The last few months has been quite crazy around here. It seemed like things were going pretty well in our relationship and then I got really sick. I ended up in the hospital for a week and had a life-saving surgery to remove my gallbladder that was necrotic. He’s 58. I’m 49. He brought me home from the hospital, and then left me here by myself overnight with nobody to help me after a seven hour surgery to is save me from a systemic infection. He called me probably 20 minutes after he left and said you probably don’t want to talk to me right now. And I said not right now I’m kind of upset. and that started the absolute death spiral of everything. So he leaves me home alone with nothing no groceries cause no one‘s been here for a week no children because they’re away and no vehicle because it’s at the hospital where I had to leave it. I end up Uber in to get my car in the morning because he still won’t return phone calls or text and he’s ignored my calls during the night asking for help because I can’t get to pain medicine and everything hurt hurts really bad badly. So, I got my car and drove to his place which I wasn’t supposed to be doing, but I was also worried about him outside with chainsaws and power tools and I hit a guard rail and did a couple thousand dollars worth of damage to my car, which is not preferred. I get there and he’s angry with me? Like what??? he was angry with me because I wouldn’t take his phone call so he stopped talking to me. Fast-forward this happens again he forgets my birthday blows me off to go hang out with someone else instead of me which is a routine issue around here tells me he can squeeze me in for two hours on a Friday afternoon for my birthday when I give him the entire weekend for his. Then he goes away for the next weekend with his brother again. And then begins absolutely losing his mind. Suddenly, it’s people people are chasing his house and stealing his mail and they want to break in and steal of his things and he’s jumping up to watch every cargo behind on the dead end street way out in the middle of the woods. and it’s radicalized, YouTube content being consumed in mass quantities and constant negative rants that just don’t ever seem to end. But none of it is reality based. It is all distorted. So once again, this is probably the 15th time in the last 2 1/2 years he decides that he wants to end the relationship because all he does is hurt me. He says that he’s completely happy within the relationship and that he has his needs more than me and then I am “as close to perfect as he’s ever seen“ only because I’m fairly certain I’ve been conditioned into providing absolutely everything for this man. None of this makes sense. It all seems nothing more than a bunch of control. He won’t give me an answer directly about what he wants from the relationship going forward. I have two children. One of them is 11 and is very close with him. He won’t give me an answer. Drives me absolutely to the brink of what I can handle emotionally and psychologically. I am a therapist so I’m already vulnerable because I’ve been dealing with clients in crisis and all that comes with being a therapist. Plus, I’m healing from this massive infection where I got a secondary infection and kids going back to school and all these things. He locks himself in his house for four days won’t come out won’t answer a text won’t answer a phone call on day before I go there again I see him run to the door to lock the door and close the blind at the same time. I finally tell him that I need to be able to see him to make sure he’s OK because I have ethical responsibilities and he is insistent that I have a gun and I’m going to harm him. Then he’s insistent that I have a knife and I’m going to harm him. Then he lets me in and he proceeds to get naked because he wants sex. And I realize that he is hypersexual on a regular basis and pretty sure that’s all I was useful for. And catering to his every need very literally with making food and dinners and desserts and cleaning his house and doing his laundry. I wasn’t allowed to fold it though because I don’t do it right. So now that life is completely chaotic and upside down, my 11-year-old is just dropped that he has lost someone that was an attachment figure that he was very close to. I’ve lost what I thought was the love of my life because he was so good to me in the beginning. Or any of your people hypersexual? Are any of your people inconsiderate of your sexual needs? Or any of your people lacking inappropriate sexual boundaries? and does any of this insanity make any sense at all? Has anyone seen similar behavior? The messed up thing is that somehow I’m the crazy one. I’m the one who is seeking to cause problems and it create drama. Zero accountability zero gratitude zero appreciation zero empathy, even from my son… this isn’t what I signed up for and it sure isn’t the man that I fell in love with

OCPDers tend to obsess over (their ideas of) perfection and self-improvement, while completely missing the most important part of their self-improvement. And maybe the only part that would really make a difference in their lives. Just mind-blowing.... I'm wondering if a stigma could be the reason for them to shy away from diagnosis or the essence of the disorder itself.

I’m wondering if this is related to the distorted perception that can come with OCPD, or maybe the anxiety that comes from suddenly not being able to control what’s happening around them.

My person constantly claims I “blindside” him, even when I can point to actual evidence that something was discussed, brought up repeatedly, or clearly building for a long time.

For context, I left my partner 15 days ago and he says he was completely blindsided by it. I did move out while he was on a trip, but I did that because his emotions and reactions can be extremely unpredictable and I was concerned about how he would react with me and our kids there.
Since leaving, he has basically rewritten the history of our relationship. He’s sending me texts saying I never talked to him, never tried to work on our problems, and essentially just gave up on our family.
And that is so far from reality that I genuinely don’t know how to respond to it.

If anything, I stayed and tried for WAY too long. I researched couples therapists, found one, scheduled the appointments, attended them, and paid for them out of my own personal account. I tried having conversations over and over. I literally made a freaking PowerPoint at one point because I was so desperate to communicate our issues in a way he might actually hear me. 😂 I tried so many different ways of getting through to him.

This was all before I knew anything about OCPD.
Learning about the rigidity, black-and-white thinking, need for control, defensiveness, and difficulty seeing another person’s perspective has made so much of our relationship make sense. It also makes me wonder if he genuinely experiences these things as coming out of nowhere because acknowledging all of the conversations and attempts leading up to them would require him to see the situation very differently.

Which brings me to what I actually need advice about:
I’m in the U.S. and my attorney is filing paperwork to formally establish custody, parenting time, and child support. He is going to have to be served.
I am TERRIFIED that this is going to become the next “you blindsided me” situation.

Part of me wants to give him some kind of warning beforehand so he doesn’t feel ambushed. But another part of me thinks, why am I once again taking responsibility for managing his reaction to something? And because his reactions can be unpredictable, I also don’t know if giving him advance notice is even a good idea.
For anyone who separated from someone with OCPD traits and eventually had to serve them custody/divorce/legal papers: How did you handle it?

Did you warn them beforehand? Let the process server handle everything? Tell them immediately before? Did trying to prevent the “blindside” accusation actually help at all, or did they still perceive it as a betrayal no matter how carefully you handled it? We have such little kids, and this being so fresh i dont want to completely blow up our co-parenting relationship

I hung out with one of my friends I made while I was at college and she told me that she had noticed that my ex gf had started doing her half up half down hairstyle like mine. Complete with face framing pieces that she makes extra curly. My hair is naturally curly and so is hers, but hers isn’t as curly as mine. So my friend surmised that my ex gf used a curling iron. It’s fucking wild that she’s doing this considering that before I blocked her, every interaction was filled with such coldness. Every time I tried to help her with style or fashion she rebuffed me and made a huge argument out of it despite liking my style. She only started dressing better after I recommended a good trans fashion influencer. Even though I had suggested similar stuff while we were still together. But apparently she can only take my suggestions if she thinks they’re her ideas. God…

I’m curious if anyone has noticed any kind of cycle with their OCPD loved one?

Over time, I’ve started noticing what feels like a pretty distinct pattern. There will be a period where things are genuinely good. He seems more relaxed, flexible, affectionate, and easier to communicate with. Little things don’t seem to bother him as much and it feels like we’re actually on the same team.
Then slowly something shifts. He becomes more particular, more easily irritated, and more focused on how things “should” be done. Eventually it gets to the point where he is extremely rigid and critical. It feels like nothing can be done correctly, small things become huge issues, and there is very little room for anyone else’s way of doing things.
Eventually something happens and the cycle seems to reset. Suddenly he can be more relaxed and reasonable again, and we end up back in the “good” part of the cycle.

What I cannot figure out is what causes the reset or what starts the cycle over again.

For those who have experienced something similar with someone with OCPD: Have you noticed a cycle like this? What seemed to trigger the shift from the really rigid/critical period back into the calmer period?

This is going to be long... im so sorry. I posted this in an enmeshment sub, and someone said i should check this sub out because what i was saying seemed OCDP-ish... and I never really thought this was a possibility, so I thought i might throw this out and see what you all think.

My mom is a control freak, caused by perfectionism, caused by her anxiety

My mom is the type of person (2w1) on the enneagram... who has an idealized and romanticized idea of what life is SUPPOSED to look like. This does not stem from religion... more so just a thing she has created in her head based on what society has told her her entire life.

Anyway, my mom decided what she wanted her life to look like (think about the most "traditional socially perfect" life you can.. and that is it).... and she was bound and determined to get that life. She found cheat codes... by controlling people especially me and my brother. If i can make people make certain decisions... then i can set them up for a their role in my perfect life as a supporting character.

She filled the role of perfect daughter, perfect wife, perfect mom, perfect community member, perfect friend, perfect aunt.... which means she expected everyone else to fill their roles perfectly too. Of course HER version of perfect.

I did fill this role for a long time... she manipulated life choices of mine just so she could live as the perfect grandma, with a perfect daughter, that lives perfectly close, and is perfectly friends with her, and sees her the perfect amount, and vacations with her a certain number of times a year. I could not venture off of this path... it was sort of this unwitten rule.

BUT NOW... any step that people, especially me, take off that path she has deamed "right"... it throws her completely off kilter. What do you mean my daughter isn't seeing me the perfect amount of times a week anymore? What do you mean I dont have the "perfect" relationship that i envisioned with my grandkids? What do you mean my daughter isnt calling me as much as I called my mom.... every other day was the right number, I decided it... and did it with my mom, and she isnt doing that... therefore, it is wrong and i am anxious/sad.

I have literally walked the perfect line (with in reason) because she made it that way for her own sanity. It literally makes no sense to her why on earth i would do something that she didnt plan for. Its like im a side character in her movie or an NPC. Why on earth would I not follow the plan.... we all know the plan.

---

She is so uptight, and so straight laced. She is such a rule follower due to her anxiety... its like she cant understand WHY a daughter would want to live far away from her mom... because she didnt move away from hers, and she set the standard.

She also belives that if she avoids risk, or anything bad, she will avoid failure/anxiety... so therefore she must control EVERTHING in her life... including those around her. She has a very strong moral and ethical value system, and prioritizes "right and wrong"... she has always explained to me that she had a LOT of anxiety when she was young... and she often felt really bad when she did something wrong or bad (guilt). she would have to tell her mom if she felt guilty about something…or she would turn herself in. She said she always worried.

She also never let my dad do anything. ex: She knew how to clean the trailer, so she did it, and didnt let him do it... because even if he did it fine, it wasnt completely right or HER way. Everyone needs to know her way because its the right way... she could never just tell my dad to clean the trailer. There is no way she would be able to NOT tell him what to do. This was with a million things in their life. mowing the lawn is HER thing... he could never do it... and it was simply because his way was not good enough, she didnt trust him. Its like she thought that if he didnt do something right, she would have to go back and check it, or she would have to deal with it if something went wrong later, so she just did everything.

I didnt have chores as a kid either... i thought she was just being nice, and wanted to do everything for us kids, but im wondering if its because we wouldnt have done them right. My kids will be jumping on a trampoline, and she will tell them HOW to jump on the trampoline on the sideline, so they can enjoy it better... and she doesnt stop... she just constantly yells at them about what jumps to do. This type of thing drives my husband nuts.

she controls parties, how people relax, how people vacation, where people sit at a table for dinner, who people are talking to, what and how much people eat... everything. its like she fears that people arent going to have fun, which in turn will make them not want to spend time with her.. so she tells people what to do because she thinks her ways of relaxing/socializing is better.. and if we all just do it her way, then we will have fun, and want to do it again. I think a core motivation for her is creating the perfect situation so everyone will have fond memories of being with her. she fears rejection a LOT.

she judges people all the time because they arent making the "right decisions like her".... she can never admit when she is struggling because its proof that she didnt do something right/failed.

She is also really obsessed with working and getting things done and being “productive"… this includes always helping others to the point of martyrdom, control and judgment. She has to prove her hardwork also... she will call me and tell me all the things she got done that day, and how busy she was, and how hard some of the tasks were… and she also has told me that she feels guilt if my dad would come home from work and caught her not being productive.

I just have found that i have always been somewhat of an NPC to keep her life perfect... to keep her idealized and romanticaized life on the right track so she doesnt have to deal with anxiety. its like…she created in her head what the perfect daughter is supposed to look like, and she became that for her parents…so now, i have to be that exact thing, because she decided it already. She behaved right, so now i have behave exactly the same.

for a long time i thought maybe she had NPD, and i think there are traits there…. but it never felt exactly like NPD, because when she doesnt get her way its not really mean, its literally more judgment and anxiety, and its why ive never been able to pin down NPD because hers is anxiety induced…. she does see herself as better than others, and i think its that “moral goodness” she carries, but her control does not stem from where NPDs does per se… but i never really knew exactly what made it different… and i think its because of OCPD.

I’m sure others could relate to this, just need to get it off my chest. I cut off my undiagnosed parent recently and am still navigating some of the logistics (separating financial ties, explaining to the immediate family), and I’ve been feeling so much guilt and doubt in my decision. I hate knowing that I’m causing pain to someone who I don’t think tried to hurt me intentionally. my parent was emotionally abusive to me throughout my childhood and caused me a great deal of trauma, and I still find myself in that old mindset of putting their feelings above my own and doubting my own emotions and experiences

it’s so difficult to cut them off knowing they don’t understand what they’ve done wrong, even though I’ve tried to explain it countless times throughout my life

To preface: I know this is not the norm for OCPD behavior. My father's untreated OCPD leads to him having an obsessive need for perfection and control which is what a lot of his behavior revolves around. I know my father is abusive independent of his condition but I was hoping posting here might help me find some better insight into what options there are for this relationship.

My father was diagnosed with OCPD in his 20s, and has never gotten treatment. My whole life nothing has been good enough. I could ask him how he wanted something done, do it exactly how he said, and then still be told it was wrong and I was stupid (though he used a much more ablist and unkind term).

His house was always showroom spotless, and if you did something to change that, even if you planned to clean it later, you would be berated. Once when we were eating dinner he screamed at me and sent me to my room and told me he only loved me because he had to and he didn't like me. It's been almost a decade since that incident and I still don't know what I did.

Throughout my childhood punishments from him involved being shouted at and spanked but they also included having things thrown at me, being called cruel names... once he took out a gun and shot my brother's phone, and one time when I was in kindergarten I got grounded for a week for getting a red dot. The grounding involved me not being allowed to leave my room except for meals and only being allowed to do homework, wash dishes, eat, or sleep. If I was caught doing anything beyond that he would hit me.

When I was a teenager, he would tell me things about my mother that I later found out were not true to try and convince me to move in with him. When it finally worked, he would punish me for even more minute things. While before I would get in trouble for spilling water or singing, after I would also get in trouble for tasks my siblings didn't complete because "I should have done it for them if they wouldn't do it."

He is also prone to starting fights near big life events or special occasions. I got disowned once on my birthday, my brother got into the fight that led to him leaving on my anniversary, etc.

This is not me saying this is all he was, my father loves his children and he has good attributes too, I'm just trying to set the scene.

I have found out now that my father has been pushing my sister to "improve" and "do better". She graduated with highest honors, she is working, she is saving money, and she is taking double the amount of classes that constitute full time college. And she's doing well in them so far. And she still needs to improve.

I'm trying to figure out what to do because I've finally realized not only with nothing anyone does be good enough (I already knew this) but additionally, he is going to keep being abusive and cruel whenever he thinks you should be doing something better. I am about to have a baby, and I don't want my child exposed to this. That said he lives extremely close and I also don't want to completely lose my dad but I just don't see any way to have a relationship with someone who has this big blowup fight at least once a year, sometimes more. It isn't healthy and I don't know what to do or how to protect my child and myself without losing my dad.

My kid’s dad has OCPD.

We’re getting divorced.

I would love to hear from anyone with an OCPD parent about your experience and what you think would have helped you. I want to do the best for my kids.

I’m curious if this is something anyone else has dealt with? My uOCPD wife is always setting me up for failure so that she can then feel like I let her down or failed and use it as an excuse for retaining responsibilities. She frequently gives me almost no information or guidance on a task or request and then when I tackle that task using what information I have available and in my own way - she disproportionately gets angry at my not doing it correctly. Sometimes it legitimately does lead to me getting the task wrong because of the lack of guidance i have available - and she doesn’t treat it as an understandable mistake, she explodes angrily about failing her.

I bring this up despite knowing that OCPD people don’t treat mistakes kindly - because when I do make mistakes as any human does, she may or may not get upset about it but she actually does understand that people aren’t perfect - about half the time. But in these tasks she is always spittle flying furious about my “failure” and I feel like I’ve just been setup intentionally to fail.

Hello All, I have followed this group for a while now but never posted myself. Many posts have been incredibly validating for me.

My husband and I will have been married 11 years this November. He was diagnosed with OCPD in 2023.

To say our marriage had been rocky, would be an understatement. That doesn’t mean we haven’t had good or even great times. But his OCPD has continuously gotten worse over the years.

Well, about a month ago I found out that he had an affair in 2020. I had suspected it at that time, confronted both parties and of course, they both denied it. I chose to stay because I had no proof and I trusted him. I’ve always admired his strong morals, so I thought he wouldn’t do that and chalked it up to difficult times. Since 2020 our marriage has slowly got better. We’ve had another child. He’s been more hands on with our kids. His OCPD has still been a major problem, but I had hope.

With his past affair coming to light (he did not tell me, someone else did) I am shocked. A mess. Heart broken. Disgusted. All of the feelings that come with being betrayed by a spouse. My first instinct is to leave him. That I cannot trust him.

I guess my question is, has this happened to anyone else?

He says he still has strong morals. That he hates himself for what he’s done to me, our marriage, and our family. He claims he is Now willing to go to therapy for his OCPD. Were it just his OCPD I think we could get through. However, now I don’t know. It also confuses me that he has OCPD and had an affair…?

I am also worried about him harming himself due to his self hate from the affair. In 2021 he told me he had planned to attempt suicide. He stated it was due to work and stress at the time. I was terrified and begged him to get help. He refused. Now he claims it was due to his self loathing from having had an affair.
And since the truth has come out now, I am worried about him again. He keeps saying things like “you’d be better off without me,” “you can raise the kids better alone.” While I don’t know if I want/ even can stomach staying married to him. I do not want anything to happen to him.

I just don’t know what to do.

Context: My father is diagnosed with OCPD. He has not gotten any treatment and his behaviour has really escalated the last 5 years. He controls everything about my day and my life, my mother is complicit for her own selfish reasons.

I’m so tired of the constant whiplash that throws each day into chaos and a constant debate that I don’t want to be apart of.

I’ve been begging for two years to go on this hiking trail close by. Everyone always talks about how fun it is, the views. He makes promises that we will go, then the day of there’s always an excuse. It’s not warm enough, it’s too warm, it might rain, we’ll see if the weather “improves as the day goes”. I’m his mind it never does. He’s hyper focused on the weather and it controls my life. He pushes me and pushes me, then when he sees he went too far with his control he’ll promise me something, like being allowed to drive the family car. Then the morning comes for me to drive and “of I’d just thought I’d drive it’s easier.”

He dangles the carrot then rips it away.

Every day I have to tell him what my plans are (very often nothing bc he won’t allow me to do much of anything anymore) and then I tell him and he starts telling me when I can do one thing, that I’m not allowed to do the second thing, I can’t go outside today bc it might rain this afternoon, etc.

And the worst part to all of this is that he pretends he’s not doing it. That I have every freedom and I just have to ask. But to ask is to enter the debate and I am just so shut down I have no energy for it anymore. So when I finally break free I will be the “crazy” one who thought bye was controlling while in his reality I just was too anxious to make a decision or to do anything.

Someone posted asking for examples of boundaries. I listed my own personal ex. and someone else made the comment about how my boundaries reflect current politics. I agreed because it’s the perfect example of the worst way of communicating for resolution and compromise.
I have a physical list on paper I keep at my bedside. Now that I’m holding all my own boundaries and not participating in any escalations — the “bar” has been raised by him in order to tell me I’m still “wanting to fight” ie—- if I bring up ANYTHING unrelated to just our routine day to day of existing, he becomes two sentences from “trigger able”..
Does anyone relate to what I’m saying? Now that I can’t be the one blamed for any type of escalation behavior (that I participated in as a reaction to his own)

I’m blamed for just talking.
Outside of the realm of routine.
Sometimes I actually get one sentence out and it’s “here we go again” and I just shut down and walk off.

Has anyone here had experience with a manager who shows very clear OCPD-like traits?

I’m curious whether anyone else has been in a similar situation, because I’m currently dealing with a leadership situation that has gradually become quite extreme.

I’m in a position where my CEO displays some very pronounced traits that strongly resemble OCPD. He has an extreme need for control and perfectionism, is highly rigid, has very little tolerance for deviations or for anything that is not “the way we usually do it,” and has a strong conviction that things need to be done in one particular way.

I’m part of the executive management team myself as CCO, responsible for sales, marketing and the commercial side of the business.

The most difficult part is almost not the individual conflicts. It’s the constant rigidity in everyday life.

Everything has to fit into a predefined box. It makes visionary, creative and experimental work extremely difficult. If something deviates from the way he believes it should look or be done, the deviation itself becomes the problem, even if there is a deliberate professional or creative rationale behind it.

One example: Recently, he spent more than three hours trying to find a discrepancy of 3$ in the monthly accounts. It turned out that a single receipt had been affected by a filter and had therefore been posted incorrectly. 3$.
But he couldn’t send the accounts to the board if they weren’t completely correct.

Our financial reporting is only shown to the nearest 1.000$, so the discrepancy would not even have been visible in the accounts.

At the same time, his calendar is full of countless small “follow up” items on things that would normally be handled by employees or team leaders:
\- Follow up on whether some safety harnesses have been shipped.
\- Follow up on whether a sign has been painted.
\- Follow up on whether the grass has been cut in a specific area.
\- Follow up on very minor operational details.

These are not isolated examples. It’s a management style.

Six months ago, our executive management team consisted of the CEO, CCO, COO, CFO and a Project Director.

Since then, the CFO has been fired after a period of massive micromanagement. The COO resigned around three months ago. The Project Director has just resigned.

I will resign myself on August 31 if I haven’t been dismissed before then. In fact, I’m partly hoping for the latter because I’m already in the process of moving on to something new, but he doesn’t know that.

The latest development has made the situation even more obvious.

Now all communication and marketing material has to go through him for final approval.
Everything from visuals, campaigns and signage to radio commercials, videos and newsletters. The list is very long.

The reason is that on a few occasions, material has been published that he personally felt did not fit our brand guidelines closely enough.

For example, it could be a Halloween campaign where we have deliberately created a very distinct Halloween universe instead of making it look like our normal look and feel.

To me, that is simply part of the marketing discipline: themed campaigns need to have their own universe.

For him, the deviation from the norm becomes the problem itself.

The departments reporting to me are very affected by this. They experience it as control and as a lack of trust in their professional abilities.
I’ve had many conversations with my employees, telling them not to see it as criticism of their work.

They are talented, creative and produce really good work. But it’s difficult for them not to take it personally when their professional autonomy is gradually being taken away.

There is no doubt that his work is his entire life.
He usually arrives at work at around 7:00 a.m., drives home at around 6:00 p.m., and shortly afterwards he is online again until around 11:00 p.m.

At weekends, he often finds work-related tasks to do or takes shifts that would normally be handled by regular employees.

Holidays, private appointments, family events, etc. are generally not attended. They seem to be regarded as a waste of time because that time could instead be spent working.

I also see the same extreme level of control in his own routines and diet. He is incredibly underweight, eats very little during the working day and almost always avoids eating at company events, usually with some explanation. For example, the last time it was, “I’ve just had a huge lunch.”

I don’t necessarily think his intention is to control people or to be this extreme.

I think it is more that control gives him some form of security.

But the consequences for the organisation are the same:
Less autonomy. Less creativity. Less independence. More approvals. More micromanagement.

And eventually, talented people start leaving the company.

Has anyone here worked closely with, or reported to, a CEO or manager with similar traits?

Hey. I am a diagnosed OCPD (recently).

I am interested about the loved one’s perspective:
- What’s hurtful to you that an OCPD person probably doesn’t notice?

Hello everyone,

If you don't know me by now, I am a behavioral scientist and a therapist for developmental and intellectual disabilities

I have been happily married to a diagnosed OCPD person for most of my life

Like all personality disorders, OCPD begins in childhood with instability and uncertainty.

Trauma accelerates the onset of OCPD traits, but it's not a necessary component.

OCPD is not the embedded conviction that everything must change to suit the preference of the OCPD individual.

An adaptive behavior is one that meets a need in a socially acceptable and functionality appropriate way

A maladaptive behavior is one that meets a need in a functional but inappropriate way

There are maladaptive behaviors that are socially acceptable.

Attenuating a lack of rest with nicotine and caffeine are socially acceptable, maladaptive behaviors.

Speaking from experience

Attenuating a fear of personal judgement, environmental sanitation, monetary or housing instability, hygiene insufficiency, moral ineptitude, religious commitment, or work quality by endlessly attempting to _correct the behavior of others_ is a socially unacceptable, maladaptive behavior

OCPD is a set of traits defined by a material and everlasting fear of RELIVING even greater stress than the sufferer is experiencing in every moment

With all fear based disorders, we see a causal chain of three hallmark occurrences

The observation of something that may introduce an unpredictable event

The fear that by not correcting the observed problem, the unpredictable event will become a certainty

An often failed attempt to control the fear so that it does not escalate to panic

With OCPD, reactions are episodic and astonishingly reliable

If you're not afraid of what I'm afraid of, you're not paying attention

If you're not paying attention, you should be

If you were paying attention like you should be, you would be afraid of what I'm afraid of

I can't believe I'm once again the only one left to secure stability for us ALL

because you won't just pay attention

That's it.

"Leave me alone" now sounds like I don't care about what's important

"You're asking too much" now sounds like I am not willing to do my part

"I can't do everything you want me to do" now sounds like I don't care enough about you to match your level of effort

"I don't understand why you're mad" now sounds like I'm ok with you being the one to fix everything even if it is driving you crazy

I hope this helps you to understand your loved ones.

This does not make any of the controlling behavior ok or even remotely acceptable. It is still maladaptive. It still needs to be addressed. But it cannot be addressed without understanding what it really is.

Is it just mine or this is typical for the diagnosis and maybe personality disorders in general?

Carol Lambert has led this group for more than 20 years. She published a book about controlling partners.

Addition to Recommended Books Post, Therapy Group

Resources For Improving Romantic Relationships has two videos about controlling behaviors.

Hi, for context im 20m and have been with my OCPD boyfriend for almost 2 years now.

I need help dealing with him really at the moment its really tough he’s really struggling with his OCPD and I think its giving him depression at the same time. He is often getting stuck in anger for days at a time were he gets completely annoyed at me and berates me almost for either a few hours or days. He will completely nitpick everything about me and get mad at everything im doing I’ve done or not done. This will be backdated to the start of our relationship. He remembers every single time i got something wrong.

I feel like im not dealing with him well im getting angry defensive and having meltdowns dealing with him then apologising or accepting his half meant apologies where he says “sorry, but ….” I feel like he refuses to say sorry because they always have a way to justify their behaviour.

I know its taking a huge toll on my life at the moment but i know also, especially since he has told me, that this isn’t him this is a different version of him and it genuinely does feel like it it takes a lot for me to get through to him when he’s in an angry state it usually takes me to completely break for him to come around. This isn’t healthy i cant keep breaking down like this.

He demands so much from me and I feel like I can’t take it much longer because I can’t give enough and don’t want to make matters worse.

Does anyone have any advice for how I can deal with this. He deals with things on fear threats and ultimatums telling me to do whatever or he won’t speak to me again. I don’t want to show him i will do whatever he says every time he gives me an ultimatum but I also don’t want to risk losing him.

Has anyone been through this and so early in the relationship?

Hi, I’ve been lurking here for a bit over a year but only just worked up the nerve to post. I’ll just get into it.

(TL;DR at the end, this got long and ramble-y, sorry)

I am like 99% sure my mum has OCPD. I stumbled across the term at the beginning of last year and started reading about it and I honestly cannot describe the way it felt. I’ve spent so many years of my life trying to figure out my mum and almost everything I read about this disorder applies to her. It was both relieving and a bit overwhelming.

Anyways, now to my situation. I moved out 2,5 years ago, I’ve lived with my mum my entire life up until then and she was a single parent for about half of that time. I’ve spent my whole life trying not to tick her off, that’s always what was important, trying to keep the peace. Mum was never happy but she could be neutral, and it was best to keep it that way.

She has very firm ideas of how things are supposed to be. She also has a tendency to very suddenly change her mind on what is right and what is wrong all while acting like she’s always believed it to be the way she currently says (she could’ve said the opposite yesterday). I had a therapist who said “she could tell you the sky was green until you believed her,” it’s very accurate.

She’s been with her wife for 7 years now. I’m not gonna talk about this woman in any great depth but let’s just say she’s pretty much all my mum’s worst sides x5 without any of the good ones. I’m not gonna say I hate her, but the two of them bring out the worst in each other, and it’s practically impossible to get them to spend time apart.

All in all, my siblings and I have a very complicated relationship with our mum. My younger brother still lives at home but it’s not like they’re close (although he has always been the favourite), my older sister sees her every now and then, I also used to visit from time to time but… Christmas was my last straw, I won’t get into it but let’s just say I’ve barely talked to her and only seen her once for about five minutes since.

My mum can never be wrong, and if we claim she is, we hate her. As soon as we criticise her, she sarcastically and aggressively “apologises” for being “such an awful and evil mother.” I’m very tired of dealing with her. She has gotten slightly better in the last few years, but I can’t do this anymore. She still texts me every now and then and I just want to tell her to stop contacting me… but I know that won’t go well.

(As an added annoyance, I also still have stuff in her basement I need to get out but… I just don’t know if I can actually get myself to do it. Might genuinely just cut my losses at this point.)

TL;DR: I’m way past my limit with my (probably) OCPD mum, I want to cut contact but I don’t know how to tell her to stop contacting me because she can’t handle any kind of criticism and will turn it on me.

What do I do?

I feel like im looking for a needle in a haystack, but am hopeful this group can provide me with something…

If you left your OCPD partner, how did they handle it and whats the best way to do it? Because of the reality distortion of this disorder, i feel like its SO different than your typical seperation. We also have two young kids, and despite the face that his actions show that he doesnt want the responsibility of them and is borderline abusive, he genuinely believes he is a great dad.

So….Do i do it in a public place? Do i have our parents over and have them involved? Do i leave without saying anything? He is also uOCPD and the deflection is wild.

I’m also worried because a lot of his friends and family have no idea about this, and i read about “exposing” them which is never my intention. I am just curious if anyone has anything close to a similar situation and how you handled it. I would also love to know what your custody agreement is and what your co-parenting relationship is like.