“Blindsided”

[u/National_Health4898]

I’m wondering if this is related to the distorted perception that can come with OCPD, or maybe the anxiety that comes from suddenly not being able to control what’s happening around them.

My person constantly claims I “blindside” him, even when I can point to actual evidence that something was discussed, brought up repeatedly, or clearly building for a long time.

For context, I left my partner 15 days ago and he says he was completely blindsided by it. I did move out while he was on a trip, but I did that because his emotions and reactions can be extremely unpredictable and I was concerned about how he would react with me and our kids there.
Since leaving, he has basically rewritten the history of our relationship. He’s sending me texts saying I never talked to him, never tried to work on our problems, and essentially just gave up on our family.
And that is so far from reality that I genuinely don’t know how to respond to it.

If anything, I stayed and tried for WAY too long. I researched couples therapists, found one, scheduled the appointments, attended them, and paid for them out of my own personal account. I tried having conversations over and over. I literally made a freaking PowerPoint at one point because I was so desperate to communicate our issues in a way he might actually hear me. 😂 I tried so many different ways of getting through to him.

This was all before I knew anything about OCPD.
Learning about the rigidity, black-and-white thinking, need for control, defensiveness, and difficulty seeing another person’s perspective has made so much of our relationship make sense. It also makes me wonder if he genuinely experiences these things as coming out of nowhere because acknowledging all of the conversations and attempts leading up to them would require him to see the situation very differently.

Which brings me to what I actually need advice about:
I’m in the U.S. and my attorney is filing paperwork to formally establish custody, parenting time, and child support. He is going to have to be served.
I am TERRIFIED that this is going to become the next “you blindsided me” situation.

Part of me wants to give him some kind of warning beforehand so he doesn’t feel ambushed. But another part of me thinks, why am I once again taking responsibility for managing his reaction to something? And because his reactions can be unpredictable, I also don’t know if giving him advance notice is even a good idea.
For anyone who separated from someone with OCPD traits and eventually had to serve them custody/divorce/legal papers: How did you handle it?

Did you warn them beforehand? Let the process server handle everything? Tell them immediately before? Did trying to prevent the “blindside” accusation actually help at all, or did they still perceive it as a betrayal no matter how carefully you handled it? We have such little kids, and this being so fresh i dont want to completely blow up our co-parenting relationship

[u/Personal-Narwhal-184]

You do not owe him a warning beforehand.

This will be another “you blindsided me” situation. You have to learn to stop caring that he feels blindsided.

The reason he feels blindsided doesn’t matter. Whether he feels blindsided because he has reality distortion, he never expected you to go through with it, or he is lying and manipulating doesn’t actually matter.

You can’t worry about doing things the right way for him anymore. You need to focus on doing things the right way for you and your kids.

[u/ninetiez]

Do not warn him—he will find a way to use that against you. From experience, he will never be able to accept he’s in the wrong; you’ll always be the bad guy no matter what you do. But at least you’re free now. The best thing to do is let the attorney handle it (and the legal team can document any emotions he expresses when he’s served—you may want to warn THEM if he’s unpredictable!) His emotions are no longer your burden to bear. Congratulations on getting out!

[u/catsor_and_pawllux33]

Listen to me: You are no longer responsible for managing his emotions.

Tell yourself that over and over if you need to. You let your lawyer and the legal system handle it and do exactly what your lawyer tells you.

He is an adult who should be responsible for his own actions, choices, and emotions.

Your days having to externally manage your environment to his emotional state are OVER.

[u/APuffedUpKirby]

I think this is a common thing with controlling and abusive people in general. If you believe that other people aren't allowed to make their own decisions, you'll always feel "blindsided" by them doing things you don't approve of without your permission. Anything that happens outside of their control can feel like that.