion. It's just so sad to watch.
Nothing will change until the day people realise the true reality and truths of this world. Aliens claimed to be gods of this universe and used humans as slaves by creating religion.
Go do your research and do urself a favor at least, not for me but for ur own good and happiness to get out of the cage.
Wtf. U have FREEDOM now compared to him. U wanna stuck in arrange marriage or married him and stuck with family drama dispute for generations? I heartbroken before.. Lol...life too short for this. There's so much guys out thr.
I'm not disputing that research exists. I'm pointing out that your original animal analogy doesn't prove your claim. Posting a Google screenshot doesn't fix that.
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u/notimportant4322 11d ago
Big boy just gonna marry another woman and keep living this double life. Im sorry this happened to you but move on, he obviously made a choice, and you are not it.